"And Brad Pitt as Lou Dobbs"

08/30/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dear Lou Dobbs,

You're a journalist. And you believe there's something not quite right about the whole Obama birth certificate thing.

Okay. Go with your gut on this one.

I have a couple ideas:

1) Watch All the President's Men. First, it's a really good movie, I mean it seriously holds up. And Redford is cool and Hoffman is sharp and Jason Robards is awesome and the whole thing is a journo-fluffer guaranteed to make any reporter pop Woodstein.

2) Get on Priceline. Or Travelocity. Or call the person who arranges fancy travel for CNN superstar newshounds. The point is -- arrange a trip to Hawaii. With a crack camera crew. Stat.

2a) Take G. Gordon Liddy with. He's with you on this whole birth certificate thing and the irony of having a Watergate mastermind at your side is too good. Plus, he'd be a good wingman trolling for sun bunnies. Chicks dig guys who've done time and have a Magnum 'stache.

3) Stay in an awesome hotel in Honolulu.

4) Go to the beach. Have a little fun before go-time. But don't film it, please. I don't want the image of you bodysurfing seared into my cerebral cortex. Thanks.

5) Okay? Time to get your swagger on. Use your genius reporter skills to find the building where Obama's birth certificate is. My understanding is, the state of Hawaii went paperless a few years back but someone in that big government records office has the actual copy of the birth certificate and they can show it to you on camera, live. It's All the President's Men meets Hawaii 5-0 meets that Geraldo Rivera Al Capone vault thing that kind of sucked but whatever. This won't. Because if those Aloha State B-crats can't produce the doc --

6) BAM! Got 'em! Nailed! Lou BLOWS! This whole thing! Wide open! You expose the web of lies, the wall of deceit, the conspiracy that reaches back decades! You're no longer a long, slow joke circling the punchline drain, you're Lou The New!

7) You know how awesome the movie they make about this will be? This awesome: the poster will read: "And Brad Pitt As Lou Dobbs." Suck that, Woodstein.

Lou. Baby. Do it. It's win-win.

Or. If not?

You could just maybe start to kind of quiet down about all this because you were never all that smart, stable or good at the whole "gathering facts for a story" thing to start with, but you're starting to sound like a guy who's about to be played by Carrot Top.