Our brains are designed to be social. Our need for belonging is more powerful than our need for safety. Rejection brings on the same pain in the brain centers and body as a car crash. But, when we are shown love, respect and honor, it triggers the same centers in the brain as when we eat chocolate, have sex or are on drugs. Learning this will change how you lead.
From birth, we learn to avoid physical pain and move toward physical pleasure. Over time, we learn to avoid pain to protect ourselves from ego pain, building habits and patterns of behavior that keep us safe from feeling belittled or embarrassed.
At work this may translate into avoiding a person who competes with you when you speak up, to avoiding a boss who sends you silent signals of disappointment.
Pain can also come from what you anticipate -- not from what is real. If you imagine that expressing annoyance to colleagues will lead to an argument, just the thought of having that conversation will produce the social pain of being rejected.
The feared implications of pain become so real for us that we seek avoidance, since confronting a person with a difficult conversation may lead to rejection or embarrassment. Our emotions are tied directly to feelings of pain and pleasure -- in fact they are the source of pain and pleasure.
For the past 20 years, new discoveries at neuroscience research centers have been revealing new and healthy ways to handle negative emotions.
Since conventional wisdom suggests that it's better to not to discuss these emotions, we turn to alternative strategies -- such as suppressing negative emotions, controlling them, managing them or telling others (gossip/triangulation) just to get them out. Anger Management programs abound, as do Emotional Intelligence exercises to take control of those negative unsocial emotions.
New wisdom, however, takes us down another path. Rather than suppressing emotions (damaging internal healthy functioning) we need to express our emotions in healthy ways. Learning how to label emotions in healthy and constructive ways has a big impact emotionally -- both for the speaker and the receiver.
Careful labeling of emotions enables us to regulate them. If the emotion is "rage" or "frustration," labeling it causes the rage and frustration to settle down. Constructive Labeling enables speaker and listener to clarify the emotional distress. The speaker, instead of bringing higher emotional distress to the situation , brings a more logical frame of reference. This provides healthy regulation.
Labelling emotions and expressing our discomfort enables us to quell the fear and pain centers of the brain (Amygdala) and activate our reasoning and forward-thinking centers in the brain (prefrontal cortex) where our strategic and social skills reside. Our pleasure centers are more closely linked to the pre-frontal cortex, so we feel better when we come up with new and better strategies for the future.
Language can trigger states of being as powerful as drugs. That is why we are seeing a movement toward Appreciative Inquiry and Positive Psychology. This trust towards communicating in positive and appreciative ways, rather than judgmental, is being validated.
We feel happy when someone appreciates us, sad when they think little of us. As we communicate, we read the content and emotions being sent. Conversations are more than the information we share or words we speak. They are a way to package our feelings about ourselves, our world and others. As leaders, we communicate sad or happy with almost every conversation. As we understand the power of language in regulating how people feel every day, and the role language plays in evolving the brain's capacity to expand perspectives and create a "feel good" experience, we can shape the workplace in profound ways.
Truth Be Told
Children raised by parents who positively shape a child's environment with appreciative and value-based conversations become more optimistic about life and more self-confident. Children who grow up in punitive and judgmental environments tend to be less positive about themselves and more judgmental about others.
Those who grow up in families where they are loved, where they learn to discover their strengths and are challenged in positive ways, tend to be very healthy of mind, body and spirit and lead healthier lives.
Many illnesses associated with toxic work places can be reduced by focusing on the "feel" of the conversational environment that we create for our employees. This suggests that mentally healthy people will have a strengthened immune system, affording them increased protection against disease.
We have two types of reactions in conversations -- one causes us pleasure, and one causes us pain. Appreciation is pleasure; negative judgment is pain.
How can you create the conversational space that affords deeper understanding and engagement rather than fear and avoidance? Be mindful of your conversations and their emotional content -- either pain or pleasure.
Are you sending the message "you can trust me to have your best interest at heart" or "I want to persuade you to think about things my way"?
Being aware of these meta-messages, you create a safe culture for open, candid, caring conversations, allowing all parties to interact at the highest level, sharing perspectives, feelings, and aspirations, while elevating insights and wisdom.
Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results
by Judith E. Glaser (BiblioMotion - Forthcoming October 2013)