The People's Guide to the Conservative Palinguage Vol. 3: Market Meltdown Edition!
With the massive financial sector meltdown going on, the stock market tumbling and those women from The View picking your bones, it's hard to keep straight why lipstick on a pig is bad and lipstick on a pitbull is good. So I'm back with another new Guide to the Conservative Palinguage. In honor of the biggest one day market drop since 2001, we're focusing this week mostly -- but not exclusively -- on the economy. Feel free to laugh all you want because the fundamentals of our economy are strong, so we have nothing to fear but fear itself!
Thanks to everyone who offered up their Palinisms. You can find Vols 1 & 2 over at That Minority Thing.
Crutnacker says: If you supported a war that is costing $2.4 billion a day, you're a patriot who wants smaller government. If you oppose the war, you're a defeatist who wants big government.
Leftcoastliberal Says: Democrats who balance the budget and lower unemployment are tax and spend liberals. Republicans who run record deficits and crash the housing market are fiscally responsible.
Cameron says: If you chant 'Drill, Baby, Drill" you are positing an effective and responsible energy plan, science and logic be damned. If you chant "Yes, We Can" you are a mindless automaton.
David says: If you're a Democrat and you prefer wine over beer, you are an "elitist." If you're a Republican and you prefer a beer heiress over your first wife, you are a "committed family man."
Jimbo says: When you waste a million dollars on just one tomahawk missile you are seeking to SAVE American lives. When you want to utilize a million dollars for stem cell research you are seeking to DESTROY the American way of Life.
Kane says: If you're a Republican, all of your errors and misjudgments are for history to decide. If you're a Democrat, all of your errors and misjudgments are for voters to decide.
Judy says: If you're a Democrat who has been in the Senate for two years, you are a Washington insider who will only give us more of the same. If you're a Republican who has been in the Senate for 26 years, you are a Washington outsider and the candidate for change.
Susan says: If you're a Democrat and promise to cut the taxes of 95% of all Americans, you're raising taxes. If you're a Republican (in a state with no state income tax and no state sales tax) and give a $1,200 rebate from oil income to all taxpayers, you're cutting taxes.
Tanya says: If you are a black you are only voting for Obama because he is black too. If you are white and voting for Obama it is because you have white guilt. If you are not voting for Obama you are patriotic and a proud American.
David says: If you are Sarah Palin, you have no idea what the Bush Doctrine is. If you are an Iraqi, you know exactly what the Bush Doctrine is.
Bhutan says: Jesus was a community organizer. Pontius Pilot was a Governor.
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If you believe strongly in a woman's right to choose and feel that this right allows for intervention, education, and safe medical practice, you are an angry liberal feminist. If you believe that women are birthing machines who must carry the child of any man, keep your mouth shut about it, and smile for the camera, you are a compassionate conservative.
Re: Judy says: If you're a Democrat who has been in the Senate for two years, you are a Washington insider who will only give us more of the same. If you're a Republican who has been in the Senate for 26 years, you are a Washington outsider and the candidate for change.
I suggest you amend the "Washington outsider" portion to read "an Original Maverick."
For those not living in swing states drowning in 25 or so campaign commercials per hour, McPalin still runs an ad declaring BOTH McCain and Palin as "the Original Mavericks" who will make history and change Washington. It even STILL claims that Palin stopped the Bridge to Nowhere - even though contrary evidence is ancient news.
Anyway, If you ever paln to publish these in any form (other than a blog), I think that would sound better:
Judy says: If you're a Democrat who has been in the Senate for two years, you are a Washington insider who will only give us more of the same. If you're a Republican who has been in the Senate for 26 years, you are a[n Original Maverick] and the candidate for change
If you are a democrat and try to establish age-appropriate sex ed for children to help prevent molestation you are a leering predator. If you are the governor of a state with the highest rape-rate in the country and try and deny due process to victims and watch your own teenager get pregnant because of a lack of sex ed, you are a good republican.
Pontius Pilot??? Did you perhaps mean Pontius Pilate?
How could we handle "McCain is not Abel"?
Pontius' last name is Pilate, not Pilot as in the captain of a plane.
We all knew that before Mr. spellchekr came along.
Iy yuse a spel chekr, it wurks grate!
If you a part of the Keating Five scandal and swindled thousands of people out of their money and are formally reprimand for "exercising poor judgment "you are John McCain.
If you try and blame Obama for "exercising poor judgment" and contributing to the Wall Street crisis for not rushing into a hasty decision and just throwing out any old plan to try to clean it up like you did and selecting Sarah Palin you are still John McCain.
This has all the trappings of "...you might be a Redneck"
The elitist label is as disingenous as everything else McSame has been saying lately. I do clearly remember when a Black man who aspired to anything but the most humble positions in society was called "uppity." Now, I guess, the acceptable label is "elitist."
Know what? I sincerely want a president who I can respect as better than me. I want more honorable, more thoughtful, more controlled, more confident, more successful and more open to new ideas than I can manage. If that is elitist, that is exactly what I am voting for. The size, shape, religion, wealth, color, sex, or hairiness of the candidate does not matter a whit . What matters is whether they could be a good president , EVEN FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH THEM.
I do not get a sense from the Republicans that they could manage that last part. Pretty well proved that over the past few years, haven't they...
I don't need all that "better than me stuff" but I would like a president that scored higher than me on the SATs at least. But after 8 years of this idiot, "smarter than a box of rocks" would be an improvement.
If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.
If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, left your ill wife, and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
YES!!!! I Love This!!!
If you spend 3 years as a community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, help register 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, 8 years as a State Senator of a district of 750,000 people, chair the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people, sponsor 131 bill s, and serve o n the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works, and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.
If your resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city
council and 6 years as the mayor of a town of 7,000 people, 2 years as governor of a state of 650,000 people, you're qualified to be a heartbeat away from the presidency.
Good argument that we often hear, but thank you. Where are John McCain's medical records? What about his melanoma diagnosis some years ago? Common medical knowledge says that melanoma patients face a great risk of recurrence.
Just a heartbeat away! God help us all!
If your pastor is an over the top, old ex Marine, 60s radical, you must renounce, denounce, and reject him. If someone asks about the pastor whomyou claim has prayed you into the Alaska Governor's House and got his start casting out a fortune teller in a small village for her heretical sorcery, it's a witchhunt.
If you broke the law by getting a DUI 22 years ago and you're republican, it's "old news".
If you worked in your community 25 years ago helping those who needed help and you're Democrat, you need to give the name, current address, telephone number, and names of grandparents, parents, siblings and children of everyone you've ever come across and have them testify that you did, indeed, help them and they must be prepared to list every single thing you've ever done for them.
"David says: If you are Sarah Palin, you have no idea what the Bush Doctrine is. If you are an Iraqi, you know exactly what the Bush Doctrine is."
An Obama oriented 527 ad waiting to be made.
All of these are absolutely great! Thank you!
OBAMA/BIDEN 08 AND 12!
If you are a Democrat raised in Hawaii, living in Chicago and educating yourself to better your life, you are an elitist. If you are an ex-Democrat millionaire who is now McCain supporter, married to a Sir Rothschild and regularly traveling between NYC and London, you are a champion of the common man.
"common man" - Mighty polite of you to help Lady de Rothschild clean up her rhetoric. Pretty sure she referred to them as "rednecks.
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