Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

John Marshall Headshot

Banking System to Rely on Nation's Birthday Checks

Posted: Updated:

As the global financial and economic crisis worsens, policy makers now believe the success of the bank bailout rests on private investors, including hedge funds, private equity funds and Grandma.

Economically, grandmas are best known as the world's leading purchasers of hard candies placed in a dish on the coffee table for company. But financial experts know that grandmas are also the world's leading distributor of $25 birthday funds.

"Typically these checks are mailed once a year to an ungrateful grandchild," said an official who wished to remain unidentified because he is an ungrateful grandchild.

According to census figures, there are currently 76.9 million Americans aged 44 to 62 who call themselves Grandma, Nana or some other term. Analysts estimate that if their $25 checks were diverted to Wall Street, the nation's banks could receive $1.9 billion.

But that is not nearly enough to jump start the economy, as experts say it will take roughly 300 billion trillion manillion dollars, plus jumper cables that reach from here to China.

And it will be difficult to get investors to buy contaminated assets that wiped out the capital of many banks. Fortunately, experts have another resource to tap into: the nation's couches.

"The average American loses anywhere from five cents to $1.35 in his couch each year," said an expert. "If we can recover these monies, not only from between the cushions, but deep down in the disgusting parts, we can prevent foreclosures as well as clean the TV room."

Another untapped source of income comes from perhaps America's wealthiest icon, the Tooth Fairy. Economists believe that if there were a way to get this mythical oral pixie to buy distressed assets instead of paying for lost baby teeth, the crisis could be over by July.

Meanwhile, experts, officials and economists agree that the key to solving the banking crisis is giving more money to the people who created it in the first place.