My fellow Americans,
I am thrilled to be the newest member of the Obama administration. Although not a rescue, as many of you had hoped, I did come from Ted Kennedy, and while I appreciate his service to the nation, I am pleased to no longer have to drive in a car with him.
My name is Bo and I was named after Michelle's father, whose nickname was Diddley. Apparently he was named after someone who had a cobra snake for a necktie and a house made out of rattlesnake hide. Somehow this had something to do with Nike commercials.
As First Puppy, I expect to get away with things the same as any other White House pet, like Socks the cat or Tim Geithner the Treasury Secretary. But I also plan to accomplish much, hopefully over two terms (14 terms in dog years).
Although I hold a position of considerable influence, I do not read newspapers or watch television. Rather, I sniff trees, bushes and garbage. That is how I pick up information. Dried pee -- that is my Fox News. (For some of you, I'm guessing it's yours, too).
I want to be held accountable for my actions, and if I do the wrong thing I expect to be swatted on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, if any are still in business.
I will use my position to set an example for other canines. For example, when it comes to chasing cars I will only pursue hybrid electric vehicles such as the Prius and will not so much as bark at a car made by an American company whose CEO flies in a private jet.
In foreign policy, I will begin withdrawing dogs from the long-standing War on Mailmen and begin deploying them to other, neglected conflicts, such as the War on UPS or the War on Domino's.
I cannot help apprehend pirates, but I can help ensure that when these criminals are locked up, there is a dog with the keys in his mouth sitting just out of reach beyond the bars, like in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyworld.
I don't like using this term, but I will pursue a pet project -- dogs. Those of who you who are debating whether to get a dog from a shelter or a breeder are missing the point. You need to get all of them. Your country is falling apart and you are in greater need of unconditional love and lack of rejection than at any time in your history. This is the key to your economic revitalization, not bailouts the size of bully sticks.
But what do I know? I'm a six-month-old Portuguese water dog.
It's time for my walk, but first I'd like to say that as a Democratic presidential dog I have big pawprints to fill. Buddy Clinton. Fala Roosevelt. Him and Her Johnson. But even though I am an Obama, I am also a Kennedy. So as I assume office, I say to all of you ask not what your country can hump for you, ask what you can hump for your country.
For information on adopting a dog, go to www.aspca.org.