10/27/2008 10:20 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Most Needed Presidential Election Reforms

As someone who watches a lot of CNN and reads a lot of Wikipedia, I am something of an expert on the electoral process. Here are some election reforms I'd like written into the Constitution as soon as possible:

Line-Item Voting. I've gotten used to going to iTunes and never buying a whole album, just the songs I like. Similarly, I shouldn't have to vote for a whole candidate, just the positions I like.

For example, with Barack Obama, I would vote for his positions on the economy, education and Iraq, but not off-shore drilling, clean coal and a surge in Afghanistan. I would vote against all of McCain except for his decision to marry a beer distributor. Best of all, I wouldn't have to choose between Biden's superior intellect and Palin's superior MILF qualities--I could make up my own vice presidential playlist.

Early Vote Stealing. As was the case in 2000, 2004, 1876 and others too numerous to mention, vote stealing usually occurs awfully late. The success of early voting suggests that vote stealing should commence no later than mid-October (or earlier for Florida, Chicago and the South), so that stolen results can be announced the day after election day, rather than waiting until December.

The Proportional Presidency. This reform would tie presidential power to voter turnout. In other words, if a candidate wins but only 25% of the population voted, that candidate would only be president of 25% of the country. As for the remaining 75% without a president--fuck them, they didn't vote.

Pre-Discarded Absentee Ballots. With this time- and labor-saving innovation, absentee ballots would be pre-crumpled and thrown away immediately, rather than mailed out, not counted and thrown away later.

Term Limits for Election Workers. The most powerful country in the world is also the only one whose polling places are manned by little old ladies who can't see the numbers on voting machines or read the names in a registration book. Term limits would work this way: Phase 1--no election workers over 90, Phase 2--no election workers over 80.

Citibank Voting. Citicard members enjoy discounts that non-Citicard members don't. Accordingly, Citicard members should get democracy discounts, such as shorter voting booth waits, and the chance to not only buy votes, but to buy one, get one free.

Secret Voter. Like Secret Santa, except with voting, voters would be matched up from different parts of the country, so that evangelicals would do the voting for pro-abortion people and liberals would do the voting for NRA members. Thus, the natural distrust Americans feel for one another would have a holiday feel.

Credit Default Vote Swaps. Taking a cue from Wall Street, the financial community should buy up our votes, bundle them and sell them overseas. When the inevitable gigantic political crisis occurs, the government could sell 700 billion votes back to us. Then Suze Orman could go on Oprah and explain how losing democracy was all our fault in the first place.