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Occupy Wall Street Is Like a Parody of a Protest

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"Stan: Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have your attention please? What are we doing? [the crowd quiets down] It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something?

A hippie: We're using the power of rock and roll to change the world! Woo! [the crowd cheers]

Stan: Maybe instead of complaining about corporations being selfish, we should look at ourselves. I mean, is there anything more selfish than doing nothing but getting high and listening to music all day long?

Singer: He's right. It's time for all of us to focus our energy and get this hippie jam into full swing. [the band starts up again. They missed his point entirely. Stan just turns right and walks away]." -- South Park, "Die Hippie, Die"

The greatest thing about the Occupy Wall Street protest is that it's practically a live re-enactment of the hippie jam festival from South Park. You have a bunch of hippies, stoners, and left-wing tag-alongs protesting Wall Street in order to... well, nobody seems to know.

Best I can tell, the idea seems to be that a bunch of over-educated, under-motivated leftie airheads are going to camp out in New York and occasionally block traffic to keep people who are working from getting home until America becomes the Soviet Union circa 1970.

Getting beyond that, let's look at what we have going on. We have a bunch of left-wingers using phones made by corporations to tweet about people like Michael Moore showing up to cheer them on or George Soros giving them the thumbs up. Of course, Moore and Soros are both filthy rich because they worked with exactly the sort of corporations the protesters are complaining about. Moreover, who are these protesters going to vote for in 2012? Barack Obama, who has given billions of taxpayer dollars to corporations that support him politically. Additionally, the unions are starting to get involved, including the UAW, which owns more than half of Chrysler, which is one of the companies on Wall Street that the protesters are theoretically protesting. It's like a puppet show where the corporations are on both sides and most of the protesters have no idea they're in a show. No one has fought the power this effectively since Rage Against the Machine signed with Sony.

Know what would actually impress me -- well, a little? If these putzes were walking around shoeless, in rags, saying that they'd rather go back to living in mud huts instead of continuing to rely on the products made by these corporations.

Of course, there could be another solution. Maybe Wall Street can come up with some way to make being a lazy hippie pay by hiring the protesters. There's not a big market for chanting mindless slogans over and over since the tape recorder hit the market which, naturally, was made possible by the corporations. What else can hippies do? Human paper weights maybe?

Ah anyway, in the interim, while all you Occupy Wall Street dirt hippies are waiting for your own personal Lenin to take America into the promised land, take some showers, stay out of traffic, and make sure to send out some resumes. (PS: Helpful hint -- don't mention that you were at the Occupy Wall Street protests to any potential employers!)

PS: The Occupy Wall Street Protests look almost as white as Netroots Nation. Are the activists there racists who are making black Americans feel uncomfortable? That's the line of reasoning that's used against the Tea Party and percentage-wise, there should be 9 times more black Americans at an event like Occupy Wall Street than a Tea Party, instead of the racial breakdown looking about the same.

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