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John Marshall

John Marshall

Posted: May 26, 2009 03:41 PM

Republicans Get All F*cked Up Over Opposing First Hispanic Supreme Court Choice


WASHINGTON - When President Obama announced that he would nominate federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court, to become the nation's first Hispanic justice, Republicans didn't know how to react for the first time since Walter Mondale said "I like President Reagan" in 1984.

"I know I'm supposed to respond with something stupid like 'change doesn't come in a teabag,' or in a bottle of Bacardi, or some other beverage metaphor," said Michael Steele, the first African-American Republican Party chairman. "But witlessness fails me."

Republican Texas Senator John Cornyn, a member of the Judiciary Committee, publicly said he would carefully go over Sotomayor's record, but privately said he wouldn't. "Just put her in," he said. "If I want to see a grueling choosing process, I'll watch The Bachelorette."

The artist formerly known as the Republican Senator Arlen Specter said that as a hermaphrodemocratite, if he opposed Sotomayor his head would explode.

President Obama said he made his decision after "deep reflection and careful deliberation." "Those qualities have no business in government, let alone the Republican Party," said shadow vice president and celebutainer Dick Cheney.

Senate Democrats feel confident that Sotomayor will be approved easily, especially since they have a near filibuster-proof majority. However, all of Washington is taking bets as to who will assume office first, Sotomayor or Al Franken (D-Limbo).

Prior to the selection there was widespread debate as to whether Obama should choose a female judge, a Hispanic judge or an African-American judge to replace Justice David Souter, the retiring white dullard.

"We were hoping for a television judge," said a high-ranking Republican. "We would have liked to see Justice Judy or Justice Joe Brown. Not only would they have been tough, they could have established two constitutional precedents in half an hour."