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Josh Tetrick

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Five Reasons Why Man = Meat

Posted: 07/31/11 10:14 PM ET

To my fellow men:

It's time to bring forward some reasoned arguments against the wave of "evidence" and public opinion claiming that meat is unhealthy, unethical, and unattractive. The next time you're being bullied by the carrot mobs, give them a spoonful of sloppy joe and the following five reasons why you've made the choice (it's a free country!) to keep on eating 222 pounds of meat a year.

1. Fecal Soup.
99 percent of chickens take a long, cold bath in massive tanks of water and communal feces before their meat leaves the slaughter plant. The chicken industry literally calls it, "fecal soup." Here's the cool thing: A small, but now extinct tribe of men in Burundi believed that inhaling chicken crap gave them "special" powers. We could have those powers. And the USDA legally requires companies to indicate what percentage of their chicken meat is infused with crap water. Unfortunately, the law doesn't allow for more than 11 percent liquid absorption. The next time you buy chicken, just look closely at the small print on the bottom-right of the package. Anything over 5 percent should be enough to give you superhuman qualities.

2. Sex.
You'll get it less. Mostly because eating lots of meat (read: inhaling cholesterol) has been linked in study after study to impotence. And the first blocked artery in men is usually pumping blood to, yep, the penis. If you think strategically, though, your impending arousal issues should mean that you'll become even more irresistible to your partner. The "hard to get strategy" worked with your last two ex-girlfriends, right? It's time to bring that same strategy to the bedroom. Side note that you should probably keep to yourself: Erectile dysfunction is the canary in the coal mine for heart disease.

3. Strength.
Modern women aren't attracted to men that challenge stereotypes, have the strength to act in alignment with their deepest values, and live with compassion and integrity. And the fact is that women just dig men who see clips of defenseless mother pigs stuffed in crates so small that they can't turn around, and then blurt out, "But, I love me some bacon!" It's a turn on. Go ask them.

4. Salt.
Eating lots of meat will make your "stuff" smell like a decomposing -- but salty -- pig carcass. The digestion of animal protein creates a dumpster-like bacterial environment, giving your girl that, "Did I just throw up in my mouth?" taste. See, the less a woman is interested in all that down there, the more satisfying it'll be the two times a year (read: your birthday and Valentines Day) that she's brave enough to give it a try. Common sense dictates another strip of bacon on that BLT.

5. Sympathy.
Colon cancer has been linked to slurping down red and processed meats, presumably related to the armies of nitrates swimming around in every bite. And "vegetarians have the lowest rates of coronary heart disease of any group in the country," said Dr. Castelli, director of the longest-running study of diet and heart disease in the world. What should all that "science" mean to you? In romantic relationships, the sympathy card is always a winner. And getting sick means lots of it. Expect more massages and more home cooked breakfasts -- a silver lining, even if you're crapping blood.

Strap on a pair, and enjoy your dinner.

 

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