I Can See Alaska from Me

The following are excerpts from Sarah Palin's upcoming book -- edited by me:

FIRST MEETING WITH SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN

I met Senator John McCain (who on first site I deeply loved) today. For an old man he's got wandering hands, let me tell ya. He sure liked my butt. He says because of being tortured he can't raise his hands high enough to pat me on the back. He called me a fellow maverick and I didn't have the heart to tell the old guy that I'm a Christian. He asked me if he can see me again. I said, you betcha your arthritic bones you can old feller.

PHONE CALL FROM JOHN MCCAIN

I was cutting out the intestines on a dead moose I shot before parachuting out of my airplane when my darn cell phone rang, I wiped the blood off my hands and lips (on the coat I bought at my favorite consignment store "Out of the Closet") and answered it. It was Senator John McCain (the man I love more that this dead moose, even when it was alive, before I put two bullets between its sweet eyes). Senator McCain wanted me to fly to Arizona to talk about being his running mate. I told Todd and he didn't like the way that mate thing sounded. I explained to him that the Vice President is a platonic relationship. Todd nodded his head, then went out and walked the dogs for a hundred miles.

SECOND MEETING WITH JOHN MCCAIN (ARIZONA)

Senator John McCain (who I love far more than any torture victim I'll ever meet or would have tortured) flew me to his ranch today. We sat under a sycamore tree and he asked me if I'd be his Vice President. I told him to get down on one knee and ask me properly. He did and wouldn't get up until I answered him. So I felt sorry for the old guy (who I truly love more than hunting moose with automatic weapons) and said yes. I found out later he wasn't waiting for my answer he just couldn't get up by himself.

INTENSE VETTING

I started the vetting process today. I must have done a good job explaining the process to Todd because he stopped midway through telling me which dogs had their shots. Those vetters were darn thorough, faster than you can melt snow with a hundred gallons of oil, a blow torch and fifty greasy seals, they asked me what my favorite Bee Gee song was. I didn't hesitate for an Eskimo second and told them it was "Satisfaction" by Aretha Franklin. Before I leave for the convention I have to remember to go through our stuff to look for suitcase bombs. Those Russians and Mr. Putin, when he rears his head and flies over our air space, could have lost their luggage right in my back yard. You betcha!

MY DAUGHTER'S PREGNANCY REVEALED

A few days later, when my seventeen-year-old daughter asked me to hold my son, Trig, Senator McCain (who I love more than drilling for oil on protected lands) noticed that she had quite a belly on her there. Before he could do any fat, or rape jokes (he's good at them), I fessed up, and told Senator McCain that she was pregnant. Senator McCain jokingly offered to divorce his wife and marry her or me or both. What a kidder that darn Senator McCain (who I love more then embryonic stem cells) is! I told him that we decided that it's better that my daughter have the baby and marry the father. I believe that life begins at conception and conception starts with the first drink.

SPEECH FOR CONVENTION

I started working on my speech for the Republican convention today with Senator McCain's writers. The speech was a doozy, let me tell ya, even though they wouldn't let me call Brat Obama a darn socialist. They wouldn't even let me accuse him of getting my daughter pregnant. Supposedly they can tell who the real father is by doing some kind of T and A test.

RIGHT BEFORE CONVENTION

In a few hours I deliver a speech to the Republican convention on national TV and will be nominated for the Vice President of the United States. I'll look beautiful and sexy wearing specially tailored very expensive clothes. Let them try and call me a hockey mom now! Oh, I just had Botox treatments so I must remember to order more lipstick.

AFTER CONVENTION

The speech went great but it could have been better if they had let me call Saddam Hussein Obama a skinny commie community organizer who goes to gay bars with terrorist abortion doctors. I made up for it, by adding a few extra winks. They seemed to eat it up and I got to spend quality time with my family when I brought them up on stage (at midnight almost fully awake).

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL WITH MCCAIN

Senator McCain (who I love more than a melting glacier falling on a polar bear) likes campaigning with me. The fat women in their jogging pants seem to think I'm a hockey mom. Some of them look like they swallowed the whole darn skating ring.

LIPSTICK ON A PIG

Barak He's Insane Obamba used a lipstick on a pig reference. Senator McCain (who I love more than a starving sea lion sunbathing on an oil slick) said that the big city commie was saying that about me. Senator McCain said they can use those remarks to keep the media from talking about the dumb economy, whatever that is. Long as we keep giving me these clothes Obambi can call me any name he wants (except my little Wasilla honey bunny slut, which Todd likes me to call him).

STUMP SPEECHES

They want me to keep saying that darn Hockey Mom stuff over and over again. They won't even let me make fun of Obama's ears! They never let me speak my mind. This here is America where we're all hated equally, at least that's what it says in the Constitution, or maybe I saw it in a recipe. It's time the American people know that pinko atheist Muslim Obammie wants them to change the book the Statue of Liberty is holding to The New York Times. Someone from the crowd yelled out "Kill him." I ignored it. I really wanted to do the Christian thing and tell the guy that God helps those who help themselves.

