Court Upholds Westboro Funeral Protests; Millions Decide Not to Die

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court ruled 8 to 1 that the First Amendment covers all speech regardless of whether it's on the far right or the far far right. "If we don't protect the right to disrupt a military funeral today," said Chief Justice John Roberts, "we may lose the right to disrupt a gay marriage tomorrow."

The Court held that the Constitution protected conservative speech, but not liberal speech. "A right-wing hate group has the right to be as close as possible to a funeral service," said Roberts, "whereas a left-wing peace group protesting the Republican Convention must be kept far away from the entrance."

He added that he didn't write the Constitution, "I just rewrite it."

The left said their commitment to free speech principles meant they would support any group that dehumanized or demonized them. "It's a small price to pay, having our deaths disrupted," said a lefty. "That and losing PBS."

A Westboro Baptist spokesman said it would continue attacking America's tolerance of gays by protesting at mostly straight funerals. "You can't process us with a normal brain," said the spokesman. "We're on a drug called the Westboro Baptist church."

Roberts said the Founding Fathers designed the First Amendment to encourage shouting matches not just at funerals, but at wakes and morgues. He suggested mourners incorporate screaming into the funeral service itself.

"You'd have the eulogy, the viewing of the body, people paying their last respects and then a spirited debate over whether God loves homosexuals," said Roberts.

However, he cautioned that if the left even attempted to disrupt any Westboro Baptist church services, they would be put in jail, where they would then be protested by the Westboro Baptist church.

He added that liberals must accept this, as there is no one higher to appeal to, "except the Koch Brothers."

More political analysis by John Marshall can be found at Tyrannosaurus Rocks.