John Fountain and his newborn son sleeping at home 13 years ago.
A letter to my 13-year-old son
Dear son, don't believe the lie: Big boys do cry.
Except, there are unwritten rules to this "crying game" as a member of the male human species. The rules can be confusing--like this whole business of growing from boy into man in this journey that you--that we--have just begun.
You see, while some may interpret your tears merely as an expression of emotion or caring, many of your male peers will see your tears as weakness--as an invitation for teasing, sometimes even bullying. They can be merciless.
Son, the sad reality is that for many of us men, tearless eyes form the mask we sometimes wear to protect ourselves, to ward off enemies. It is unfortunately a curse of masculinity in a world where too often men are measured by "toughness," by physical strength and force, by our ability to take the pain and keep it moving, to not cry.
Even if laid out on a football field on a stretcher, they'll say, "Raise an arm and flash a thumbs-up."
"What a stud," they'll say. "What a man."
Except the true measure of a man is the size of your heart, your good name, integrity and character.
And yet, to shed tears in public, especially when emotionally wounded or even deeply moved, can sometimes be like inviting sharks to blood-infested waters.
I wish it were not this way. But this is one of the walls we must fortify as you move toward manhood--sealing the ducts of your boyhood tears.
What I'm saying is: Son, you cannot cry at the drop of a dime. Cannot shed tears every time someone hurts your feelings or you lose a game. You cannot pout.
You can no longer put on that cute, sad face with crocodile tears swelling in your brown eyes that makes your mama come running.
That will only make the fellas ridicule you. Respect you less. See you as being "weak." Make you a potential target.
Son, you must learn to sometimes suck it up. Push past the pain, hold back the tears, at least until you have gotten to a "safe" place to cry: At home. Behind closed doors. Away from public view and potential ridicule.
It's crazy, I know. Even as I write, I am saddened about this whole matter, moved almost to tears that this is your burden to bear. I am aware that this talk was not one that I had to give to your sister, aware that crying is only human.
And yet, I also know firsthand the potential repercussions for a boy, for a man, perceived to be too quick to cry.
Still, I can't help but wonder if the "inability" to cry does not fuel the statistics of black men consumed by alcoholism, drugs and prison; whether a kind of emotional numbness does not lead so many of us down a one-way path to self-destruction, to a silent hemorrhaging of the soul; or whether tearless little boys in a world so littered with heartache and pain don't grow up to be murderous, zombie-like creatures, so heartless, so cold.
So what am I saying, son?
That sometimes, you will cry. That you must cry. For tears are connected to the soul.
I cried when you were born.
Sometimes, the tears swell in your eyes, overtake you and overflow. And that's not a sign of weakness, son, but a sign of wellness--a sign that you're only a man.
Email: Author@johnwfountain.com
Website: http://www.johnwfountain.com
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.