Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

John Cooker Headshot

A Revealing Marijuana Test

Posted: Updated:

You may not be able to determine whether an individual is a liberal or conservative until this simple test is conducted. It is called the Rastaman Test, pioneered by a famous Rastafarian. The individual must be asked to sit in an isolated room in which there has been a joint of marijuana lit then extinguished and taken away.

He'll either notice immediately what the lingering aroma is and react by grinning widely and looking about to see if there's a smoldering joint somewhere, or he may react with a quick smile which is immediately dropped to hang a guilty, pensive expression, or he'll not have the faintest idea what the aroma is and act irritated at the smoky room.

You should put on a wig of dreadlocks and speak in a slight Bob Marley accent when you enter. Ask some preliminary questions and pay attention to their demeanor. If the sufferer can't help himself and begins to talk in a voice like Cheech Marin with "Hey, man, can you play some Grateful Dead tunes?" or "Hey, man, I think that's Panama Red in the air, ain't it?" or "You're not the fuzz, are you?" He's a dead ringer for being infected with liberal opinions.

In the second type of reaction, the individual will recognize the smell, but will evade it and appear nonchalant. He must be observed closely as his infection remains hidden. He'll act reserved and unresponsive, like he doesn't smell the elephant in the room. You'll detect a slight, sly joy urging a smile on his lips or sparkle in his eyes. He's hiding his recognition and fond remembrance of past experiences while wasted. This person has indulged in smoking the marijuana herb in his youth, but upon the threshold of maturing adulthood gave it up for the sake of responsibilities. He could be either infected with conservative or liberal opinions, and further probing is necessary.

At this point, with some invented pretext, you simply pull out an ounce of herb and some rolling papers, lay them on a table, and ask the subject if he knows how to roll a joint. A conservative subject may immediately rise and exit. His conversion against marijuana is so strong, possibly anchored by a bad experience, like getting caught driving erratically at top speed of 15 mph in the passing lane on a 65-mph freeway with his head poked out the driver's door. He was looking down at the road so he could follow the white line because the whole car load of his friends kept laughing at the way the pilot (he) was swerving through the clouds. They kept asking when he was going to land this flight, for which the police kindly provided the colored flashing lights on the run/roadway.

If he stays and attempts the joint rolling, you'll witness an uncoordinated effort from a conservative with herb falling out of the paper onto the table as he tries without dexterity to curl it around the loose leaves. The end result will invariably be an amateurish product packed too lightly with skinny ends and a fat middle, which burns too fast.

A liberal will put a heaping amount of herb on the paper, held comfortably between his index fingers and thumbs, and curl the whole thing in one motion. His finished product will look like an unfiltered cigarette packed tightly and uniform, stuffed generously. You can tell he also enjoyed the process and may ask you to do a few more.

The third type of individual will act like you're from some other planet. The smoke in the room is troublesome to him. He may stare or sneer at your dreadlocks. Watch his eyes and you'll find him searching the room uncomfortably but totally unaware of what the lingering aroma is. This subject is definitely suffering from conservative opinions.

The critical part of the Rastaman test consists of a simple question: Have you ever inhaled marijuana before?

A flat-out, emphatic "No" is 99 percent of the time a response from a conservative. He may be insulted you asked, though he may be lying and concealing a past event or time when he did indulge, usually during college.

A cool "Yes" to the question 99 percent of the time will reveal a liberal. The majority will qualify that they had done this in their youth and no longer partake. They exhibit no need to hide their past indulgence or question why they did so. They may mumble something about conformity and exigencies of parenthood and employment as reasons for quitting.

There are some who openly will admit to presently inhaling. They feel the herb has a beneficial effect as a remedy for just about every ailment known to civilization. They purport a conspiracy theory that the government is well aware of its numerous benefits to society, but, being influenced by conservative lobbyists, refuse to legalize it. Unfortunately, modern science has not proven so. Obviously it will alleviate some maladies, but in the long run it's been observed to heighten mild paranoia and entangle their espousing of conspiracy theories by the condition of "cotton mouth" which makes them unable to be coherent. Many of these liberals dream of moving to Montana to start dental floss ranches.

There are others who are reluctant to admit yes. They attribute no positive effects about their past experience and hardly crack a smile when discussing it. Now they're driven individuals, and that stuff only slows you down and makes the world wacky, which it most assuredly can't be or else why would they be working 80 hours a week? They've buried their memories of past inhaling along with that bearded, guitar-playing boyfriend or theater major nympho girlfriend whom they were crazy about in college. They're mostly infected with conservative opinions, though some are with liberal.

Then there's the unusual response that they smoked a joint but didn't inhale. This seems to have fooled no one except the subject. The Rastaman test unequivocally places them under the influence of conservative opinions even though they associate with liberals. Their intense need to be wanted and loved by everyone, and I mean everyone, fit in well with their college days under the influence of liberal opinions. The results are constant compromise, constant shading of the truth and the inability to admit they inhaled.

The Rastaman test has proven effective in sorting out who is infected with conservative opinions and who is infected with liberal ones. With this simple test, individuals categorically reveal which they suffer from and can be truthfully labeled for proper treatment.