CHARLES GIBSON

Charlie asked me hard questions. It was unfair, they didn't let me ask Charlie any. What kind of debate was that? So I didn't know who the Bush doctor was. Who cares, like I need one. My water broke, I flew eleven hundred miles in coach, drove forty more with a stick shift, changed a flat, ran out of gas and walked six miles up hill through a foot of snow in high heels, got hungry so I strangled a deer, and field dressed the buck with my nail file, ate a raw thigh, and then had my baby while I was negotiating an oil deal. Oh, and I cut the umbilical chord with my teeth. And then Charlie had the nerve to make a big deal out of me not meeting with any foreign heads of state. I've had to deal personally when some very powerful people. Before Todd, I dated two Eskimo chiefs one of them a former witch doctor who fertilized barren female salmon. I've also done my share of traveling. I've been to six different colleges!

KATIE K INTERVIEW

What's with these interviews, all they want to talk about is politics? Katie Crocket even had the nerve to ask me what newspapers I read. Let her find her own garage sales! I'm Alaska's most popular Governor. What other Alaska official gets two hundred emails everyday from Match.com. Good thing Todd doesn't know my Match.com name "Ambitious Petroleum Nympho Bitch."

DEBATE PREPARATION

They started preparing me for my big debate with Senator Joe Biden. Boring! How do they expect me to get my waves, winks, and dawg-gone-its down if they keep throwing all these names and facts at me. Senator Biden can have his darn facts. When Joe says something that sounds smart, I'll do what they first told me and look at camera, wink and respond with "Just say it ain't so, Biden."

POST DEBATE

I thought I clearly won the debate. I'm much more photogenic than my sixty-something smart ass comb-over opponent. All Senator Biden did the whole time was answer the questions they gave with dumb snooze a minute facts. His answers didn't take any imagination, not like me who just made up stuff on the spot. Stuff you had to try really hard to figure out.

JOE THE PLUMBER AND AMERICAN WORKERS

We're not doing too good in the polls, but today I met with Joe the Plumber, Ken the cabinet maker, Frank the carpenter, Jane the decorator, Sam the contractor, and Carol the nurse. I'm not going to look at this as losing an election, I'm gonna look at it as finding people who'll give me a deal to renovate my house.

CONCESSION SPEECH

Senator McCain (who I love more than selling natural gas to America for twice the price) gave a concession speech all by himself. I cried, I spent my whole day working on my own and all. My speech wouldn't have taken away anything from Senator McCain, in fact I wouldn't even have mentioned him once (by name). I would have just referred to him as that lovable old loser who walks like Frankenstein.

PROPOSITION 8

Well one good thing happened during the election. The people of California passed proposition 8 that prohibits gay people from getting married. Maybe I'll propose one that wouldn't allow them in Alaska then we wouldn't have to worry about them getting married.

BACK IN ALASKA

My first day back in Alaska has been very busy. I've had my whole family going through their clothes and tearing off the Neiman Marcus and Sax Fifth Avenue labels and switching them with Sears, Wal-Mart and Target. I told them to put on all the silk underwear they can. My pregnant daughter stuffed enough for a whole hockey team under her shirt (familiar territory for hockey players I'm afraid).

Comments

[Fredlazyboy]

You got Palin down to an hysterical T. I just read John's other story, they both consistantly funny and good original satire.

[coach553]

If there were such a thing I'd love to read the entire book. This is a very funny piece of writing. Satire at its best.

[TazoWolf]

ROFL!!! I hope Palin runs in 2012. I just love all the humor that goes with her.

[LadybugLeader]

Great satire piece! I'm glad that most saw her for who she truly is. She would've set women back more than 100 years. Thanks John for shining light on her vacuousness with such funny narrative!

[deosil]

OHHHHHHHHHH his was supposed t be a JOKE, sounded true to me!

[Stray]

This was great and this line made be cry laughing....

"He sure liked my butt. He says because of being tortured he can't raise his hands high enough to pat me on the back."

Great job.

[LoloZ]

Hilarious!!!

[hortonhearsawho2]

This is written to much from the heart...you have a Palin in the family don't you. How much are you paying young Levi?

[ericmiami]

Very funny. Macabre in how close to the truth it is. A fine piece of writing. Thanks!

[magen]

HuffPost's Pick

I only have two words.

Also, too.

[krocklin]

You forgot to end the sentence with "there".

[JohnRoarke]

That was hysterical. There are too few sources of wit this sharp around right now when we need it most. -Thanks John!

-John Roarke, Cranston, R.I.

[lastjack]

Thanks for you kind comment. It's very much appreciated. John

[Janet Carter]

This is hilarious ! I needed it this morning. Thanks, John.

[bob653aaa]

C'mon stop pulling your punches. If you don't like her say so.

[scooperss]

Heh T and A test. Funniest thing I've read for a while. Too bad it could be true.

[eva belle]

Love the different ways she would love or loves McCain