THE BLOG
10/28/2008 08:32 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

John McCain's Memo to His Brother Joe

John McCain did not think it was necessary to get so specific with his brother Joe about things NOT TO DO during this historic election. However, in light of recent events he was forced to send him this memo:

Dear Joe,

I know how you can get cranky when you have to wait around and aren't able to get to where you want to be when you want to be there but I have to remind you to please try and be patient during this final week of the election. If you do find yourself calling 911 again (which I truly hope you will try not) please remember to NOT say, "fuck you" to them. Yes, even if they say things like, "this line is to be used for emergencies only" or "you're tying up the line for someone who may be in actual trouble" or even, "the health of a woman is at risk" or what have you.

Let's say, for example, you do find yourself on a really long line at the grocery store and in a force of habit you happen to accidentally call 911 to complain. Please don't use words like dumb bitch and/or slutty whore at all during the conversation. You've seen me do my best to refrain from calling Cindy (or anyone else) a cunt during the election and I would ask you to do the same. Once the election is over we can go back to doing whatever we damn well please but for now we have to pretend the poor, the stupid, the brown, the blacks (especially), and women are all just like us.

If you feel anything boiling up try some of the tips that I have learned:

1. Instead of saying things like cunt say "my friend(s)."

2. If someone you hate is speaking to you (or is near you) try not looking at them and simply roll your eyes and laugh. Smile hard.

3. Use air quotes to convey that you think something is totally ridiculous (without actually saying that it is).

4. Travel around with an idiot (and have them say what you can't).

Also, remember to wear pants when visiting that elementary school on Thursday. (Hahaha, I'm just kidding of course you'll wear pants.)

Only one more week to go! You can do it. I am proud of you little brother. I promise I'll let you push one of the buttons when we fire bomb some assholes!

Love,
John

P.S. Air quotes are when you make rabbit ears with both hands and then curl them up. and down in a repeating motion. Practice doing that while saying things like: good, decent and man.