How My Lesbian Boss Makes Me a Better Father

Why Straight Parents Need to Take a Strong Stand Against Prop 8

A short while after my son was born, my wife brought him into the office to meet my co-workers. My wife was still nursing. My infant son was hungry and my wife was going to breast feed him in my crammed office. Within seconds of learning this, my boss cleared everyone out of the comfortable lounge where we entertain high-profile clients, magically pulled her old nursing pillow out of a nearby closet, and immediately put my wife at ease. I stood in amazement as I watched the scenario unfold. My boss looked at me and said, "Don't just stand there, get her a glass of water." I never forgot the glass of water again and it was the first of many lessons my lesbian boss has taught me about how to be a better father.

There was another time my boss walked in on the nervous phone argument I was having with my wife over whether or not we were going to vaccinate our child. She stopped what she was doing, led me into her office where she promptly whipped out the paper equivalent of the Warren Commission report on pros and cons of childhood vaccinations.

I could list dozens of similar examples of the parental wisdom that has been passed down from my boss. She and her wife are super-moms. You would be hard pressed to find parents who love their kids as much or who are as actively engaged in the well-being and development of children. When my wife and I wrestle with the millions of choices parents wrestle with, we often look to the decisions made by other parents we respect as a guide. Kelly and Linda would be at the top of that list. If there is one thing fatherhood has taught me, it is that good parents help make other parents good. And very often we straight Dads can use all the advice we can get.

For all of my boss' advice, it's witnessing the love she gives her kids that is a constant reminder of what it means to have your priorities in the right place. Her two daughters are in the office all the time. Even with a high-power position, she rarely misses a parent-teacher night or a school auction. Her office has a floor to ceiling cork board with all of her daughters' artwork and photographs. I've been to her house -- like mine, it has been taken over with the kids' toys, save for a tiny office reserved for the parents' stuff. My wife and I and our kids see their family at the Sunday morning farmers market, at a local pancake place, at swim lessons. Save for gender, our lives are virtually the same.

Occasionally, when straight parents get together, the subject of gay marriage or more over, gay parenting, comes up. For those of us who know same gender parents, the reaction is almost unanimous: gays and lesbians tend to make amazing parents. Maybe it's their acute sensitivity. Maybe it's because it is so much harder for gay and lesbians to become parents, so they work at it more. Maybe it's because they know they will face increased scrutiny and opposition as parents. Maybe it's genetics or a worldview, or maybe it's because of the heart-wrenching prospect that the same group behind the Prop 8 measure, if empowered, will some day try to take their children away.

As the Los Angeles Times wrote in its eloquent essay in opposition to Prop 8:

"Supporters of Proposition 8 insist that the measure is in no way intended to diminish the rights of gays and lesbians, but instead means to encourage ideal households for the raising of children."

Underneath the pro Prop 8 argument is a belief that gays and lesbians, simply by virtue of their sexual orientation, make bad parents. If only that were true, then we straight Dads would have it so easy.

I think moderate straight men and women might be able to rationalize, as both the Democratic and Republican presidential candidates have, that the word "marriage" should be exclusively reserved for a man and a woman. While certainly discriminatory, it is an accepted and often widely embraced political mantra. It is easy to conflate Prop 8 with that political talking point. But the fact is the proposition is far more dangerous. This proposition would be the grease to a very, very slippery slope. If successful, Prop 8 will embolden a radical agenda (mostly funded from outside California) which will not only take aim at Adam and Steve, but their children.

For many straight, well-intentioned parents of all political affiliations, Prop 8 may conjure up stereotypical images of carefree gay and lesbian couples running off to City Hall in leather chaps, who could be similarly served by civil unions, and separate but equal laws. Those parents may believe, "You know, marriage should be reserved for a man and a woman." Setting aside the arguments of civil rights, basic fairness and equality, I would ask those parents to think carefully about when those same gender husbands and wives become mothers and fathers. Since children have been the focus of so many of those frightening television ads supporting Prop 8, I ask you, "What about the children?"

At the very least, Prop 8 will create a group of second-class citizens discriminated against by our state constitution. At its absolute worst, manufacturing a defined "difference" between straight and gay relationships will manifest itself in a manufactured difference between straight and gay parents. This prejudiced social construction already manifests itself in several states, where gays and lesbians are not allowed to adopt children; or a same-sex partner does not have the right to adopt their partner's biological child. This goes against the push for nuclear, two-parent households so passionately endorsed by many conservatives and liberals. Leaving children in the murky middle ground of adults' conflicts is simply unconscionable. And so is Prop 8.

