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The Earth Is Flat... but They Can't Handle the Truth

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"We've known for a long time gravity doesn't exist. It's time to yell it." Dr. Erik Verlinde, professor of physics at the University of Amsterdam, as quoted in the New York Times, July 12, 2010.

It's finally happening. Thanks to the courage of such truth pioneers as Glenn Beck, Alex Jones and Harold Camping (so what if his Rapture prediction was a little off?), the iniquitous conspiracy between Big Science and the Lamestream Media is finally beginning to crumble.

The first sign was cable news' wall-to-wall coverage of 2009's "Climategate." Public exposure of a handful of snarky emails exchanged by British climatologists proved for time eternal that all of the so-called "peer-reviewed findings" and "scientific consensus" that the Earth is warming as a result of human activity were a cruel hoax. And the liberal media refused to conspire (finally!) with Big Science's attempted whitewash: There was scant coverage of the four "independent" investigations which, all-too-conveniently and coincidentally, cleared the scientists of misconduct and reconfirmed the global warming fallacy.

That's why it's high time for real, truth-loving Americans to employ the same logic and observational methods used by climate change deniers to debunk a far more pernicious fantasy perpetuated for centuries by Big Science: The "theory" that the Earth is round, that it spins wildly on its own axis and that it hurtles madly through "outer space."

My assumption, fair reader, is that you've been brainwashed by Big Science and its profiteering Caliphate cronies in academia and the textbook industry. Otherwise, you'd realize that Round Earth theory is historically inaccurate and experientially absurd.

First, think of the great names that have been heralded as Round Earth theory "heroes."

Galileo? Nope: He formally recanted his crazy conspiracies about a mobile Earth after some gentle noodging by the church.

Columbus? Just the opposite: He set sail west to "India" to prove the world was round, only to discover that the Earthen plain was just much wider than previously thought.

Now, use a method of inquiry that you can trust: your own two eyes. Walk outside, and look as far as you can see, in every direction. Aside from the occasional hill or valley, the Earth is obviously flat. Take a step forward. Do you feel dizzy because the ground is spinning beneath you at ten times the velocity of a Roy Halladay fastball? Do you trip because the earth is being propelled at speeds that are well beyond any human or mechanical experience?

Of course not.

Big Science's response?

Just as with the delusion of "greenhouse gases," Round Earth theory has its own invisible chimera: a magical force called "gravity." Of course, Isaac Newton's theory of gravity was undermined severely when it was revealed that his first and supposedly dispositive experiment -- an apple falling on his head -- was a childhood myth, just like Washington cutting down the cherry tree, or the theory of evolution.

But Big Science and its co-conspirators in the globe manufacturing industry held firm. Until now. As the Grey Lady herself reported last year, Dr. Erik Verlinde, a Big Science-certified physicist, broke ranks with his colleagues in a recent paper, entitled "On the Origin of Gravity and the Laws of Newton." Verlinde postulated that gravity is an illusion, a side effect of the laws of thermodynamics, which govern the behavior of gases and heat. While some establishment scientists predictably branded Verlinde a heretic, others believe that he is on to something truly groundbreaking.

Of course, no one in Big Science has dared to take the next logical step and proclaim the demise of Round Earth theory. There is too much at stake -- think of all of the geopolitical and macroeconomic implications: NASA would be forced to admit that five decades of "space exploration" were a sham, manufactured on a Hollywood sound stage by their Zionist collaborators. Americans would discover billions, if not trillions, of their tax dollars, purportedly designated for the space program, squired away in Swiss banks and slush funds by successive presidents. Perhaps we would finally find out the politically-explosive funding sources for the 9/11 building demolitions, the effort to impose Sharia Law on small towns in rural America and the Hawaiian fake long-form birth certificate bribing scandal.

More significantly, establishment scientists won't allow yet another revelation of their transparent overreach for power. As Fox News and conservative radio have so cogently explained, Big Science and its political allies (that's you, Al Gore!) desperately want to take away our freedoms, deny us our high standards of living, and transform America into an agrarian, dystopian, Orwellian society, wholly dependent on insidious scientific theory and socialist public policy.

There is hope, however, and it's found in the recent reconstitution of the Flat Earth Society. Founded in the early 19th century by British inventor Samuel Birley Rowbotham -- who demonstrated that the Earth is a flat surface centered at the North Pole, with the sun, moon and planets only a few hundred miles above us -- the Flat Earth Society once again began to accept new members in 2009. Its Web site provides a forum for Flat Earthers to discuss scientific theory and public relations strategy, and offers a comprehensive compilation of academic research and frequently asked questions and answers. (The FAQs begin: "Q. Is this site a joke? A. This site is not a joke. We are actively promoting the Flat Earth movement worldwide. There are members who seriously believe the Earth is flat.")

Still, Flat Earth theory has yet to hit the zeitgeist. We thought our moment had arrived in 2005, when über-Establishment columnist Thomas Friedman published the best-selling The World is Flat; but alas, the title was merely a cruel metaphor. Even our expected political allies have ignored us: Sarah Palin broke our hearts when she claimed that she could see Russia from her front porch; she must have known that, to Alaska's west, lays the end of the world. (At least, CBS has complied with our demands by pulling the plug on its afternoon serial nature documentary, As the World Turns.)

So here's my modest proposal: As a HuffPo reader, you likely have come in contact with members of the bicoastal conspiracy to thwart real American values. Please share this essay with these elitists, and encourage them to deliver their most ribald Ivy-league expressions of disdain and condescension. Record them with your phone/camera and send me the clips. I will pass them onto Andrew Breitbart or that McLovin-looking dude who brought down ACORN and public radio. With their help, I will emerge as the next global... uh, I should say, international... media sensation. And finally, perhaps, the CIA will remove the microchip they implanted in my behind.