09/14/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Obama to Drop "Health" and "Care" from Health Care Plan

If you're happy with your health care debate, you get to keep it. If you're not happy, or you simply cannot afford to participate in dialogue, you get to shout it down until there's nothing left of it.

WASHINGTON - In an effort to pass a bi-partisan bill with a Republican party that wouldn't give him a glass of water if his tie were on fire, President Obama plans to take a diluted health care plan that was already pre-approved by the insurance industry and eliminate "health" and "care" from it.

Having abandoned the idea of a public option, and planning to abandon the idea of non-profit cooperatives, the next step will be abandoning health care altogether, according to a spokesman.

"Some will be upset that we didn't get everything we wanted, or anything, even," said the spokesman. "But we've worked hard to come up with a compromise that both Republicans AND the insurance companies find acceptable, and still they hate us like we ran over their family pet."

He added, "For a neoliberal administration to be accused of being liberal, and then to see town hall meetings where our mild health proposal gets slammed by mostly fat people, we had to do something."

The plan, now called just "Plan," contains no references to medicine, doctors, insurance or illness, reflecting the fact that the country which just elected a government to provide them with health care does not trust the government to provide them with health care.

According to the spokesman, the administration holds out hope that the new non-plan plan will appeal to both parties, although it appears that the electorate is also opposed to government-run bipartisanship.

"As a country, we are focused on non-existent things, like death panels, instead of things with non-existent benefits, like the bailout," said the spokesman. "As the only industrialized nation without universal health care, we have a proud tradition of getting sick and dying without government interference."

He added that the whole issue may be moot, as what is most likely to happen is that the U.S. foreign debt will grow so large that the United States will soon be owned lock, stock and barrel by another country, say, China.

"We will lose all our freedoms, but gain all their health care," he said. "Instead of a socialist public option, there'll be a state-sponsored Communist one. Then if you want to shout it down, you'll have to learn how to speak Mandarin."