Children are a precious gift from heaven (or the universe, or a stork, or whatever your selected delivery method may be). But let's not be delusional: these little suckers are going to turn your life upside down. Before you know it, your snuggly-teeny-freshly-made newborn is a hairy-smelly-taller-than-you teenager. There are some pretty distinct stages between huffing baby head and hiding from armpit stench. Let's talk about toddlerhood.
How can you be sure you've entered this phase?
1. Food:
You can't recall the last time you had an actual meal. For lunch today you had 17 leftover Goldfish crackers and the stale crust of a PBJ. Dinner is probably going to be broccoli. Just... all the broccoli.
2. Ketchup:
... is a food group. This food group also includes ranch.
3. (a) Personal Hygiene -- Yours:
If you are able to get a shower alone, or even at all, it is probably tainted by the screams of your 4-year-old: "LET ME IN. I NEED TO POOP/TELL YOU SOMETHING/CRACKERS." This also applies to your pooping: a) you hold it until it's falling out on its own; b) you can complete your entire bathroom visit in 30 seconds -- from sit to wipe to flush.
3. (b) Personal Hygiene -- Theirs:
Baths are actually a form of water torture. Who knew? Go ahead, pour water over your toddler's head. Be ready. Your neighbors are calling CPS. Right now.
4. TV:
You've developed a special sort of hatred for Caillou. And yet, you can sing the entire theme song. In fact, you've made up your own lyrics... I'm just a kid who's 4 -- and then something about being a whore. That's how much you hate that whiny little bastard. Why doesn't he have hair, anyway?
5. Personal Injury:
You are well acquainted with the searing pain that is a Lego in your foot. Currently drafting a strong argument in favor of Lego bonfire/ban.
6. (a) Language:
Your 3-year-old now regularly says, "SH*T-DAMN-F*CKING-LEGOS."
6. (b) Language, Part 2:
You speak in a rotation of four primary phrases:
"Do you have to go potty? Are you sure? Are you SURE?"
"Please sit down. Please sit down. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED SIT DOWN."
"We don't yell/throw/hit. Use your words instead of yelling/throwing/hitting. It's unkind to yell/throw/hit. STOP YELLING/THROWING/HITTING NOW."
"It's nap/bedtime. It's time for nap/bed. Let's take a nap/go to bed. NAP/BED. NOW."
7. Speaking Of Sleep...
You own a king-size bed. You sleep huddled in the southwest 5 percent of said bed. Remainder of bed is 25 percent snoring spouse and 70 percent starfished child.
If you have more than one toddler, you're probably fetal on the floor with one flimsy throw pillow and a sheet.
Sleeping in = 6 a.m. You strategize a later wakeup by putting toddler to bed at 10 p.m. Sleeping in now = 6:07 a.m.
Welcome to toddlerhood!
Up next: Adolescence. The phase when you realize you don't know anything about anything. Ever.
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This story by Joni Edelman first appeared at ravishly.com, an alternative news+culture women's website.
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