Comments

[beantowner]

Why can't we, as a society, simply celebrate love in all its forms? Love is a good thing, and we can always use more of it. Gay people do NOT threaten any straight person's way of life. Prop 8 in CA and Prop 102 here in Arizona seek to divide us further. It's time to unite in favor of EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL.

God willing, a black man will be our next President. It's time we got up-to-speed with the 21st century on this "gay marriage" issue, as well.

Peace! Love! Happiness! OBAMA!

[SteveDenver]

Can't we be like the majority of Europe where marriage is the province of the church and legal union is the province of the government? That's why it is a cinch for Spain to adopt gay unions: it's a state matter. Some churches still don't marry same-gender couples, it's their prerogative.

Gays and lesbians get married all the time, it's just not recognized by the state. Funny how marriage is only sacred when gays and lesbians want to marry.

Gays and lesbians adopt all the time, but custody is usually only by one partner and not both. Funny how many people think it's okay for children to remain warehoused when there are loving homes available. If I were a single heterosexual parent, I would be outraged by the arguments that insult my home.

I think the reason many gay and lesbian households provide excellent homes is because many G/L parents don't take the opportunity for granted and do feel a spotlight. Of course, there are plenty of crummy homes on both sides of the sexuality divide, but my gay and lesbian friends who are raising kids have TONS of support and assistance. I know very few nongay parents who suffer from too many offers to babysit, an avalanche of gifts at every opportunity, and non-stop adoration of their children.

[syrynus]

You so wrong in your assumptions.

No church in the U. S. is obligated to marry gay couples.. The right that gays are fighting for is the right to have both have a legal civic marriage, and to have the right to be married in any church that will perform the ceremony, like Unitarian churches.

Right now, no one can force a Catholic priest to marry an Anglican, or a Baptist preacher to marry two Mormons, or a Buddhist priest to marry two Jews. Churches have the right to refuse to marry anyone they want. Making marriage for gays legal would not chance that at all.

But right now, in most of the country, even if a pastor wanted to marry two gays who were members of his or her church, the wedding wouldn't be legal. Right now, in most parts of the country, if a gay couple want to have a civil marriage (justice of the peace) they have no right to this.

If your church objects to gay marriages, then don't marry gays! But no church has the right to impose it's views on all Americans.

By the way, I'm always bewildered by the "letting gays marry will destroy traditional marriage" arguments. I always want to ask the good, church-going people who pitch this line, "So....if gay marriage were legal, are you saying that you wouldn' t have married your wife, you would have married another man? Or your wife would have married a woman?"

[equalground]

Read the Supreme Court Ruling. The ruling will answer your questions and explain how refusing a gay marriage differs from refusing the marriage of another faith. One is religion and the other is sexual orientation.

However, the court relied on a religious comparative to justify the suspect classification that allowed this to happen. Ironic, huh! They also had to create a new rule for suspect classification never used before in civil rights cases, which is that the suspect classification is "for minorities who are unable to use the political process to address their needs." Somehow the gay and lesbian community qualified under this rule. Like the gay and lesbian political effort lacks resources (top fundraising effort in history of America), don't know any attorneys, and are not represented in political circles.

Given the effort to wrestle the law, anything is possible - even requiring ministers to perform gay marriages because the suspect classification is based on sexual orientaion not a suspect classification of religion. Had it been a suspect classification of religion, the schools would not be able to teach the ideology based on separtion of Church and State. Best of both worlds, Any questions? Happy reading.

Before I am called a bigot - remember three judges dissented and, I am to understand, one of these judges is not straight. Until two days ago I'd never been called a conservative or a bigot, which is defined as intolerence of another's creed, belief, or opinion - unless bigotry has been recently

[equalground]

One more note - check out the new California Civil Rights Act of 2008, sponsored by Equality California, which broadens the application of the Unruh Act, which was recently used to justify a doctor being charged with discrimination for not being willing to perform artificial insemination based on faith. As I recall, the ruling does not care if another doctor in the practice is willing to perform the procedure. All doctors in the practice who perform the procedure, must be willing to perform the procedure on all patients or not perform the practice at all. One dissenting judges dissented on the question of whether the ruling would apply to sole-propr­ietorships­, which was not resolved but will be considered in the future. Using the same logic of marriage and religion comparison - the doctor treats other heterosexual women but refuses service to certain patients for other medical reasons or because a woman is not married, which is okay - why would he be charged for not being willing to treat a lesbian women, if another doctor is willing to do so. Willing to dialog in a civil manner - Thank you for the opportunity. Any thoughts? Eager to feel better about the courts decision.

