Hello, and welcome to Iowa, hotbed of political intrigue and crazy-making recent polls, complete with frontrunner-swapping (Obama! Hillary! Romeny! Huckabee!) and the eyes of an obsessive nation trained on the ever-quivering needle of its political inclinations. Or at least the media, politics junkies and the militant internet army of Ron Paul. This time, we're less interested in fisticuffs between Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney than what kind of punches are thrown at Mike Huckabee, the new campaign darling and source of a zillion brand-new puns. Will this debate trigger a Huckaboom or a Huckabust? Does anyone remember John McCain and Fred Thompson? How long do we have to include Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo? Oh, and a super-special welcome to today's debate wildcard, Alan Keyes! Hmm, did we forget anyone? Ah, yes, the guy running to be America's next mayor, Rudy Giuliani — because in the new political world order of the last week, Giuliani (and, obvi, Romeny) suddenly isn't/aren't in the lede of every single story. Ouch, that's gotta sting. Well, who knows — it could all change now...so join us now as we liveblog every last America-loving second, because we are today's HuffPo Debate Liveblog Team: HuffPo mainstay Glynnis MacNicol, communications analyst John Neffinger, HuffPo political reporter Jason Linkins and your moderator, Rachel Sklar (me!). Glynnis isn't pictured above, alas, but check out her mug (and writing) here. Together, we'll use as many variations on Huckabee's name as we possibly can, all while trying to be relevant, or at least relevant-ish, like Tancredo. (You're welcome, Tancredo.) Okay, join us....now!
Rachel: Okay everyone we are on! Here we go - Iowa GOP Debate!
I'm watching on MSNBC. You guys? The debate is being simulcast live on all three networks so let's spread the ratings wealth.
John: Is it true? Is Alan Keyes here today?
Rachel: Yes - he qualifies under the Iowa rules. So be prepared for some grandstanding.
John: Wow. Do I qualify under the Iowa rules?
Jason: Dennis Kucinich, by the way, doesn't.
John: Shoot.
Rachel: Yes. Poor UFO-loving elfin Dennis Kucinich.
Rachel: Wow, this TV production is REALLY no-frills eh? It feels very PBS. (Actually the PBS debate had by far the best pre-show.)
Jason: As before, for the sake of organization, I'lll peg each question.
Jason: QUESTION: The Economy. The US faces a tsunami of debt. Do you agree that this is a security risk?
Jason: Giuliani says we need discplined spending, so look for his mistresses to be given security through private-sector monies.
Rachel: I really hate when the word "tsunami" is used. I always find it jarring and inappropriate.
Glynnis: Interesting opener since all the talk post the last debate has been focused on immigration.
Rachel: Is this debate in High-Def? Giuliani looks a little....real.
Jason: Talking about the "death tax", which affects, what, 100 people? China is our banker. Like, "Deal or No Deal." Duncan Hunter will be our Howie Mandel.
Rachel: Ron Paul, staying on message: Live within our means, rethink our foreign policy.
Jason: CNN Chyron: RON PAUL HAS DELIVERED 4,000 BABIES.
Rachel: Oh, my God, that is the best Chyron ever.
Rachel: Oh, look, Tom Tancredo. CBS News is pretty sure he doesn't exist.. So far, Fred Thompson has by far the best tie.
John: I think Ron Paul looks very spiffy today.
Rachel: I agree. Ron Paul looks like he's showered since delivering those babies.
Rachel: But honestly, no one holds a candle to Mitt. He may employ illegal immigrants to keep his lawn looking fresh, but man is he handsome.
Glynnis: Handsome, like a Ken-doll, and about as life-like.
John: Mitt Romney: Keep smiling! Even when discussing giant trade deficits.
Rachel:Wow - they're keeping us in suspense here: Where is Huckabee? And as if on cue....
John: So Mr. Huckabee, newly crowned frontrunner appears... Huckabee is sporting a suit jacket that doesn't fit him and a tie that makes the camera go nuts.
Rachel: Well, he's not the FANCY candidate.
Rachel: McCain wants the return of the Manhattan Project?
Oh look, Keyes! "Cut off the spigot that funds the political ambition of our leaders." Because this guy is ALL about selfless, quiet service.
John: Keyes has lost weight. He and Huckabee might make a ticket!
Rachel: Besides, he needs to look appropriate to go to Wendy's for his post-debate meal - half-price for life!
Jason: QUESTION: what sacrifices would you ask Americans to make to lower the debt?
Jason: Rudy promises UNLIMITED DREAMS.
