WASHINGTON - What goes around no longer comes around. Appealing to voters who believe the laws of the universe should be administered by the states, Congress said the law of karma no longer applies to the U.S., the most historic repeal since the end of Prohibition in 1933.
As a result, actions will no longer have consequences and people will no longer reap what they sow. Also, thanks to a recent Supreme Court decision, corporations will be able to spend unlimited amounts influencing cause and effect, unhindered by spiritual repercussions.
"This is good news for us," said a spokesman for BP, the world's number one provider of oil spills. "Believe it or not, we used to actually hold back on our safety violations and lack of regulations, because we feared divine retribution. Now the world is our oiled oyster."
Republicans have wanted to repeal karma ever since the resignation of President Nixon, but have never been able to muster the votes. They did so this year after threatening a holistic filibuster that not only would have bottled up all U.S. legislation, but all U.S. meditation.
"Now we can not only lower taxes on the rich, we can make it illegal to be poor," said John Boehner (R-OH), House Minority leader, who admitted he at first thought "karma" was another word for "socialism."
Sarah Palin caused a minor embarrassment when she reported on her Facebook page that Congress had voted to repeal "Karma Chameleon."
The karmic repeal also affects the law of reincarnation. While bad people will no longer be reincarnated as dung beetles, hardworking people will no longer be able to come back as middle managers or rich pricks, which is dismaying to Democrats.
"We would have preferred to see the law of karma remain in effect," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "But we're not too worried. After all, what goes around, comes... oh, wait a minute."
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