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New And Improved! The U.S. Corporate Charter

09/30/2011 03:48 pm ET | Updated Nov 30, 2011
  • Johnny McNulty Staff writer at HappyPlace.com and Someecards.com, Comedian, UCB improviser, freelance contributor for 'The Onion' and SNL's Weekend Update

When this country began, the "People" in "We the People" referred only to property-owning white males. As time went on, we eventually extended that to non-wealthy white males, then all males who could pass racist voter tests, then women who could pass racist voter tests, and finally anyone who isn't declared invalid by racist voter registration boards.

Throughout that glorious march of progress we never felt the need to change the words of our Constitution, because the truth was the Founders set down a much better document than they had any intention of living out. Granted, except for that whole three-fifths part, but now we cross that out so that no one will ever know.

Until, of course, Citizens United vs. Federal Elections Committee. Now corporations are citizens, and we all know they are much, much better citizens than mere people. Our new Corporate-American brethren have demanded a new Constitution by the end of the week, and Congress (ever responsive to the needs of their best citizens) turned it around in less than a day.

So here it is, ladies and gentlemen: A better Constitution for our new, better citizens.

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