John: Yeah, an interesting answer to a question about sacrificing and hard choices. In ten years, this party is going to run all New Age prosperity hucksters. Kevin Trudeau, GOP 2016!
Jason: Ron Paul will bring the troops home! From Belgium!
Jason: Huckabee sounds like Michael Moore! Prevention based health care, not intervention-based.
John: Don't treat the snakebites, kill the snake. How southern can this man get?
Rachel: I know, GOP imagery always makes me vaguely uncomfortable.
Jason: QUESTION: Would you be willing to run a deficit to pay for programs? (to Romney)
Romney will find the anti-teen pregnancy programs that REALLY work. And eliminate those that don't.
Rachel: Romney thinks that we can afford everything, and everything else can go. And by the way, what's with all the teenage pregnancy? Kill the snake!
Jason: Tancredo is stammering, so...look for this to be a clip in his new campaign commercial.
Rachel: Ha!
John: Tancredo is Mr. Nasty Brutish and Short here.
Jason: Fred Thompson is taking on entitlement programs. He's going to get my dad's vote.
Rachel: That is his mantra. Promising to reshuffle a few things and "look into" stuff. I mean, sheesh.
Jason: QUESTION: Who is paying a fair share of taxes? The poor? The wealthy? Corporations?
John: Fred Thompson musters some energy for this answer. He's animated for a change. Alan Keyes' eyes look very heavy-lidded. He is energetic as usual with his answers, but he somehow still looks half-asleep.
Jason: McCain wants to reform the tax code, which basically means he wants to touch off the Folsom Street Fair of lobbyist orgies.
Romney doesn't stay up at night worrying about rich people!
Rachel: Moderator: "A little snappier gentlemen." Ooh-hoo!
John: Huckabee continues to defend the "Fair Tax" proudly and happily, despite the fact that tax experts of every political stripe have labeled it a misguided fraud.
Jason: Ron Paul is edging toward the Gold Standard.
Glynnis: Sorry guys, looks like the Iowa Public TV site that is streaming the debate has crashed! Who knew there were so many politically involved office workers!
Rachel: Very interesting....how could they underestimate that demand? How could any of these outlets have not figured out by now? In the MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON, no less!
John: Interesting back -and-forth between Fred and Mitt: Fred answers the tax question saying he wants to be in Mitt's tax situation, and gets a laugh. When Mitt says something about wanting Fred's life, Fred gets another laugh by saying Mitt's "getting to be a pretty good actor."
Jason: Giuliani holds up a piece of paper to demonstrate how simple taxes should be.
John: Rudy is still pretty low-energy here - articulate, but not commanding. Mild-mannered almost.
Jason: FREE STATEMENT: McCain. McCain wants to make America safe.
John: McCain just doesn't seem to have it in him anymore. He says great-sounding things, but his energy is just steady, not rousing. He is ready to do the job, but only if America asks him nicely.
Jason:FREE STATEMENT: Duncan Hunter: "I want people to remember that I am running for President."
Rachel: Er, well, better luck in 2012!
Jason: He will finish the border fence, and withdraw his son from Iraq.
Rachel: Alas, America is focused on Mike Huckabee, through the giddy eyes of the national media.
Jason: QUESTION: Exports. What's your plan to keep foreign markets open while keeping jobs at home?
Jason: QUESTION: Exports. What's your plan to keep foreign markets open while keeping jobs at home?
2:26 PM John: Ron Paul really is discussing the monetary system again.
Jason: Huckabee: "I can't part the Red Sea, but I can part the red tape."
John: In case you haven't imagined yet Mike Huckabee as a spiritual leader and potential savior, he's making it easy for you.
Jason: QUESTION: Some of our trading partners commit human rights abuses. Should we alter our trade policies accordingly?
Jason: McCain: "I am the biggest free marketer that you will ever see. I go to free markets in Iraq with Blackhawk helicopters."
QUESTION: What changes would you make to NAFTA?
Jason: Rudy: "I was against it before I was for it."
Rachel: How Romney-esque!
Jason:Rudy: "We are big dreamers" He really wants to sell us on "unlimited dreams."
Thompson: NAFTA is a long, complex document. Sure...who has the time to read things anymore?
John: Fred Thompson is looking more vigorous, more animated in this debate.
Jason: This is Fred's last stand.
John: He does have some old-man ticks going on though. He licks his lips conspicuously and not infrequently.
Rachel: Fine, but don't forget that he knocked up a hot-lookin' wife! 'Cause he'll remind you.
Jason: Is he doing the lip-licking? Because that is GROSS.
