06/14/2013 09:14 am ET Updated Aug 14, 2013

The NSA's Error-filled Transcripts of My Telephone Conversations

If the NSA has worked up any transcripts of what I've said on the phone, they've probably gotten it wrong.

When I talk on the phone, I'm often unintelligible. Usually it's because I've misplaced the Bluetooth for my iPhone so I'm chatting via the speakerphone. (Often, I can't find the iPhone, either, at which point I begin to cry.) Other times it's because a call has come in and awakened me from a sound sleep -- that would be 1 a.m. to 8 a.m., plus I usually take a power nap from 12 p.m. to 7 p.m. -- so my pronunciation is a bit garbled. In the evening, I like to knock back a bottle of Wild Turkey and so if a call comes in, my speech might be just a bit slurred. (I also stand on my balcony shooting off an air gun and making vague plans to run for sheriff of Aspen, Colo., but that's another story.) And I have once weekly chats with my 102-year-old Aunt Esther down in Florida. Her Yiddish scat singer style dialect tends to rub off on me for about an hour after we hang up, so the only way a caller who would have the remotest idea what I'm saying would be if it's Aunt Esther, calling me back.

And so, if the NSA is monitoring my phone calls I worry that they might not be correctly hearing what I'm saying. And, if this is the case, I worry even more, about what the resulting impact on my beloved U.S. of A. might be.

1. I say "Iraqi Insurgents" but the NSA hears, "Iroquois Indians." Result: U.S. military invades a gambling casino in Rochester.

2. I say "greenhouse gases" but the NSA hears, "Gas House Gang." Result: EPA blames global warming on the 1934 St Louis Cardinals.

3. I say, "trade deficit" but the NSA hears, "trade Dwight Howard." Commerce Department acts to impose stiff tariffs on any trades involving the Los Angeles Lakers

4. I say, "Chris Christie" but the NSA hears "Kris Kringle." Result: FEMA sends $7.1 billion in hurricane relief funds to the North Pole.

5. I say, "NASA" but the NSA hears "NAMBLA." Result: White House cuts off funding for space exploration believing that in the not too distant future, a spacecraft manned by a crew of pedophiles will land on Mars.

6. I say, "Al Jazeera" but the NSA hears, "Al Jolson." Result: FCC comes to the conclusion that the The Jazz Singer was al Qaeda propaganda.

7. I say, "Marco Rubio" but the NSA hears "Imelda Marcos." Result: White House believes the immigration bill has a higher likelihood of passage if it's supported by the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan Party. [sic.)

8. I say, "Senator Rand Paul is often in agreement with Rep. Ron Paul." NSA hears, "Rand Paul is on call." Result: Obama's congressional liaison is relieved to hear that Rand Paul has left the Senate and returned to his ophthalmology practice.

9. I say, "Rahm Emanuel" and the NSA hears "Ari Emanuel." White House is alarmed to hear that there's a high rate of gun violence at the William Morris/Endeavor Talent Agency.

10. I say "USA" and the NSA hears "NSA." Result: NSA gets very confused, begins monitoring themselves, eventually decides that the civil liberties of the NSA are under threat from the NSA, at which point, due to a mostly unexplainable, possibly unrelated, Zen encryption spatial duality convergence, every GPS satellite orbiting the earth falls out of orbit and lands on Ted Cruz.

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