[wakeup804]

If gay marriage is not for you, don't marry a gay person!!! That's as far as anyone who is not gay should go. If something is not your thing, don't do it. Your beliefs are just that, yours. Let it govern your conduct, but you have NO RIGHT to tell other grown people how they should govern theirs based on your views. I personally cannot stand idiots and fools, but you have a right to exist.

[antiokian]

people are just haters! gays, whites, blacks, women, men...it's all crap.

[karenvv]

Prop 8 should pass in order to protect the rights of others. Unfortunately those of you who are blogging here have not investigated what is happening in other areas of the country but especially Massachussetts and California. Parents have lost rights and cannot take their children out of school when teachers are promoting the gay agenda. One father even was arrested because he wanted to take his child out of school for promotion of issues he didn't agree with. He was told "parents have no rights"!. A black woman lost her job because she stated she didn't appreciate the comparison of gay rights to civil rights. (expression of free speech). A pastor has been jailed because a gay couple demanded to be married by him (which was against his belef system... like they couldn't have asked someone else? (CAN) It is UNFAIR for the gay agenda to promote their belief system over others. Civil unions are already in place with all the "rights" so why do they need the name of "marriage" too? VOTE YES ON PROP 8!

[jbr415]

Karen, the man in Massachusets was arrested for tresspassing when he threw a temper tantrum at a school board meeting. The rest of your post is equally explainable, though not necessary. The arguments for passing Prop 8 cannot win on their own merits, so supporters feel the need to embellish, distract, divide and outright lie. Why is it so disturbing to see more happy families? Is your own family so emotionally and spiritually poor that you feel the need to harm others? Make no mistake, passage of Prop 8 WILL harm families, real people who are our friends, coworkers, families and neighbors. Shame on you!

[antiokian]

you're right!!! it all makes sense now!

the gays are gonna take over the world and eat our children, and spread their agenda of hate and promiscuity and AIDS across the US and all of us who disagree will be inevitably jailed...or converted into food!

ARRAARGGGGGGH!!!!

YES ON PROP 8! LOL

[pkafin]

I'm calling you right here and now a LIAR.

These things you report either id not ahppen at all, or did not happen in the way you state. Pay attention to the following words, karenvv:

1) A Parent may ALWAYS keep a child out of school a day or two FOR ANY REASON.

2) No pastor, rabbi, or imam could or would be jailed for refusing to marry a couple. Your own common sense should tell you that. While It would be illegal for a justice of the peace to refuse to marry a Jew to a Catholic, no rabbi or priest has ever been forced to perform that ceremony.

Religions have their own rules. Religious leaders within a congregation may be correct to assert that, according to their religion, there is no such thing as gay marriage. However, in America, the law recognizes civil marriages. Of the civil type (of marriage), currently in California, there is gay marriage.

Your interest in denying gay people the right to pursue their constitutionally protected right to be married is nothing short of disgusting.

[equalground]

Checkout the following National Public Radio (NPR) article titled "When Gay Rights and Religious Liberties Clash":

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91486191

Or, Google the article title. I think the exposure arises because of the suspect classification granted by the court as it relates to sexual orientaion. NPR is a pretty reliable source. Hope it helps explain the risk.

[shockmagog]

"Prop 8 should pass in order to protect the rights of others."

Wrong.

Care to back up your "facts" with proof? You say it is unfair "for the gay agenda to promote their belief system over others." They are asking to keep the same rights that YOU have. How is that usurping YOUR RIGHTS? If what you say is true, that all gay peoples' marriage "rights" are already in place, then WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

The problem is, you have no argument, only your own bigotry laid bare for all to see.

Vote NO on Proposition 8 if you want to protect the rights of others.

[Rebeca]

Let Prop 8 pass, and we take a major step back to "separate but equal," a la 1960's. It's easy to say you're protecting "others' rights" when you are the "other." Why should gays have to sacrifice their right to marry to placate the obviously anti-gay? If Prop 8 passes Karen, this will be a huge step back for everyone's rights. Including yours, Karen. Someday, you might find that you are not on the favored party of some other insidious proposition, and the time to prevent that from happening is NOW. You have to look beyond your own prejudices and realize that what is supposed to make this country great is its diversity. You might not like gay marriage, so don't go to the weddings. It's your right.

This has very little to do with the children. If heterosexual marriage is such a wonderful institution for raising children in--why do we have the tremendous amount of abuse inflicted upon these kids? Why do we battered spouse shelters filled to capacity? Please find another argument because these "protecting the rights of others" and "what about the children" is simply not holding water. Better yet--since you're *so* worried about the children, go volunteer. It will make you feel really good about yourself and maybe you'll stop wanting to diminish the rights of others to make you feel special.

