THE BLOG
08/26/2015 01:08 pm ET | Updated Aug 24, 2016

How to Take Your Infant for a Stroll (in 70 Easy Steps)

Timothy Chai via Getty Images

  1. Get brilliant idea to take a stroller walk
  2. Hoist 20-pound wiggly baby up two flights of stairs to change its diaper and clothes
  3. Wrestle with wiggly baby for several minutes to do so
  4. Particularly struggle with pants
  5. Decide that babies look cuter with no pants
  6. Lure baby into playing with a toy that can safely occupy him for 30 seconds
  7. Run into your closet to remove your dirty pajamas
  8. Run back into baby's room to make sure he's still alive
  9. Run into your bathroom and put toothpaste on toothbrush
  10. While brushing teeth, run back into baby's room to make sure he's still alive
  11. Run into your bathroom and hastily rinse mouth
  12. Run back into baby's room naked while carrying your clothes
  13. Thank God he's still alive
  14. Be sloppy about leaving boobs out for too long so baby gets bright idea to nurse again
  15. Hold baby on lap and nurse
  16. Remain patient while baby gets wildly distracted by his own hand
  17. Remain patient while baby gets wildly distracted by your neck skin
  18. Lose all patience but totally hide it while baby yanks out the only three hairs that are not secured by your ponytail
  19. Feel boobs and determine you're finished nursing
  20. Finish dressing yourself
  21. Stop baby from sticking his hand into expensive diaper pail
  22. Stop baby from putting his mouth on electrical outlet
  23. Heave wiggly baby down two flights of stairs and deliberate about where to safely place him while you prepare stroller
  24. Consider the bouncer
  25. Feel society-induced pressure about owning a bouncer
  26. Consider the playpen
  27. Feel society-induced pressure about owning a playpen
  28. Wonder if it's less awful if called a play yard
  29. Decide yes and place baby in play yard
  30. Run outside down more stairs to garage
  31. Remove stroller from car hatchback and unfurl it
  32. Realize you have to pee
  33. Run inside to play yard to make sure baby is still alive
  34. Pee
  35. Run back to play yard to make sure baby is still alive
  36. Run to porch and lace up running shoes
  37. Run back to play yard to make sure baby is still alive
  38. Begin removing baby from play yard
  39. Realize baby has never been this happy in play yard and debate leaving him in there while you have a glass of wine
  40. Remember stroller is unfurled in open garage
  41. Feel worried someone might steal stroller
  42. Extract wiggly baby from play yard despite his crying protest
  43. Distract him with silly voices
  44. Wrangle wiggly baby downstairs to garage
  45. Curse the decision to buy a multistory house
  46. Coerce baby into stroller harness while he fusses
  47. Make more silly voices
  48. Remember you forgot sunscreen
  49. Consider going without sunscreen
  50. Feel guilt
  51. Run inside and unearth sunscreen
  52. Run outside to make sure baby hasn't been kidnapped
  53. Rub sunscreen on bits of baby that any ray of sun might possibly touch
  54. More crying
  55. More silly voices
  56. Tie your shoes
  57. Run upstairs to lock the front door
  58. Run back down
  59. Start to stroll down the street
  60. Remember you forgot teething toy
  61. Stroll back home
  62. Run inside and unearth teething toy
  63. Run outside to make sure baby hasn't been kidnapped
  64. Give teething toy to baby
  65. Run upstairs to lock the front door
  66. Run back down
  67. Finally stroll down the street for reals
  68. Calculate that if you hurry, you can get back in time for baby to nap in crib while you get a much needed nap yourself
  69. Feel extremely bolstered and motivated by this thought
  70. Notice baby is asleep by the end of the block