08/04/2011 12:13 pm ET Updated Oct 04, 2011

Start the Insanity

In the wake of the Debt Ceiling Debacle of 2011, it has become abundantly clear that progressives must change tactics if they are to achieve their policy aims. No longer can we cling to the outmoded strategy of proposing policies we actually support, and pursuing these policies by means of reasoned discussion and analysis. Only by adopting extreme, absurdist positions and abandoning all rationality in their defense can we hope to achieve our ends.

I therefore call upon all those who believe in a progressive America to join me in the formation of a new party that will boldly press for policies that are as vital to our national well-being as they are completely insane. The Americano Party will stand up for the time-honored progressive principles that made America great, and to which we must return: principles such as state ownership of all industry, mandatory teenage sex; and the introduction of wolves into populated urban areas.

These principles are encapsulated in the Americano Party Pledge, which all politicians who hope for our support will be required to sign in blood on a moonless night in a ceremony overseen by a Wiccan High Priestess. Here is a draft. The pledge is a work in progress, and your input is welcome:

I, the undersigned, in order to return America to greatness and fulfill the great progressive vision of Thomas Jefferson, Leon Trotsky, and Bella Abzug, do hereby vow and pledge to support the following Americano Party Principles:

  • New top tax rate: 125%.
  • Elimination of all corporations; replacement with co-ops.
  • All criminals to receive mandatory coddling.
  • Replacement of the Second Amendment right to bear arms with a new amendment guaranteeing the right to nurse in public.
  • Elimination of subsidies for oil and gas; replacement with subsidies for hemp and threesomes.
  • Minimum wage: $50
  • Maximum wage: $50
  • Only gays in the military
  • Mandatory national "All Things Considered" listening hour.
  • All Cabinet-level government officials will be required to have actual pointy heads.
  • Decriminalization of marijuana; criminalization of golf.
  • Elimination of Christmas; replacement with National Noam Chomsky Appreciation Day
  • Government business to be conducted exclusively in Spanish.
  • Lights out at 9:00 sharp.
  • Immediate return of the country to its rightful owners: the native Americans.
Only by holding our elected officials strictly to these completely idiotic principles can we ensure that our country returns to the path of reason. But we must act quickly, and we must act crazy. Remember: our country needs us too much for us not to threaten to bring it down in flames if we don't get our way on everything. Join me and the Americano Party at one of our national Crazypants Rallies™, or donate to our political action commissariat. Because if you're not a part of the crazy, you're a part of the problem.

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