[equalground]

The Supreme Court rejected the immutable rights argument, which greatly diminishes, if not eliminates, any comparison with the separate by equal argument of the 1960's. In fact, without the immutable rights argument the Civil Rights Amendment never happens.

Definitely about children. Glad to argue it another time but suffice it to say the Supreme Court made it clear it is about family and children.

[Treehuggindirtworshiper]

As a person who lives in a hate state (Missouri) and attends church (Episcopal) with several lesbian couples and their children, I pray that the people of California rise up and set a precedent for the entire country by not just defeating prop 8 but by by defeating it on a grand scale. God Bless!!!

[PriUS]

I urge you to not make generalizations -- and statements like "gays and lesbians tend to make amazing parents" -- based on a couple of anecdotes. I would posit that gay men and lesbians are parents as deeply flawed as mixed-orientation parents, and to say otherwise adds to the "otherness" of the gay parenting experience. Gay people probably just want living situations to be normalized, and regarded as natural (the many observances of gay parenting in the animal kingdom should be enough evidence).

I am all for equal opportunity of marriage and parenting to gays and lesbians, and will always vote accordingly. Gay people have been parents since the dawn of the human race, with varying results, and with or without the knowledge of the fellow human who co-parents with them. For further insight, please see the first-hand accounts of parenting in mixed-orientation marriages in books such as "The Other Side of the Closet" or in organizations like the Straight Spouse Network.

On a side note: I assure you that my gay husband never once brought me a glass of water when I breastfed any of our children. Nor did I feel that he had any "amazing" parenting skills or "acute sensitivity" (except to his own needs, I suppose). He struggled and made mistakes, like every other parent. There is a wide range of normal. My kids turned out fine, whatever their parents were or weren't.

[SadiSays]

"On a side note: I assure you that my gay husband never once brought me a glass of water when I breastfed any of our children."

HUH??

Pardon?... * blink * blink *

[PriUS]

News flash, Sadi, there are 2 million mixed-orientation marriages in the U.S.

Many people in a mixed-orientation marriage are unaware of their spouse's orientation before the wedding. This may seem strange, but in situations such as fundamentalist religious families there are good reasons why some gay people deny their orientation to their families, their spouses and themselves. It is a tragedy, as the sorrow of falseness can ruin lives.

Carrie Fisher discussed co-parenting with a gay man on NPR, Dina McGreevey, the former Gov. of NJ's wife spoke out, and Honor Moore, the eldest of 9 children of the Episcopal Archbishop of New York, wrote a New Yorker article about her father's gay life, including a 30-year relationship with a man.

No one should be surprised that gay folks can physically parent children, and have been doing it forever They can also parent very well emotionally and morally. But this article tries to say that gay parents are in some ways superior; it's a false syllogism that leads to 'reverse bigotry.' They should be accepted as any other parents -- as Good Enough, struggling with the usual issues, and a few others thrown in by those who judge.

I wouldn't trade my marriage with a gay man; it resulted in 3 spectacular children. I wish their dad would come out -- he would see the acceptance and love that self-actualization brings. We are all okay with it, we just wish he could be.

[mr jellyneck]

Whenever I think about the civil unions vs. marriage argument, I have to remind myself that separate is NOT equal. When will the rest of America realize marriage is a right, not a privilege based on the sexual orientation of the majority?

[littledogs1]

I believe prop 8 is unconstitutional. We are garunteed equal rights under the constitution, we are all the same, why should I as a strait woman be afforded more protection and rights than my gay or lesbian brothers and sisters? The religious right is taking over this country and I fear that left unchecked they will begin to unravel the very fabric of what makes this country great. Wshen the founding father wrote the Decleration of Indipendance they said, "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certian unalienable rights, among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" And if we do not let Gays have their right to happiness and liberty we risk starting down a path where all of our rights ar in jeopardy, it truely is the begining of the end if we let these right wing nut jobs continue run our government as if it is their personal toy.

[shockmagog]

"We have an obligation to pass along to our children a more tolerant, a more decent society."
--Samuel L. Jackson

We donated to "No on 8."
http://www.noonprop8.com/

Although we are not L, B, or GT, we know that discrimination based on race, creed, religion or se.xu.al orientation is wrong.

[barbwiregrrl]

I just came home from 24 and Mission Street in San Francisco. My wife and I were married on Thursday. As we were driving by the BART station on 24th and Mission...there were a whole bunch of non Lantinos (this is a Latino Neighborhood) with megaphones screaming in Spannish YES on 8. These are the same morons who also push the anti immigration nonsense into law here in CA. Anyway...I sat there for a moment and remember how I stood with my Latino and Latina brothers and sisters to stop the Props condemining immigrants.

