Below the surface of many family holiday gatherings are mini dramas playing out, contemporary grudges and resentments and unresolved childhood issues. Nothing hurts with such emotional depth as these familial battles. For the tender-hearted, this can be a psychological mine field while self-righteous bullies reign unchallenged. Many silently suffer through these events while dutifully and unconsciously assuming their childhood role as the family black sheep or underdog. Those in secondary roles are often either complicit or oblivious, leaving the underdog to fend for his or herself. Here are seven strategies for doing it differently this year.
Strategy 1: See it for what it is. The bottom line of these battles is that they are mere reflections of the level of consciousness of the participants involved. Most bullies and tyrants have failed to evolve psychologically past their childhoods and are simply functioning out of a juvenile state of consciousness. Typically, they are caught in a win/lose mentality that drives them to perceive themselves as a winner at the expense of someone else. Putting you down is driven by a desperate attempt to put themselves up. In this sense, you are simply a means to an end and their attack on you is really nothing personal. You cannot evolve another person's consciousness for them. Any attempt to address the matter head on with them will simply further ignite their battle position. On the flip side of this, is there any merit to the accusations and judgments lodged against you? If so, are you willing or able to change? If so, only do so for your own highest good and not to seek the approval of others.
Strategy 2: Stay conscious in the present and study how the dynamic works. Remember, it takes two to tango. Play detective with the situation and notice how this other person gets to you. Is it through sarcastic remarks? Giving you the silent treatment? Disdainful looks? Just how do they communicate their rejection and judgment of you? How do they hook you into their game? Pay attention to your own behavior as well. Do you comply by feeling and behaving like a victim? Do you try to defend yourself against their attacks? Does this drama dominate your entire experience? How do you buy in to this other person's point of view?
Strategy 3: Stand tall in your own integrity and truth. Be at the cause of your own behavior rather than at the effect of others. Stop behaving in relationship to this person. Don't buy into the familiar emotional territory of your childhood. Be your own grown-up person. Stop focusing on them and focus on yourself. Be who you know yourself to be rather than jumping into the underdog or black sheep costume of your childhood. Get out of reactionary mode and simply be yourself. By moving your attention away from the bully, you stop feeding on or into the situation.
Strategy 4: Stop wanting or expecting the other person to change. Before entering the situation, psyche yourself up. Remind yourself that this other person is probably never going to change his or her behavior toward you. Make your consciousness big enough to let that happen without being the center of your attention. Make peace with it. Let it be so without trying to change it in any way. Focus instead on learning how to stay true to yourself in the presence of someone who belittles you. Stop giving them your power. Remember that both of you have the freedom to choose how you will behave. Take the high road and don't expect them to join you.
Strategy 5: Practice forgiveness. If you find yourself having a hard time with the situation, launch yourself into forgiveness mode in the privacy of your own mind. Forgive yourself for judging yourself for any judgments you have against yourself or the other person. Keep doing this as judgments come up. Neutralize them with forgiveness. If you don't really feel the forgiveness, do it anyway -- fake it till you make it.
Strategy 6: Step free of the drama and choose to have a healthy, good time. Setting and holding to the intention of doing it differently goes a very long way. Choose out of the drama and into having an authentically good time. Give more of your attention and interest to other people at the gathering. Help out in the kitchen. Just find some way to do it all differently. If you typically sit in a corner, get up and mingle. Find a buffer -- someone you can engage with to shift your focus. Just do whatever it takes to keep moving your attention away from the drama and into finding new ways to be with your family. By doing it differently, you will elicit different responses.
Strategy 7: Strike out on your own for the holidays. If your family gatherings are simply unbearable for you, don't go! There is no law that you have to spend the holidays with your family. What does the holiday mean to you? If it is about being with your family -- then figure out how to do that using the first six strategies above and evolve a place for yourself that nurtures and supports you. If the meaning of the holiday is about the deeper religious message it brings, then find other people to be with who share your beliefs. Maybe you just want to have a light-hearted time. If so, then give yourself the gift of creating that for yourself with our without other people. Take ownership of your own experience and create a happy and blessed holiday for yourself.
The holidays come and go every year. Don't stay stuck in a bad emotional drama. The willingness to do it differently will always create the means and ability you need. Trust yourself and have the courage to step free. Happy holidays, everyone.
Please feel free to leave a comment below, or to contact me at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com. You can also retweet this post, share it on Facebook or email it to friends who may enjoy it. To learn more about me, visit my website, www.judithjohnson.com or my Facebook page "Tending to Your Ending." For information on my future blogs, click "Fan" at the top of this page.
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party was completely intolerable. But I didn't want to deprive the kids of seeing their
cousins. So, my solution was to arrive as a family and then, after a half-hour or so,
I would excuse myself to attend the Christmas Eve bell choir / lessons & carols service
at a local church. I would sit up in the balcony and thoroughly enjoy the beautiful music.
And no one can diss you for going to church on Christmas Eve !
It was the one activity my MIL could not prevent me from doing.
You may love your kids, but not like some of them - same goes for other relatives.
There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Learn to be alone with yourself and enjoy your own company.
Using a fib to avoid arguments - even if you are not involved - gossip, having others ask you to take sides, listening to spoiled brats whine and cry (mostly teen-agers) to me is better than the possibility of getting so fed up that I lose my temper and tell someone what I really, really think!
i avoid the haughty,
the jealous and
the naughty
life too short for
such stuff
i have already been
through enough
Initially I thought everyone loved the others and wanted warm, joyous Christmas celebrations. Wrong. After a couple years, I realized that they thrived on sarcasm, passive aggressive behavior, and overt feuding. If each one didn't have cause to quarrel, pout, or seethe with resentment, they made up something or picked a fight. And they would insist on dragging everyone else in. The only way to avoid involvement was to leave.
Refusal to participate in their annual blood-letting actually ended my relationship with all of them but one. They were like Bush's proclamation (to paraphrase: "if you won't fight on our side, you are against us")
But I had expected that and walked away from these people gladly. It was the only joyous thing I ever did that concerned them.
There is no reason to participate in something that causes discomfort, pain, or anger for yourself or anyone else. And people whose relationships are built on antagonism are not going to change. They aren't happy until they and everyone around them are miserable.
She wanted to leave after half an hour.
I say if you're going to be around people who aren't that "nice to you," you're an adult and deserve respect. Go somewhere where they like you.
If they don't respect you, you deserve something better.
tired of them blaming the causes of their problems on everyone else. I would move out if I could, but
I can't.
Fanned !!!
Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage;
Minds innocent and quiet take
That for an hermitage;
If I have freedom in my love
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone, that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty.
No matter what our outer circumstances, including the toxicity of others around us, I think we are each responsible for ourselves and the quality of our inner experience. While we are often helpless in terms of changing the attitudes and behaviors of others, we can honor ourselves by creating personal boundaries that do not allow others to rain on our own little parade. I do hope you find a way to create some peace and joy for yourself in this situation until you are able to get out of it entirely.