Back on July 13, 2004, Fox News--which consistently hires the biggest dicks in entertainment outside of the gay porn industry--was host to another of Bill O'Reilly's patented tirades: "The latest atrocity is a rap song by a guy named Jadakiss, who is just a pitiful pawn being run by the huge Vivendi Corporation, a French company that's distributing some of the most vile entertainment Talking Points has ever seen."
In fact, O'Reilly was so incensed that he told his viewers to sell their Vivendi stock and urged Congress to "draft legislation that would impose fines on companies that distribute provable defamation. That's the only way to bring the smear merchants down because business is good in their evil world, and they'll justify anything and everything."
Unfortunately, the same battered brain lobe that controls Bill's temper, phone-sex technique, and ability to distinguish spiced Middle Eastern fried chickpea dishes from soiled bath items also apparently influences his long-term memory.
Fast-forward to 2008. Considering Bill's obvious distaste for Vivendi--and the well-trammeled, unambiguously moral pathways he's so faithfully trodden these past four years--one naturally wonders why he would now consent to a cameo appearance in a new film distributed by the company. Did Vivendi have a change of heart? Is it now a noble purveyor of high-brow entertainment? No, it just distributed some vile, humorless schlock that O'Reilly happens to like--and that's gilding the lily of Bill's already illustrious media empire.
Yes, it turns out that Vivendi is distributing An American Carol, the movie that puts the final nail in the coffin of David Zucker's career. Long gone are the days of Airplane and The Kentucky Fried Movie. Those will be seen as Mr. Zucker's Camelots. Now he's got Bill O'Reilly smacking around Michael Moore in a porta-potty. Genius.
As we proved in Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O'Reilly, nearly everything O'Reilly tries to poison rather hilariously turns to gold. His boycott of Vivendi earned company shareholders a 20 percent windfall by year's end. And his quixotic campaign against France helped give French imports a $1 billion boost within the span of a year.
And just as O'Reilly's boycotts have failed miserably, so has his promotion of this effort. Bill hyped An American Carol heavily on The O'Reilly Factor, The Radio Factor and other Fox News programs. With a wide release on 1,639 screens, the film opened with a paltry $3.8 million over the weekend, or $2,325 per screen. By comparison, Bill Maher's Religulous did nearly as much business in limited release on 502 screens, averaging a robust $6,972 per screen.
So here's a little advice for Secretary Paulson, Mr. Bernanke, and our embattled congressional leaders. Forget about the $700 billion. If you really want the U.S. economy to recover, simply ask Bill O'Reilly to boycott it. If, on the other hand, you want Weimar Germany, followed by an ominous, ineluctable descent into dark '30s- and '40s-style fascism, encourage him to tell his viewers to support their country and buy American.
If only we'd known about the O'Reilly Effect during our most recent economic downturns, this country could have been spared a lot of pain. Please, oh wise economic leaders, don't fail us again. An O'Reilly curse would be worth a 300 basis points interest rate cut at least--without presenting the usual threat of inflation. Face it, this lunatic is the perfect reverse barometer. Act now to save America before it's too late.