Earlier this week, Jonathan Bines did a post called "How to Speak Republican".
It was very inspirational because I have to tell you, it's also pretty tough for most people to figure out what liberals mean sometimes. You think they're on your side, but they're not. You believe they're saying "yes," but they mean "no." You think they're offering you a ride home, and next thing you know, you're at the bottom of a tidal pool and they're swimming away.
Someone has to translate what they mean. Well, have no fear, because after studying liberals for years, I've got the lingo down.
Compassion: Feeling good about yourself for wanting to give away money you didn't earn to people you hope will vote for your side.
"Conscience of the Senate": KKK member.
Flag: Something to be burned and walked on at protests or alternately, waved close to election time.
Greed: Wanting to keep money you've earned instead of having it spent on Bridges to Nowhere and government loans to people who've contributed to Obama's campaign.
Guns: Vicious weapons that force people to kill each other.
He's in the pocket of big oil: He was once seen filling up the tank of his car with gas.
Jesus: Someone who shouldn't ever be brought up in schools, other government buildings, or politics in general unless you're claiming he was really a liberal who'd be in favor of gay marriage and abortion.
Minorities: People who are too dumb and incompetent to make it without liberal help.
Morals: Things you should avoid having so you can't be accused of hypocrisy if you don't live up to your own standards.
No justice, no peace: Give us money and we'll find someone else to bother.
Our opponents refuse to compromise on this issue: The Republicans refuse to do everything we want.
Racism: A word you cry when you're losing an argument with a conservative.
Reality-based community: People who believe that Communism could work if the right people were in charge and that George W. Bush was behind 9/11 -- or the Jews, either/or.
Taxes: A limitless supply of free money to be given away to liberal special interests in return for votes.
Tolerance: Something that justifies going on hate filled rants against people who don't share your view of the world.
That charge is outrageous: That charge is true, but it's embarrassing that you brought it up in public.
Unfair attack: They quoted me.
USA: Ever heard the phrase "The devil made me do it?" Replace "The devil" with "The USA" and you'll understand every bad thing that happens in the world.
Violent rhetoric: Words like "crossfire," "job killing," and "crosshairs," when used by non-liberals.
We must address the root causes of this problem: We must not do anything to effectively address this problem. Instead we must raise taxes and pour dump trucks worth of money into whatever unrelated issue we have decided is the cause of the problem.
Follow John Hawkins on Twitter: www.twitter.com/johnhawkinsrwn