Now that we've all spent the last week getting to know Sarah Palin -- and roughly the same amount of time getting to know her illicit bastard grand-fetus -- it's time to reflect.
To review: What the fuck, John McCain?
Forget that McCain, who is diagnosed with cancer fortnightly, has chosen the most unqualified No. 2 since Wilson the volleyball. Forget that Palin's judgment is such that she apparently names her children with a Speak & Spell. Forget that there were far more qualified women available for the post -- not to mention women who are even hotter and/or hunt moose with far more frequency.
No, the problem with Palin is that, with the newly revealed pregnancy of her 17-year-old daughter, her policies have already failed right before her eyes. It would be as if Barack Obama's family had been kidnapped just prior to the Democratic National Convention by marauding Canadian doctors gone mad over single-payer universal healthcare.
Yes, with many a social conservative pushing an abstinence-only sex education, it turns out young Bristol Palin is currently carrying 7 pounds 8 ounces of irony. Whether or not this is her first child is really irrelevant. What is relevant is that Sarah Palin's convention speech is unlikely to resonate with the American people when she couldn't even convey to her daughter the simple message of "don't let guys at school cum inside your vagina."
So began the process of reinventing the Palins. Mama Palin spent the entire day not using her political position to seek revenge on her enemies. Papa Palin didn't touch the sauce. Bristol showed off all five months of demon-seed growth in her belly. And Levi Johnston was transformed from self-described "redneck" to L.L. Bean model, trading in his hockey jersey, gun, and extended middle finger for a heather gray pullover and a smile courtesy of Crest Whitestrips.
As to whether Palin's speech will have any impact on the campaign, we can only wait and see. Still, we hope the best for young Bristol and Levi. We're quite certain they'll live happily ever after ... regardless of whether Bristol Palin was voted by her high school class as "Most Likely To Have Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy."