I work as a counselor in Hospice. This is a quick request of you guys out there who have mothers who are either under Hospice care, or in a nursing home.
Your Mom is getting sicker, possibly is developing dementia, and is physically frail. I know -- It is uncomfortable to visit her, because she was the best mother ever, and you just don't want to remember her this way.
I get it. I am one of you. She is special, and you hold her in your heart like no one else. You can't have your memories of her be of this sickly old woman at the end of her life, right?
You are precious to her, which you know. She loves your sisters, too, yet it is in a different way. One difference is that mothers and daughters often have very difficult separation dramas in the daughter's teens and twenties. But we sons don't.
Then, daughters eventually become close, sisterly friends with their mothers by their later 20s or 30s. But we don't.
You and I are our Mom's boys, and we always will be. Our mothers cherish our visits, seemingly more than our sister's visits. In part because, as you know, our sisters are consistently there. They are with Mom regularly, perhaps Mom even lives with your sister.
That is the reason that daughters don't need to read this -- they are already "all in" with Mom. Your sisters are changing Mom's bed linens, helping her to the bathroom, making her food. And they have to listen to her questions: "Where is my son? When is he coming?"
You don't come to visit, though, because --
"I can't see her that way, it's too depressing. I just can't."
No, that's not true. You can. Because your visits to your Mom are not actually about you. It's about her, your mother. The very reason you don't want to see her that way is because she was such a robust, loving, and inspirational presence in your life.
Your concerns about how you will remember her after she is gone are not really relevant. You, probably the youngest son, are being too delicate with yourself. Once you put aside the boyish focus on how you will feel, and embrace how your mother will be blessed -- yes, blessed -- by your visits, it will make sense.
Go and visit your mother. Your first visits can be short. Bring her some pictures and look at them together. Bring her some food and eat together.
You don't have to stay for hours, and you don't have to talk the whole time. You, simply being nearby, will bring her joy. You and your siblings sharing stories in her room, even if she's not "with it" enough to converse, will make her week. I know, because I've seen it in my patient's faces.
As for how you will remember her? Don't worry. My Mom had advanced Alzheimer's when she died, and had lost most of her normal self before that. It is not how I want to remember her. And I do not remember her that way. I have many rich memories of my Mom, and old photos that help trigger them. You will retain your favorite memories, too, and be able to see her old self in photographs.
But that is all after she's gone. Right now she is alive, and all she wants is to see you, her little boy. She deserves that from you. Now go see her.
John Connor is a spiritual care counselor for Kindred at Home Hospice in Austin, Texas.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.