With Hillary Clinton's more or less gracious concession speech on Saturday, the race between Barack Obama and John McCain is officially on.
In case you hadn't noticed, one of these candidates is a little, shall we say, cooler than the other. Indeed, not since Richard Nixon flop-sweated all over an anxious nation during the 1960 presidential debates has there been such a wide charisma gap between the two major candidates.
Election 2008 is quickly shaping up as Barry vs. Scary. One candidate inspires us, invigorates us, and restores our shattered hopes, while the other is joined in an epic battle with the American people to see who falls asleep first.
Of course, for better or worse, image is vitally important to electoral politics. Everyone knows that it's not necessarily what a candidate actually says that determines who wins elections, but what the nation hears.
With that in mind, here's a brief look at what we'll all likely be "hearing" over the next five months:
Barack Obama:
I promise to be a font and beacon of hope, always appealing to your nobler instincts and working each day to uplift and inspire both you and your children.
John McCain:
I promise not to eat your children.
Barack Obama:
I am proud and humbled to be a small but important fulfillment of Dr. King's inspirational dream--that man should be judged not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character.
John McCain:
So, I can see you're all asking yourselves, what's this shit on my face?
Barack Obama:
We must strive to be conscientious stewards of the environment by working to preserve the future vitality of our forests, our farmlands, our air and our oceans.
John McCain:
Arrrrr, I'm a sea captain!
Barack Obama:
I will work to preserve America's standing as an economic superpower, while fighting to ensure our economy is not only strong, but also fair. Yes we can!
John McCain:
Here's a nickel. Go fetch yerself a Moon Pie.
Barack Obama:
We will harness the awesome strength, work ethic and ingenuity of the American people, whose remarkable initiative and innovation has no parallel in history. We will ensure that hard-working Americans have the opportunity to pursue a living wage while we make truly amazing strides in the development of new and vital technologies.
John McCain:
Blu-ray? What the devil is Blu-ray? Sounds like a Negro gin joint. I just figured out how to stop "12:00" from flashing on my VCR, fer Chrissakes!
Barack Obama:
People say this is a historic election, and it is. It's historic because it represents a stark choice between the failed policies of the last eight years, which have made us both less safe and less economically secure, and a future where anything is possible and where any dream, no matter how unlikely or idealistic, can be realized.
John McCain:
I should probably say something about resolve or big government here. Say, was that a Cracker Barrel I saw on the way in from the airport?