Why is it so easy for most of us LGBT folks to get it that "none of us are free until all of us are free"...yet I have read that the largest block of voters in favor of Prop 8 are African Americans and Latinos. This pains me greatly.

We got out of our car and walked up to the people with the megaphone and just said..."too late....we are going to teach love not hate like you....Too bad you can not lead by example"

[littleblackcat]

Great post! Too many people have never had gay friends or gotten to know any member of the gay/lesbian community. We have way too many nincompoops who are so afraid "It might rub off!" that they put up these barriers against meeting G/Ls, preferring to closet themselves with other narrowminded scaredycats and hide under the bed. If there was only a pill that shortcircuited closed minds! I would wish the friendship of a gay person for anyone and everyone. They are some of the best and brightest people I have ever met, and unfailingly are thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, and generous. These traits are those that most of the world could use more of.

[Inoefea]

I agree, that Prop 8 is basically legalizing Hate Mongering! I voted NO! on Prop 8.

Do I want my child to grow up in a world that puts people in categories? NO!

We are all humans and whom does it hurt if a gay couple decides to marry? NO ONE!

What does gay marriages take away from straight marriages??? NOTHING.

What bothers me is the propaganda style of those that oppose this bill, with their racist, sexist hate message!!!

I see more hate among the straight couples than gay couples...why is that??? Why are they (straight people and couples) so threatened by this???? As always, they say it in the name of God, I'm pretty sure that God loves everyone. Even those paralyzed from the neck up.

Stop using God as an excuse for those that just HATE, because God is about Love. People forget, he/she created all of us in his/her image..NUFF SAID!

[almostfamous]

My experience has been much the same and I speak not only for myself when I say your thoughtful, sincere and unique point of view is much appreciated. Sadly and oddly funny (in its peculiarity) is comments like these, from straight counterparts, are often the more convincing argument in the eyes of the opposition. If more people don't speak out, as you have, the discriminatory Prop 8 could soon be passed.

It's of some notice that arguments regarding this proposition rarely, if ever, take the lives of these children into account. It's unfortunate so many are led by fear, rather than love, especially when claiming religion as grounds for which they argue.

The cost, should Prop 8 pass, is greater than most realize. Unnecessary litigation, redtape, loss of potential revenue to CA business and, more importantly, the inequality to families already with children and those seeking families in the most legitimate way possible.

It seems you've taken the opportunity to provide your boss the kind of support she has provided you, which, as you explained, was more by example than advice. High compliment if ever there were one.

Reminds me of what Jennifer Beals says. Basically, look straight people, gays aren't bad once you get to know them. Live, work, and even possibly serve among them. See them on a day-to-day basis, rather than reducing them to politics. I consistenly arrive at this conclusion: The political is personal.

Thank you!

[gaydm]

A marriage license is not a license to have sex.

A marriage license does not involve children.

A marriage license is not required to have children, for that all you need is a six pack of beer and the back seat of mom and dads car.

With over 6 billion people and climbing, water issues, food issues, land issues, and with just plain bad attitudes of people for one another, wars, genocide, etc. etc.

I as a gay man see NO need for me to partake in creating a child. I refuse to endanger, or expose any child of mine to such a place as this. I realize that is MY own opinion, but it is THE ONLY ONE that counts toward MY right to whether I father any child.
No one can LEGALLY make me father a child against my will.
I do not dislike children, I do not dislike or deny Your right to have as many as you desire. I just think it would be better if you who do have your children would be more thoughtful about it than "because I have the equipment, then I must breed". That thinking just cheapens and dishonors the gift, and the responsibility, of having a child.

[gaydm]

Having said that I do not wish to have my own child, I do not discount that I would have been quite happy, or able, to parent, or foster a child who has lost his/her parents. I would take care of a child who was abandoned, whose parents had been killed, who no one else would take in. BUT, I would only do so IF I had the full support of the legal, and social services available to regular parents. Since I do not, and I feel as a pariah when even asking for things for my own welfare, I do refuse to have a child that way as well.
I wish that I could, I would be a great parent, of that I am sure. But not under these conditions.

[eilish]

My son loves children and they him. He agrees with you that he and his partner cannot bring children into their relationship as long as this attitude prevails, which is probably his lifetime. Regarding the 'instability' of the longevity of gay unions, he replies that there is no reason that statistic would not mirror the 50-60% divorce rate of hetero marriages. So the abusive parent is sacred, the gay one is not by decree. I have left the Mormon religion after 28 years due to this outrageously well-funded politicking by Mormons who don't even live in the state of California. The fact that the church brought the heinous scourge of polygamy and then ignored the consequences has contributed greatly as well.