01/19/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The U.S. Goes Global With its Anti-Gayness

Funny thing about this great land of ours. She's got no problem
fighting for what's right (Civil War), but she doesn't always make the
simple stand for righteousness (Civil Rights movement).

This past Thursday the United Nations, which excels at issuing
proclamations, circulated one that is as marginally effectual as it is
symbolically strong. It was just a little ole declaration seeking
universal decriminalization of homosexuality.

Wasn't saying Gays could get married.

Wasn't saying Gays could show up at your house and read your kids
Heather Has Two Mommies.

It was just saying, you know: "Hey, Iran, when you're done with that
show trial, could you possibly not hang those two guys who engaged in
a love whose name you dare not speak."

And if you think I'm being hyperbolic, UN High Commissioner for Human
Rights Navi Pillay notes that ten countries still have laws making
homosexual activity punishable by death.

But the U.S. did not sign the declaration.

You'd think in a country where presidential aspirants do song parodies
about introducing rogue nations to the wonders of thermal nuclear
diplomacy, the U.S. would have no trouble putting its John Hancock on
something that would mock the backward nature of those "funny" little
nations that aren't as forward thinking as we are.

Problem is, we'd be mocking ourselves.

The word is, as innocuous as the U.N. declaration was, it could turn
into a sharp-toothed boomerang that, when set free, would whip around
and bite Uncle Sam in the backside. See, in America it is not against
the law to be gay. We just use the law to deny gays equal rights; the
right to marry, the right to serve openly in the military... In some
states the right to work and the right to fair housing.

So, really, it's not that American officials wouldn't sign the
declaration, they couldn't for fear of overloading on hypocrisy and
giving Gays an instrument to use in court cases.

But we weren't the only ones to abstain. Sure, a couple of small time
left-leaning countries threw in with the U.N. Japan, Australia,
Mexico. The entire EU.

But we stood strong with our buddies from the Organization of the
Islamic Conference which issued a bewildering SAG-type declaration of
their own against "the social normalization and possibly the
legalization of deplorable acts" like pedophilia and incest. Sure.
Along with dream stealing, alchemy and a bunch of other stuff homosexuals don't actually engage in either.

Hey, sorry to sell you short, Gays. Not our fault you don't have
access to rich oil finds.

But, though your government has let you down, Citizen of Democracy, it
hasn't abandoned you. She stands ready at a moment's notice to nuke
Iran for being the least bit belligerent.

And that, not signing declarations, is the morally responsible thing
to do.

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