The love of a parent for a child is perhaps the most powerful human love.
When Solomon was confronted with two women who claimed to be the mother of the same baby, he bade the swordsman to cut it in two and gave each woman half. Whereupon one claimed the other was the mother and Solomon, recognizing her as the true mother, gave her the baby.
What is clear is her commitment to her child's future -- her selfless act places the value of her child's life above that of her own. It helps us appreciate the words of Isaac Newton: "If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."
As humans, we usually consider "love" as reciprocal; you love me and I love you -- otherwise we are not in love. However as parents, we are meant to commit our love to our children regardless of what they give us in return. In fact, this unconditional parental love should primarily be reserved not even for the child, but for the person our child is meant to become -- the child's true destiny or unique potential.
The reality is, our child seeks our love from birth. Being pulled from the womb, it experiences fear of abandonment, so it seeks the love of its caretaker by imitating her, feeling if it is like her, she will love it, and thus always be there when it needs her.
As our children grow and begins to feel secure, this fear unconsciously develops into how well we parents are preparing them for life -- helping them realize their best and to become self-sufficient by roughly age 19.
Many conflicts teenagers have with their parents are really rooted in their unconscious concern that their parents have not fully prepared them for life. But their love for and identification with parents deflects this concern into some more superficial argument. Our children will imitate our values, character, sense of purpose and, unfortunately, our shortcomings. So we need to deal with our faults, and also be more patient with our children's growth, because many of their problems stem from our problems.
As we guide their growth, remember the phrase "We believed in them when they didn't believe in themselves."
Sometimes a parent tries to narrow the parent-child gap by seeking the child's "love." This will kill a parent's effectiveness. The child no longer has to seek the parent's love; he/she already has it, and can use it to manipulate the parent -- as it would in trying to be your child's friend. Avoid any form of manipulation, because it's a game in which the kid is always three steps ahead of you.
When I was doing poorly in high school, my parents announced to me they had enrolled me in a military school. I ranted and raved about having no rights in the family, finally saying to my stepfather, "We all know what's going on here -- you're just trying to get me out of the house!"
But I knew my parents were doing the right thing for me, and my "act" was simply trying to make Mom feel guilty for not discussing it with me first, hoping it would help her convince my stepfather to ease up on restrictions during my military school vacations.
I was shocked when they didn't send me! This seriously shook my confidence in their parenting; how could they fall for such an obvious theatrical manipulation!?
However, I was able to subsequently blame their failure on my mother's guilt over her alcoholism. So except for their alcoholic problems, I continued to believe they were exceptional in doing the right thing for my growth--a vital source for my confidence and trust.
It is this bond that creates love between parent and child.
Next Week: Part 3--Parenting with Principles