"And Brad Pitt as Lou Dobbs"

Dear Lou Dobbs,

You're a journalist. And you believe there's something not quite right about the whole Obama birth certificate thing.

Okay. Go with your gut on this one.

I have a couple ideas:

1) Watch All the President's Men. First, it's a really good movie, I mean it seriously holds up. And Redford is cool and Hoffman is sharp and Jason Robards is awesome and the whole thing is a journo-fluffer guaranteed to make any reporter pop Woodstein.

2) Get on Priceline. Or Travelocity. Or call the person who arranges fancy travel for CNN superstar newshounds. The point is -- arrange a trip to Hawaii. With a crack camera crew. Stat.

2a) Take G. Gordon Liddy with. He's with you on this whole birth certificate thing and the irony of having a Watergate mastermind at your side is too good. Plus, he'd be a good wingman trolling for sun bunnies. Chicks dig guys who've done time and have a Magnum 'stache.

3) Stay in an awesome hotel in Honolulu.

4) Go to the beach. Have a little fun before go-time. But don't film it, please. I don't want the image of you bodysurfing seared into my cerebral cortex. Thanks.

5) Okay? Time to get your swagger on. Use your genius reporter skills to find the building where Obama's birth certificate is. My understanding is, the state of Hawaii went paperless a few years back but someone in that big government records office has the actual copy of the birth certificate and they can show it to you on camera, live. It's All the President's Men meets Hawaii 5-0 meets that Geraldo Rivera Al Capone vault thing that kind of sucked but whatever. This won't. Because if those Aloha State B-crats can't produce the doc --

6) BAM! Got 'em! Nailed! Lou BLOWS! This whole thing! Wide open! You expose the web of lies, the wall of deceit, the conspiracy that reaches back decades! You're no longer a long, slow joke circling the punchline drain, you're Lou The New!

7) You know how awesome the movie they make about this will be? This awesome: the poster will read: "And Brad Pitt As Lou Dobbs." Suck that, Woodstein.

Lou. Baby. Do it. It's win-win.

Or. If not?

You could just maybe start to kind of quiet down about all this because you were never all that smart, stable or good at the whole "gathering facts for a story" thing to start with, but you're starting to sound like a guy who's about to be played by Carrot Top.

Comments

[reader110]

10:59 AM on 07/31/2009

I wonder if Carrot Top is offended?

[LMPE]

11:25 PM on 07/30/2009

Where'd they dig up Lou Dobbs anyway?

[jobecky20]

08:50 PM on 07/30/2009

My mom brought up this point the other day: When Obama was a child, he and his mom traveled to Indonesia from the United States. To do that, he would have needed a passport. Can't get a U.S. passport without a birth certificate.

[checkmoot]

07:47 PM on 07/30/2009

I really like the idea of getting to the root of things. Obama's birth certificate may prove he was born in Hawaii, but has anyone seen the documents that prove Hawaii is a U.S. state ? Come on Lou. Think of what a block buster srory that would be.

[DragonflyChase]

08:03 PM on 07/30/2009

come on, Lou! THINK! THINK! (lol :)

[Peter Boulay]

11:10 AM on 07/31/2009

Oh, by the way, let me remind CNN of my six month old promise not to read CNN until they get rid of Lou (Joe McCarthy) Dobbs.

[DragonflyChase]

07:14 PM on 07/30/2009

THIS IS GREAT! I like your style. Please don't stop till Lou is fired. :-D

[XME]

06:40 PM on 07/30/2009

What's sad is that Robert Gibbs is exactly right: no amount of proof will convince the whack jobs!

[davidinct]

05:34 PM on 07/30/2009

And while he (Lou Dobbs) is at it, he could examine the documents that made Hawaii a state of the United States. I mean, has anyone actually SEEN them? And even if they have, perhaps they're just clever forgeries, all designed as part of a web of conspiracy to get one of Hawaii's native sons (or daughters) to ascend - eventually - to the Presidency of the United States. The conspiracy could be MUCH bigger than the "birthers" think it is... they have just the tip of the iceberg. This thing could be HUGE!

[max08]

04:50 PM on 07/30/2009

I say let Lou Dobbs carry on. He's self-destructing beautifully.

[kathy001]

03:55 PM on 07/30/2009

"...you're starting to sound like a guy who's about to be played by Carrot Top."

Love it!!!

[Economike]

03:10 PM on 07/30/2009

What this movie would really need would be to tie in an angle that Michael Jackson had faked his own death and was living in a condo in Hawaii.

[Economike]

03:08 PM on 07/30/2009

Hilarious

[notb observer]

03:00 PM on 07/30/2009

Instead of fanning the flames and perpetuating this conspiracy theory, it is contingent upon Dobbs to prove that Obama isn't a citizen. The appropriate authorities in HI have shown us the document and they are satisfied with it's legitimacy, so stop insinuating and produce some facts, or find a new pet project Lou.
Keep up this kind of fringe wingnut nonsense and you will lose your show.

[cobobs]

04:40 PM on 07/30/2009

New pet project such as African immigrants trying to permanently own the POTUS with their biracial offspring. See, the hate the Latino project is old.

[BocaMom]

02:43 PM on 07/30/2009

What a stupid story and what terrible writing. I think John McNamara should still to his TV dreck. I am not a huge Lou Dobbs fan, but this article made me want to watch him.

[jcwtts1]

03:13 PM on 07/30/2009

why? A bout a million reporters have seen the birth cert. When the rumor started hosts of reporters descended onto Hawaii and demanded to see it. Reporters were leaving the island as others landed. They would meet in the airport and laugh about what a waste of time it had been. But guess that isn't good enough. Do me a favor. Prove you are an American? Oh, and I don't believe the certificate. Go.

[temenos]

03:46 PM on 07/30/2009

Never mind, when the US has better access to health care perhaps you can get a humor transplant.

[apoyo]

02:30 PM on 07/30/2009

I thought you were making a reference to Brad Pitt as Lou Dobbs a la "Burn After Reading" style.

[Fernando]

02:14 PM on 07/30/2009

Why would Lou go through all that trouble? I mean, by just talking about it he makes the issue appear legitimate and increases his ratings by enticing the raving lunatics demographic.

By the way, does anyone REALLY believe that showing the actual birth certificate would make this issue dissapear? These people are not convince by facts.