Here are the results of last night's real slubberknocker between Father John Misty's beard taking on Ray LaMontagne's facial broom. Here's a transcript of the color commentary, which was provided by Peter Gallagher's eyebrows and Michael Stipe's Grizzly Adams fuzz.
PGE: It's pandemonium at the Staples Center as we're just about ready for our main event.
MSB: I tell you this has been an epic battle in the making ever since Father John Misty and his beard left Fleet Foxes back in 2008, and almost instantly, trash talked Ray LaMontagne for his erratic follicle behavior.
PGE: This battle has turned ugly. After years of ignoring his open challenges, LaMontagne's beard AKA "Wild Horses" finally accepted the challenge from Misty's beard AKA "Sally Hatchet" following an altercation at the December 19, 2015 Eight Nights of Chaka Khan Pay-Per-View. This epic battle, months, no years, in the making is now finally happening though it feels a bit like David vs. Goliath in that Wild Horses has looked more destined for the lightweight division versus the main stage
MSB: It surely isn't hobo chic like mine that's for sure.
[Music Begins to Play]
PGE: That's true. I long for the days of a clean-shaven Michael Stipe. Now I'm stuck with a walking bird's nest of a man. Well, Misty beard's music has started to play so the champ is here!
MSB: That's the trademark "Strange Encounter" playing of course. Look at Father Misty's eyes, he really seems determined for his fuzzy counterpart Hatchett to retain the gold tonight.
PGE: That's right, and look at what great shape his beard's in tonight. Father John told me in an off-camera interview that he hasn't shaved since Valentine's Day 2012 in preparation for this showdown. And just for background for those of you who are new to us - as Misty makes his way into the ring - these hair vs. hair matches are rather unorthodox. Through the mastery of science and Industrial Lights and Magic, Misty and LaMontagne's beards are actually able to physically come off the faces of their masters, and engage in a fight. The respective follicles are controlled by the minds of the musicians.
MSB: It's sort of like Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots but with beards and without children involved. Petey Eyes I tell you I get chills every time the beards come off the face. It's always a no holds barred match with the two opponents going at it in a very exciting, if not disturbing way.
PGE: And here we go.... Hatchett is off and ready to go. Oh, it looks like Father John Misty is grabbing the mic. "We've been discussing this for a few years now, Ray. Get out here and fight my beard like a man."
[Music Begins to Play]
PGE: And here comes Ray! He's being escorted to the ring once again by his manager Meg White to the tune of, well, "Meg White."
MSB: You know, "Everybody Hurts," and I have a feeling today is the day Wild Horses really feels the wrath of Father John Misty's weird beard. Horses has lost its girth, and comes off like a Family Ties Michael Gross' beard that couldn't even handle a clean-shaven Alex P. Keaton.
PGE: It does look a little weaker than usual. Ray and company have now entered the ring, and Horses has launched off his face. He gives a kiss to his owner and Meg, and we're about ready to begin.
[Bell rings]
Follow the action right here.
About A-Sides with Jon Chattman:
Jon Chattman's music/entertainment series typically features celebrities and artists (established or not) from all genres performing a track, and discussing what it means to them. This informal series focuses on the artist making art in a low-threatening, extremely informal (sometime humorous) way. No bells, no whistles -- just the music performed in a random, low-key setting followed by an unrehearsed chat. In an industry where everything often gets overblown and over manufactured, Jon strives for a refreshing change. Artists featured on the series include Imagine Dragons, Melissa Etheridge, Yoko Ono, Joe Perry, Alice Cooper, fun, Bleachers, Charli XCX, Marina and the Diamonds, and Bastille.