John: And when he shakes his head fast, his jowls quiver visibly.
Jason: FREE STATEMENT: Ron Paul
Paul: We need more freedom. We must restrain the government.
Rachel: Ooooooooooooon message!
John: Paul: eyebrows way up in alarm, frown on his mouth, ended his free statement on the word "crisis." Anyone for some fear? Anyone?
Jason: Free STATEMENT: Thompson
"I know the world we live in...craft services are disappearing...hot lesbian lawyers are getting fired. I can handle these crises."
John: Yeah, Thompson missed a chance to be Reaganesque. He went hard-nosed, not at all sunny, with this answer.
Jason: QUESTION: Raise your hand if you think global warming is a threat?
Rachel: She totally watched CBS News last night!
Rachel: Wow - an insurrection against hand-shows here! Fred Thompson fights back on a totally meaningless point! Wow. Gong show.
John: Fred asks for a minute to answer the global warming question, and the moderator declines to grant him a full minute... so he declines to answer, and gets applause for standing up to the nice lady.
Rachel: The "nice lady" is the editor of the Des Moines Register! Do none of these people recognize that?
Jason: Great answer McCain: "Like the space program, green tech is a road to great innovation."
Wow. The extent to which the GOP has totally turned around on the environment is astounding.
John: Mitt Romney is stressing that what is good for the environment is good for our economy - this is new for the GOP. It's vintage Al Gore.
Rachel: "Global warming not America warming!" Wow, how happy is CBS that they ran that question last night.
Jason: OMG, Rachel. You were TOTES prescient with the Keyes grandstanding.
Rachel: Sigh. I've had to sit through him before.
John: Keyes is ranting, asking who represents the voices that get ignored (no particular explanation offered).
Rachel: Oh, my God. I cannot stand Keyes. Who is he to pop in when there are cameras around to grandstand and preach and finger-wag? Of all the candidates — including Mike Gravel — he has given the very least to this campaign. You need to CARE a little bit more to earn a place up there.
Jason: Mike Gravel has contributed some of the best YouTubes available.
Jason: Huckabee: But it's cold in Iowa!
Huckabee: "I am willing for us to make the decisions that may or may not create the mandate." WHAT?
Rachel: Ow my head hurts.
Jason: Tom Tancredo doesn't believe in mandates. Or man-on-man dates.
John: Huckabee brings the evangelical environmental rhetoric - we are just stewards of this Earth.
Now Duncan Hunter is geeking out on energy technology.
Last time they were out-Tancredo-ing Tancredo, this time they are out-Goring Gore.
John: Well, except Tancredo himself, who just trusts the market. Unto death, apparently.
Jason: FREE STATEMENT: Tancredo
Tanc: "Blah blah immigration stammer catastrophe Teddy Roosevelt."
Jason:FREE STATEMENT: Huckabee.
Rachel: Huckabee in an unintentional zing at Clinton? People aren't electing a "ruling class, but a serving class."
Jason: Huck: "Our Founding Fathers hated elites."
Rachel: Mention humble beginnings: Drink.
John: Huck: elected officials are a serving class not a ruling class... represent the ordinary... little house I grew up in.. in awe of this country... try not to forget where I came from... Mom, apple pie, church, flags and a fluffy golden retriever running across the green lawn behind every white picket fence.
Jason: QUESTION: Education. What educational standards does the US need to adopt/improve, and what's the timetable?
Jason: McCain: we need more school choices, even if those choices are inferior. McCain praises Bloomberg!
John: Rudy goes on and on about school choice, but there is no fire there.
John: Well now: Duncan Hunter, anti-immigrant crusader, waxes rhapsodic about famous calculus teacher Jaime Escalante.
Jason: Duncan Hunter says something nice about a hispanic!
Rachel: Sounds like an immigrant. Tancredo must be twitching.
Jason: Hunter seems to think the answer is for people to bring retirees into the classroom to spread "inspiration." We flash back to John's point about the New Agey drift to the GOP platform.
Huckabee: Education is a state issue. Cue an examination of Arkansas' public schools under Huckabee!
Rachel: Huckabee: "Unleash weapons of mass instruction." OUR ENTIRE OFFICE JUST GROANED.
John: Huckabee is flexing on education. Empathizing with kids who drop out because they are bored, making it feel personal.
Jason: Huckabee wants a 21st century education...with CREATION SCIENCE, presumably... OMG KEYES SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.
Rachel: WOW. Alan Keyes is taking on the moderator! Complaining that everyone else got more time than him. WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU IDIOT! He is unbelievable.
John: Alan Keyes is taking all his time bitching that he has no time. Clever.
Rachel: And now he's talking about being endowed by our Creator and pushing God out of our schools. This guy is UNREAL.
I want the moderator to grow a pair, though. They are pushing her around, and it's damn rude. Um, Keyes? This is MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS.
Jason: What has he been smoking?:
John: Okay, according to Keyes, the problem with our schools and culture is God has been driven out. I think Huckabee snuck Keyes in here to make Huckabee look secular and reasonable.
Rachel: Meanwhile, he was TOTALLY waiting for the applause after that. AND NONE CAME.
Jason: Ron Paul: I will destroy the Dept. of Education. His positions have literally not changed from the original set of bumper stickers they were printed on.
By changed, I mean expanded upon.
John: Fred Thompson calls out the NEA (largest teachers' union) as the #1 obstacle to good education in the US of A.
He takes the line that school choice is a question of fairness to the poor, as the rich already have choices.
Jason: A SIDE NOTE: We're coming up on the hour mark. NO IRAQ.
John: Apparently we are no longer a nation at war.
Jason: What about the War on Christmas?
Rachel: Aha, Huckabee in the bully pulpit now - "Communicator in Chief"
John: Romney takes credit for the great education outcomes in Massachusetts, saying something about Republican principles. Massachusetts does have public school choice, instituted before he showed up.
John: Romney takes on Huckabee - "not the finest record of any governor on education"- here we go!
Jason: Romney just whipped it out (gubernatorial records on education) on Huckabee.
John: Or maybe not. Moving on...
Jason: QUESTION: What do you believe you can accomplish in your first year in office?
Jason: Rudy: End terrorism! End immigration! And, by end, I mean...start on ending. He will accomplish ENERGY INDEPENDENCE in one year?
John: That's a lot of new coal plants.
Jason: Duncan Hunter disses the NIE.
Rachel: Huckabee will do that tomorrow after someone tells him what it is.
Jason: Ron Paul: End the war, bring the troops home. But he regretfully admits that he'd have to work with the dirty Congress.
John: Ron Paul finally reminds us about that whole war thing: in his first year, he would bring our troops home (remember them?), and restore our credibility around the world.
Jason: The Tanc: would free that guy who's been detained in that Laredo fooferaw. IN FIVE MINUTES. So, on his way back from the swearing in.
Thompson: Would spend the year telling people things.
John: Establish his credibility, apparently. Tell the truth. Huh?
Jason: Romney snaps at Thompson: "I want to do a lot more than talk my first year."
Romney will make all of our families stronger in one year.
John: We will have stronger values with stronger families after Romney's first year in office.
Rachel: Strong strong strong!
John: Huckabee plays the "heal political divisions" card - we must be "a united people of the United States."
Jason: Huckabee: Polarized equals paralyzed.
John: Huckabee is running as George W. Bush in 2000 - a uniter not a divider - only this time I mean it!
Jason: John McCain seems tired! A Red Bull would "give him wings!"
Alan Keyes is the "Greenzo" of the Republican Party.
John: Oh! Those are the voiceless people Alan Keyes was talking about - the ones stuck in the womb!
Rachel: That is an insult to Greenzo.
Jason: He really loves the sound of his own voice.
Jason: FREE STATEMENT: Romney
"Oh hai Iowa! I am up in ur homes enjoying ur valuez! KTHXBAI!"
John: [Translation from LOLCAT: People are nice here, makes me feel good about America. I know a lot about a lot of things.]
Jason: FREE STATEMENT: Keyes
Jason: Keyes: LOOK WHO GOT A WEBSITE!
Keyes free statement was his least verbose one.
John: Is Keyes even on the ballot? I guess you don't need one for caucuses, just a few crazies in a corner.
Jason: FREE STATEMENT: Giuliani.
Giuliani wants to be an "optimistic leader." For those Unlimited Dreams.
John: Talks about the need for an optimistic leader, but he hasn't smiled all debate long. What's up with our former frontrunner?
Jason: Where did the laughter go, Rudy?
Now we have the Iowa version of an Eisenstein montage.
Jason: QUESTION: Character and leadership. To Rudy, Will you provide information on the hidden accounts you use to provide for your mistresses?
Rachel: Giuliani White House "open with information for the public" - his government was SO transparent that everyone knew everything he was doing as he did it! Especially Donna Hanover!
John: Yeah, I guess if you get busted with a lot of mistresses, you at least get to brag about how transparent you are.
Jason: He is actually attempting to make hiding costs on obscure line items out to be transparency.
