History To Leave Washington Nov. 2

Remember, in one week we turn back the clocks

WASHINGTON - In a rare interview, History said that it would leave the nation's capital on Election Day, right after the Republicans take control of the House.

"I had a good run," said History. "The first African-American president, health care, WikiLeaks. What am I gonna study now? Tax cuts for the rich?"

History said it did not want a break, but the lack of historical events would leave it no choice. "The times they are no longer a-changin'," it said. "It's time I did what you people can't - move forward."

The famed study of the past said it would not be needed to chronicle the only Americans who will make history now - the richest one percent. "They have their own in-house writers," it said. "Future generations will learn history from corporate websites."

History said it expected to be rewritten as soon as the polls closed. "I may be a scholarly discipline developed over thousands of years, cutting across all eras and cultures," it said, "but even I am no match for John Boehner."

This means that History itself will soon be history. "Without me, you will enter another Dark Ages, although this time you have Glee, Facebook and Taylor Swift."

Set to be succeeded by either Dogma or Propaganda, History is one abstraction that has concrete plans. "Unlike the war in Afghanistan or Don't Ask, Don't Tell, I have a definite end," it said. "I'm History, not the Mayan End of the World Prophecy."

Also set to leave Washington are Decency, Bipartisanship and the Department of Education.

John Marshall is performing stand-up in Jeff Kreisler's Comedy Against Evil show, October 29 at the DC Arts Center in Washington, the night before the Rally to Restore Sanity. If you only attend one historic political comedy weekend this year, make it this one.