The Guide to the Conservative Palinguage Vol.2 -- the People's Edition

This is the Vol. 2 of The Guide to the Conservative Palinguage. I'm calling this one the People's Edition because you, the people, have obviously been taking AP courses in talking Conservative. I've been slammed with responses. Enough that I can promise you there will be future volumes. Along with some of mine, I've mixed in a few of yours for everybody's linguistic pleasure.

Before we start, I'd like to note that I intimated in Vol. 1 that English is a Latin based language. Hondorf was among a few others who pointed out that English is "primarily German based, yes, but it is really a hybrid of Germanic and Romantic languages . . . by the way, I am a redneck."

Clearly, none of us should judge a neck by its color.

A reminder, we're collecting Palinisms here, and over at That Minority Thing.com. If you've got 'em, send 'em.

Ready? Let's begin!

If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you're a "phoney." Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you're "well loved."

SoyAA says: If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you." If you're white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you're "one of us."

If you give your wife a dap on stage, it's actually a "terrorist fist jab." If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child's hair on national TV it's an "adorable moment." (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).

DTD SAYS: If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you're an "extremist." If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, you're a "fundamentalist."

If you're a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you're "uppity." If you're a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more schools over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).

SeanOcali says: If you're 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant "life happens." If you're 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you're a "registered sex offender."

If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," it's just "empty rhetoric." If one week before your party's national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," that's "red meat."

And your last lesson for the day:

If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if you're female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial, multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you're a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or atheist -- "Yes, we can!"

If you're a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, "Yup, yup!"

ThatMinorityThing.com

Comments

[votingthistime]

01:32 PM on 09/07/2008

Your observations are quite accurate and very well-written. At this website, however, you are no doubt preaching to the choir. I wish views such as you have expressed could be presented to those independent and swing voters needed by Sen Obama to ensure his election. Other writers/bloggers at the Huffington Post, Rob Stein for example, say the Democrats in general seek to persuade with intellectual argument while the Republicans go for the emotions, the "gut", if you will. I argue that the two are not mutually exclusive. It wouldn't hurt the Obama campaign to borrow a page or two from the Republican playbook, responding in kind without sinking to their level. David Gergen, recently seen on CNN, also had some useful suggestions for the Obama campaign in terms of making their message sharper and more concise. Later the same day, when listening to Sen. Obama discuss the latest unemployment numbers, I saw what Gergen was talking about. Everything Sen. Obama was saying was correct, his criticisms of Sen McCain and the Republicans were pretty much undeniable, but his delivery lacked something one could readily sink one's teeth into. You can make your message simple and easily digestible without sacrificing substance. By the way, it took the reading of several pages of comments to realize that you are the guy I used to see on Morning Joe but haven't seen lately. I have high hopes for the new Rachel Maddow Show. Perhaps we'll see you there.

[Kane]

09:41 AM on 09/07/2008

If you're a democrat, the 19 months of media attention is a vetting process.
If you're a republican, the 3 days of media attention is a frenzy.

[Kane]

09:35 AM on 09/07/2008

If you're a democrat, and you don't talk to the media, you must be hiding something.
If you're a republican, and you don't talk to the media, you're taking your message to the people.

[Kane]

09:32 AM on 09/07/2008

If you’re a republican, all of your errors and misjudgments are for history to decide.
If you’re a democrat, all of your errors and misjudgments are for voters to decide.

If you're a democrat, and you envision peace throughout the Middle East, your commitment to Israel is questioned.
If you're a republican, and you envision the complete destruction of Israel as a means of bringing the return of Jesus, you're considered a trusted friend of Israel.

If you’re a democrat, the media considers your drinking orange juice “weird”.
If you’re a republican, the media considers your eating moose “fascinating”.

[robXdion]

08:38 AM on 09/07/2008

And yet prior to you writing this blog John, anything resembling these same observations would have been DELETED from HuffPost.

I should know. I wrote some of the same things during the primary. Keep it up.

[pjburns11]

02:32 AM on 09/07/2008

If you are a Democrat woman, you are of a party that historically has actively pursued the progress of women in politics and society.

If you are a Republican woman, you are of a party that historically has tolerated women because they are often pretty, can refill brandy glasses, and are helpful in the creating of acceptable progeny.

[munichic]

02:23 AM on 09/07/2008

If you give a great speech in front of tens of thousands of adoring voters they make fun of the columns in the background. If you give a speech in front of a few thousand voters with a picture of a middle school behind you because the incompetent people you hired thought it was Walter Reed hospital you're given a pass in the msm.

Such losers!!!

[eileen]

09:25 PM on 09/06/2008

Has anyone mentioned the irony in the fact that in the last 14 years the Christian extremists became "the base" of the Republican Party and that Al Queda means "the base" for the Muslim extremists?

I find it a fascinating development.

[californiademo]

07:26 PM on 09/06/2008

I agree with the author that it has been eerily easy to grant Palin "star status." Still, I don't believe Democrats need worry much -- probably in a few weeks the polls will show only that the conventions have done what they are supposed to do for the party faithful. Democrats should continue to criticize Sarah Palin robustly, although not on personal matters. Her views on abortion and the environment are outside the mainstream, and there's no reason to give her a free pass. Neither should her inexperience be granted an exemption: anyone who thinks Republicans won't continue to use the "inexperience" argument against Obama (i.e. that the choice of Palin has somehow taken the issue off the table) is wrong. It doesn't matter to the right-wingers whether the argument is fair; the only issue is whether or not it works for them politically. (Recall their 2004 branding of decorated vet John Kerry as a liar and perhaps even a coward.) They will continue to claim that Obama is too much of a neophyte to serve as president, regardless of the fact that their v.p. candidate is even less experienced in national politics. Palin is not making herself available for direct interviews in which she might be asked some tough questions about her beliefs and preparedness, and Democrats should call upon her to do so.

[Puller58]

06:49 PM on 09/06/2008

Her reception shows the GOP is firmly in the grip of the "agents of intolerance." Guess McCain kissed and made up with them.

[ladychicago]

06:44 PM on 09/06/2008

I LOVE IT

Please, Do it again!

[Unrepentantliberal]

06:07 PM on 09/06/2008

After only one speech she didn't even write herself and Sarah Palin has become quite a celebrity hasn't she? Now it's a two celebrity ticket.

[Dustee]

12:52 AM on 09/07/2008

So could that two celebrity ticket be 'Paris Hilton' and 'Britney Spears'?

[Timaaa]

06:00 PM on 09/06/2008

Governor Palinguage? Did you mean mayor of Alaska

[Blain]

05:46 PM on 09/06/2008

John has obviously struck a cord with this. It's written with great levity but it's all painfully true. I have a little 4 year old that has to grow up in this world and I pray that things will drastically change for her sake. I would like to see John have his own show on FOX like Glenn Beck is given 2-3 hours a day on CNN Headline news.

[citadelgrrl05]

05:41 PM on 09/06/2008

John you are so right about all this...This election, for better or worse, depending who you ask will really expose america for what she really is and i hope that in the end it shows that we are a nation that can see pass a person's race and elect a man that is a true agent of change..that is obama. 60more days and america will render its judgement and therest of the world will be watching which path we choose.