Rachel: Keyes. Sheesh. He has a campaign? Nice little joke from Romney.
Jason: Alan Keyes: Have you heard about these things called PHONES! We should use them more!
Jason: Rudy is happy losing Alan Keyes' vote.
Jason: Now more videos.
John: Oh my God. McCain looks awful on his video. Is he okay?
He looks so beleaguered. This man needs a vacation.
Jason: QUESTION: Huckabee, two examples in health care and eductaion in which yourr faith will drive policy...
Rachel: Huckabee: "Treat others as you wish to be treated." Okay then, Huckabee, rape victims will ignore imploring letters from you, too!
Jason: What a complicated question? All those caveats. Huckabee is mistaking platitudes for policies. Of course, that hardly makes him unique.
Jason: QUESTION: To Romney: Fiscal conservative or social conservative?
Both! And neither! Reagan!
John: Romney invokes Reagan, but Reagan didn't chuckle at his own jokes when no one else does.
Hunter: (same question) Agrees with Romney...except we shouldn't send technology to our adversaries! Romney does business with China, Saddam, the Taliban. Wow: Hunter finally attacks somebody!
John: Hunter takes a shot at Romney: somewhere in Bain Capital's sprawling investment portfolio is a company that teamed up with the bad guys in China, and to Hunter technology transfer is suddenly the main national security threat we face.
Jason: More videos.
John: Fred does his video with an open collar, no tie - looks a little younger, energetic.
Jason: QUESTION: To Tancredo: Are you ready to lead our foreign policy?
Tancredo: We cannot leave Iraq, we are committed there and will be for a long time.
Jason: Tanc: we will never leave Iraq, but we can stop being the police force. O....kay.
John: We could just hang out, maybe get a tan.
Jason: QUESTION: To Ron Paul: How would you adjust your plan to the reality that no one in Congress will agree with you on anything?
Paul: High-minded blah-blah that doesn't answer the question.
Jason: QUESTION: McCain: Can you think of a time where you compromised to get something done?
McCain says he's never backed away from his maverick stance to compromise. Then he talks about how he's reached across the aisle to do just that.
Jason: QUESTION: New Years Resolutions for the others?
Rachel: New Years' Resolution for Alan Keyes: TAPE MOUTH SHUT.
Jason: McCain: Let's not be mean to each other!
Huckabee: Everyone watch your mouths.
Romney: Be it resolved that we won't support any Democrats for President.
John: Tancredo takes a shot at Huckabee for flip-flopping on immigration.That's a new years' resolution?
Rachel: Good lord, I have to ask: Would they EVER be that rude to a male moderator? Seriously.
Jason: Rudy's back with the optimism!
John: And still no smile.
Rachel: I have NEVER been so thrilled to see a debate end. Never ever ever.
Jason: Wow. That's it? NOTHING SUBSTANTIVE ON IRAQ?
I am astounded.
John: No, no: Pack leaders Tom Tancredo and Ron Paul both talked about Iraq. One said we were there forever, the other we're out tomorrow.
Rachel: But yes - nothing on Iraq - my God.
Jason: But no direct questions on Iraq!
3:26 PM John: It is kind of a downer.
3:27 PM Jason: After the economy, it's the issue of most importance to Americans.
Rachel: Wow.
Now let's see what Chris Matthews and Joe Scarborough have to say... And other commentators on other networks.
Rachel: Chris Matthews makes a good point: Huckabee was largely insulated by the format -- no one could go after him for (a) "Mormons think Jesus and Satan are brothers" (b) Not knowing about the NIE report (c) Really, really really liking gifts (d) AIDS and (e) Pushing to parole a rapist over the protestations of his victims that he would rape and kill again, whereupon he raped and killed again.
John: Yes, not a lot of back and forth here. Romney looked like he was about to take a serious swipe, but didn't follow it up.
And when one candidate mentioned the other, the moderator did not ask for a response, nor did the victim press the issue.
John: Fred Thompson came off as more lively and more engaging than he has in the past. He is mostly being ignored at this point, but he showed today some of the skills that could have made him a contender. Duncan Hunter answered several questions without referring to the military and may have smiled in a less than entirely creepy way a time or two. Rudy remained pretty muted, the sunniness gone. McCain still looks worn-down. Mitt still smiles nice and big no matter what he's talking about. Tancredo and Ron Paul were true to form, nothing much new here. Ditto Alan Keyes, nice to see he's still unmedicated. Huckabee got his couple of warm moments and got out of this mostly boring affair almost completely unscathed.