Outsourcing Assassination: to China?

09/25/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

To: Leon Panetta, Langley HQ
From: Operative 650, Shanghai office
Re: Memo XE1250


I just received the memo on the latest Blackwater scandal. Talk about embarrassing! Why did we outsource assassination to those bozos? Remember in 2006 when a Blackwater guy, drunk as a skunk, killed the Iraqi vice president's bodyguard? And we were going to deputize these trigger-happy Rambos to take down America's Most Wanted? I wish we could simply put all the blame on the last administration. But we're still shelling out millions to the company to provide "security" in Iraq.

Look, if we're going to outsource, we should outsource to the experts. The Chinese. They make our clothes. They make our computers. Heck, they even supply the components for our weapons systems. Why not give them the task of assassinating jihadists?

Here are the top five reasons to go with the Chinese:

  1. It's an easy way around the 1976 executive order banning us from conducting assassinations. We keep our hands clean. What's a little more blood on the hands of the Chinese?
  2. We're cooperating with the Chinese on everything these days: the global economy, climate change, those pesky North Koreans. I hear that there is even talk in Washington of a G-2, in which Washington and Beijing set up a formal structure to manage the world. Let's seal the relationship the good old-fashioned way: with a covert op.
  3. The Chinese dislike the jihadists as much as we do, if not more. They're cracking down on their own Muslim population in Xinjiang. Why not give them a shot at going global?
  4. Plausible deniability: No one would expect us to partner with the Chinese on this. And the media expects the worst from Beijing, so revelations of an assassination squad wouldn't raise an eyebrow.
  5. We'll save money. Blackwater -- I have a hard time using the company's new name Xe since it makes them sound like a cologne -- has been ripping us off for years. The Chinese give good product at a reasonable cost. Which reminds me: send me your measurements and I'll get you a top-quality suit.

Leon, I know this suggestion will encounter some resistance in Langley. But we have to start thinking outside the box here in the Agency. I've developed a great network of Chinese colleagues in Shanghai. We've got an active Container Security Initiative program here. The FBI has a counterterrorism office up in Beijing at the U.S. embassy. Let's bump the relationship up a notch.

If it's good enough for Wal-Mart and the boys over at DoD, then it should be good enough for us.

Operative 650 in Shanghai