7 Tips for Talking About Health and Money With Elderly Parents

Not since your conversation about the birds and the bees have you and your parents faced such a difficult conversation. Sooner or later, adult children and their elderly parents need to talk about the parents' medical, financial and legal affairs. The inescapable truth is that at some point the responsibility will fall upon the children to ensure the quality of the parents' care, to carry out their wishes and to finalize their personal affairs. Having an effective dialogue about this will depend on the family's unique circumstances, the parent's mental, emotional and physical condition and the quality of family relationships. Here are seven tips for successfully discussing these sensitive private matters.

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Clarify And Neutralize Your Intentions First

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Be ruthlessly honest with yourself about your intentions. If your motivation is to protect your inheritance or to minimize the possibility of your parents becoming a burden to you, your conversation with them will likely fail miserably. On the other hand, if you are sincerely and compassionately concerned for their well-being, they will likely be open to and grateful for your assistance. If you can't leave your personal agenda at the door, then encourage your parents to meet with professional advisers and stay out of their affairs. Also, be clear with yourself and your parents about your own time and energy constraints.

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Be ruthlessly honest with yourself about your intentions. If your motivation is to protect your inheritance or to minimize the possibility of your parents becoming a burden to you, your conversation with them will likely fail miserably. On the other hand, if you are sincerely and compassionately concerned for their well-being, they will likely be open to and grateful for your assistance. If you can't leave your personal agenda at the door, then encourage your parents to meet with professional advisers and stay out of their affairs. Also, be clear with yourself and your parents about your own time and energy constraints.

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Above all else, be gentle, kind, loving and supportive - treat your parents as you would wish to be treated.

I welcome your comments.

 

 

 

Comments

[Joanne Tomasch]

05:39 PM on 07/20/2010

Wonder how you would write this article based on the older parent(s) being proactive and bringing these topics to their children. Just spent the morning with a group of my friends of the "older parent variety" who are engaging in such discussions. How to balance concerns for our aging process with children's difficulty in facing the inevitable? The delicate dance of choosing life while facing death. I'd be interested in hearing your insights from this perspective.

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

10:15 AM on 07/21/2010

I like your reference to "the delicate dance". Indeed, the dialogue might be opened by parent or child and each has particular issues to face. I remember when my mother was dying, how hard it was to let her go, yet how sweet and tender it was to be together in a deeply heartfelt way beyond the realm of our petty grievences. Regardless of who initiates the process of facing the reality of what is happening, it is our love for one another that gets us through and gives us the courage to be vulnerable to the dance together. I think we choose life by choosing loving rather than depression, anger, withdrawal or any of the other ways that we might block each other out of sharing the truth of our experience and our awareness of our utter lack of control in the face of death. We may not have control over the mysteries of death, but we do have each other.
Blessings,
Judith

[kkrimmer]

12:13 PM on 07/20/2010

Long term care is important enough that the US Govt has set up a website with good information such as; at least 70 percent of people over age 65 will require some long-term care services at some point in their lives. (www.longtermcare.gov)

With about 10% buying private insurance many Americans will spend their life savings paying for long term care. (www.guidetolongtermcare.com) Once their savings are gone they can apply for Medicaid. The Deficit Reduction Act made it possible for states to have Partnership insurance programs to protect your assets from Medicaid. (www.nationalltc.com)

Although it's not a popular subject, the very high possibility of needing long term care should motivate people to protect their families with some kind of planning.

[meripooch]

10:52 AM on 07/20/2010

thanks for giving us the tools to work with ..... judith johnson makes this difficult task very
surmountable..... another great piece. thank you.

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

09:37 AM on 07/21/2010

Thanks for being my fan!
Blessings,
Judith

[Damiano Iocovozzi MSN NP]

10:01 AM on 07/20/2010

Wonderful Ms. Johnson! Very apropos for today. May I add a little something here since end of life care is my specialty. Make sure you include a separate discussion for writing the advance health care directive (AHCD). This document is probably the most important as it will save your parent a horrible nightmare of a death experience they may not want. What occurs if your parent remains a "full code" is this: a violent code blue, intubation and life support. It is not the TV variety. What is more gentle is the death experience at home with supervising hospice nurses for the last six months of life. The AHCD is a legal document that instructs the providers to save your life or let nature take its course. Please come to my web page at soonerorlaterbook.com which is a kind of roadmap for parents as it explains everything about sane choices. You may also listen to a short Internet TV video where I explain what really occurs during a code blue. If your parent has advanced old age, a terminal illness, or dementia, being a full code is not the way to go Listen to my short video for more information by clicking the following link: http://www.viddler.com/explore/TalkingBooksTV/videos/27/. I have spent 23 years at the bedside. Sincerely, Damiano de Sano Iocovozzi MSN FNP CNS at the Thomas Edwin Walls Foundation

[Rev. Judith Johnson, Ph.D.]

09:36 AM on 07/21/2010

Thank you for your suggestion regarding the advance health care directives. Yes, I do plan to write about them as well as the health care proxy and DNR. Many people are confused and ill-informed about these critically important documents. Thank you also for providing your resources. I've ordered a copy of your book and look forward to reading it.
Blessings,
Judith