- Get brilliant idea to take a stroller walk
- Hoist 20-pound wiggly baby up two flights of stairs to change its diaper and clothes
- Wrestle with wiggly baby for several minutes to do so
- Particularly struggle with pants
- Decide that babies look cuter with no pants
- Lure baby into playing with a toy that can safely occupy him for 30 seconds
- Run into your closet to remove your dirty pajamas
- Run back into baby's room to make sure he's still alive
- Run into your bathroom and put toothpaste on toothbrush
- While brushing teeth, run back into baby's room to make sure he's still alive
- Run into your bathroom and hastily rinse mouth
- Run back into baby's room naked while carrying your clothes
- Thank God he's still alive
- Be sloppy about leaving boobs out for too long so baby gets bright idea to nurse again
- Hold baby on lap and nurse
- Remain patient while baby gets wildly distracted by his own hand
- Remain patient while baby gets wildly distracted by your neck skin
- Lose all patience but totally hide it while baby yanks out the only three hairs that are not secured by your ponytail
- Feel boobs and determine you're finished nursing
- Finish dressing yourself
- Stop baby from sticking his hand into expensive diaper pail
- Stop baby from putting his mouth on electrical outlet
- Heave wiggly baby down two flights of stairs and deliberate about where to safely place him while you prepare stroller
- Consider the bouncer
- Feel society-induced pressure about owning a bouncer
- Consider the playpen
- Feel society-induced pressure about owning a playpen
- Wonder if it's less awful if called a play yard
- Decide yes and place baby in play yard
- Run outside down more stairs to garage
- Remove stroller from car hatchback and unfurl it
- Realize you have to pee
- Run inside to play yard to make sure baby is still alive
- Pee
- Run back to play yard to make sure baby is still alive
- Run to porch and lace up running shoes
- Run back to play yard to make sure baby is still alive
- Begin removing baby from play yard
- Realize baby has never been this happy in play yard and debate leaving him in there while you have a glass of wine
- Remember stroller is unfurled in open garage
- Feel worried someone might steal stroller
- Extract wiggly baby from play yard despite his crying protest
- Distract him with silly voices
- Wrangle wiggly baby downstairs to garage
- Curse the decision to buy a multistory house
- Coerce baby into stroller harness while he fusses
- Make more silly voices
- Remember you forgot sunscreen
- Consider going without sunscreen
- Feel guilt
- Run inside and unearth sunscreen
- Run outside to make sure baby hasn't been kidnapped
- Rub sunscreen on bits of baby that any ray of sun might possibly touch
- More crying
- More silly voices
- Tie your shoes
- Run upstairs to lock the front door
- Run back down
- Start to stroll down the street
- Remember you forgot teething toy
- Stroll back home
- Run inside and unearth teething toy
- Run outside to make sure baby hasn't been kidnapped
- Give teething toy to baby
- Run upstairs to lock the front door
- Run back down
- Finally stroll down the street for reals
- Calculate that if you hurry, you can get back in time for baby to nap in crib while you get a much needed nap yourself
- Feel extremely bolstered and motivated by this thought
- Notice baby is asleep by the end of the block
How to Take Your Infant for a Stroll (in 70 Easy Steps)
Get brilliant idea to take a stroller walk. Hoist 20-pound wiggly baby up two flights of stairs to change its diaper and clothes. Wrestle with wiggly baby for several minutes to do so. Particularly struggle with pants.
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