McDuck Gives Fraud Testimony

WASHINGTON - Insisting he did nothing wrong, billionaire Scrooge McDuck testified today before the Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations. The S.E.C. is accusing the webbed financier of selling collateralized debt obligations to investors and betting short against them, as well as diving off a springboard and swimming through them.

"I categorically deny it! I categorically deny it! I categorically deny it!" shouted the Glaswegian mallard in his trademark Scottish brogue, jumping up and down while his rimless spectacles bounced amusingly on his wide duckbill.

This isn't the first time the world's richest waterfowl was accused of wrongdoing. In 1902, then-president Theodore Roosevelt accused his friend McDuck of colluding to promote plutocracy at the expense of democracy, causing McDuck's eyes to bulge out of his head while boinging all over the Oval Office.

Republican Senator Susan M. Collins of Maine repeatedly asked McDuck's colleagues - Donald, Huey, Dewey and Louie - whether they felt a duty to act in the best interests of their clients. Only one of the four - CFO and nephew Donald - would affirm such a duty and even then she couldn't quite understand what he was saying.

McDuck refused to implicate his friends Fabrice Tourre and Lloyd Blankfein, vice president and chairman of Goldman Sachs, muttering that cartoon characters ought to stick together.

At one time, McDuck's fortune was estimated at one multiplujillion, nine obsquatumatillion, six hundred twenty-three dollars and sixty-two cents. Now, thanks to the recession, it's about half that.