Judges love his theatrical ways. Teenage girls fawn over him despite the fact -- let's face it -- he's probably just not that into them. His tight pants leave little to the imagination, his nails and eyeliner are straight off a Hot Topic shelf, and his falsettos sound as if someone is gloriously squeezing the life out of his testicles. Yes, "American Idol" frontrunner Adam Lambert has a lot going for him, but there's something missing. I think I know what it is.
It's getting fairly comical at this point to say -- given that many sites are popping up petitioning this celeb to grow one and that celeb to grow one -- but in a perfect world, Lambert would grow himself one Freddie Mercury of a mustache. I'll explain...
Lambert has been praised all season as the most courageous and boldest contestant in "American Idol's" history. He'll prance around stage one week singing an unorthodox version of Play that Funky Music, and then switch gears the very next week with a stripped down version of Tracks of My Tears. He's effortlessly tackled everyone from the Bee Gees to Led Zeppelin on the show, and hasn't let rumors of his sexuality nor photos surfacing of him lip-to-lip with another dude or dressed in drag -- get in the way of his dream (as the superb EW cover story points out this week). With Lambert seemingly heading into the finale (Simon Cowell just told Oprah he's going to win it all), it's time for the Mt. Carmel High School grad to shock the world again and head into the show's ninth inning with some Rollie Fingers-groomed peachfuzz. If he does so, Lambert would become the first AI contestant in history to sport a mustache. More importantly, he'd help usher in a new legion of push broom supporters -- something that Brad Pitt's "Inglorious" mustache has surprisingly not been able to accomplish.
There are several ways Lambert can fashion his facial fuzz. Since he's very creative, a Dali-styled mustache could add more character to his face and draw attention away from his emo-hipster look -- which would definitely be a good thing. A better look for Lambert could be a John Waters pencil-thin mustache, which would especially match up with his slicked-back look from Motown week. Speaking of which, the contestant could try on a Smokey Robinson-esque stache circa "We Are the World" and see if the porn-push broom works for him. That said, it's highly doubtful it would since he'd likely lose some of those screaming teen fans.
The bottom line is this -- Lambert has shocked judges each week with his strong rearrangements of songs, wailing vocals and fashion sense. He even won over Slash, and that's not easy. Just ask Axl. A mustache seems the next logical step for Lambert on his amazing road to victory. Nothing can bring shock and awe to Paula Abdul's face more than a Snoop Dog-sized mustache under Lambert's nose. Well, that's probably not true but still...there's no mistaking the power of the mustache.
If you'd like to support the cause, visit here. As we wind down on another "American Idol" season -- arguably it's strongest in years -- let's hope Lambert makes another "Idol" first by sporting a stache on the biggest stage in the world. After all, a mustache is always molten lava hot, never karaoke, and always -- as Paula might say -- "brilliant."