Dear Mr. president,
I'd like to apply for a loan. I hear you're in the business now. What kind of rates can I get? If it's anything like my credit card, 30%, forget it. Oh, I'm sorry 29.9%. Anyway, I hear you're good with loans for failing businesses. Government prime rate loans, right? Let's get that straight, right off. There's just one thing though. I know you have a thing for only giving out loans to businesses who go into the multi-hundred billion dollar loss range. I don't need that much. But I'll tell ya what. Let's call it an even, oh say, 300 billion and I'll promise to only take 200 billion of that for my bonus. See, you can get me for cheap.
I run my own business. It hasn't been doing too well lately. You see I made some investments which didn't work out too well. But here's the good part. I have a business partner who lives in Alaska and can see Russia. So right there you know I'd be a great help to the global economy. She also hunts moose, has a witch hunter preacher, wears lipstick, and has kids. Oh, and before I forget, she's like way hot. So you could like have her sit with you for some photo ops and look really cool together. Ya. You could probably sell those prints to all you buddies at the U.N., ey? You betcha.
So you're probably wondering what my business is, huh? Well, I lend out money to people. I have this state of the art economic model. I let people borrow money for their new car or house. Then when they can't pay I just sell the borrower off to a secondary market borrower. Ya. In the secondary market that borrow gets a lower interest rate. So you see, there's no problem finding secondary market borrowers. Pretty nifty, huh? I deduced it from your very own Wall street model where borrowers don't really need good credit. It's really quite popular. I just can't understand why the business is failing though.
Anyway, what difference does it make? We all know you're there for us with a bailout loan when we need one.
So there you go. What else would you nee to know to approve my loan? Let's see. SSN, name, address, credit ratings. Just give a call over to the FBI and they'll send over their file of me from their satirical liberal blogger terrorists drawer. Oh yeah, and ATT probably has some wire tap tapes from when they did that illegal wiretapping thing, which we expect they'll be retroactively exonerated of. After all, ATT is above those silly privacy laws, just like you.
I'll say hi to my partner for you. Wink, wink.