How To Know If You Emotionally Exhaust Others

In my medical practice, I've developed enormous respect for the art of relationships, what makes them work or fail. In all successful relationships, whether with family, friends, or co-workers it's vital that each person honestly examine his or her behavior and be willing to discuss it and change.

In this spirit, I find it useful to regularly assess how we're relating to others--specifically if our behavior may be draining. In my book "Emotional Freedom" I discuss different types of draining people you may encounter who I call "emotional vampires." These include, for instance, the chronic talker, the narcissist and the drama queen. (See my blog, "Who is the Emotional Vampire in Your Life?") But inevitably, we've all got a bit of vampire in us, especially when we're stressed. So, give yourself a break. It's admirable to admit, "I think I'm draining my spouse. What can I do?" You can't begin to make changes in your life without this type of honesty. The solution is to own up to where you may be draining -- then change the behavior. As a psychiatrist, I believe it's those with real power who can step up first to surrender their ego, admit shortcomings, all in service of loving communication.

For instance, one of my patients, in computer graphics, kept hammering his wife with a poor-me attitude about how he always got stuck with boring projects at work. Instead of trying to improve the situation, he just kvetched. She started dreading those conversations, and diplomatically mentioned it to him. This motivated my patient to address the issue with his supervisor, which got him more stimulating assignments. Similarly, whenever I slip into vampire mode, I try to examine and alter my behavior or else discuss the particulars with a friend or a therapist so I can change. Don't hesitate to seek assistance when you're stumped.

To find out if you're behavior is draining take the Am I an Emotional Vampire quiz (from "Emotional Freedom.")

Listed below are some common indications that you're becoming an emotional vampire. Mark "Yes" or "No" for each of the questions and give yourself one point for every "Yes" response.

• Do people avoid you or glaze over during a conversation? Yes / No
• Are you self-obsessed? Yes / No
• Are you often negative? Yes / No
• Do you gossip or bad-mouth people? Yes / No
• Are you critical, and/or controlling? Yes / No
• Are you a drama queen or king? Yes / No
• Do you corner people and tell them your whole life story? Yes / No
• Are you in an emotional black hole, but won't get help? Yes / No

Results of the quiz:
Give each "yes" response one point and count up your score.

Your Score: 0 Points
Congratulations! There are no signs that you are being an emotional vampire.

Your Score: 1 Point
This behavior could be draining others. Start being mindful of when you do this and begin to shift the behavior. Then see if people are relieved.

Your Score: 2 Points
These are warning signs that you may becoming emotionally draining to others. Ask yourself what is motivating you to engage is these draining behaviors and move forward to make positive changes.

Your Score: 3 Points
You are showing some emotional vampire tendencies. It is time to compassionately examine your behaviors and begin to make a change. Do not beat yourself up. Be proud that you can be emotionally honest and want to be more positive.

Your Score: 4 Points
You are showing moderate emotional vampire tendencies. Take a breath. Begin to tackle each behavior individually over time and take baby steps to change. For instance, if you tend to be self-obsessed you can begin to ask others about themselves. Celebrate every change you make to be supportive.

Your Score: 5 Points
You are showing moderate-strong emotional vampire behaviors. You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior--such as nagging or being critical. Then you can begin to be mindful of when you fall into it and start to change.

Your Score: 6 Points
You are showing strong emotional vampire behaviors. You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior--such as being negative but being unwilling to get help. Seriously consider their suggestions about how to improve your communication. Be compassionate with yourself all along the way.

Your Score: 7 Points
You are showing strong to extremely strong emotional vampire behaviors. Be kind to yourself and set out to make small changes to improve one behavior at a time.

Your Score: 8 Points
You have extremely strong emotional vampire behaviors that can be draining others in your life. Commend yourself for your honesty, but begin to understand what motivates you. Is it fear? Feeling less-than? Anger? Don't hesitate to ask for help -- from friends who can offer honest feedback or a therapist. People around you will appreciate the positive changes you make.

The remedy for these draining behaviors is to start shifting your attitude. Journaling about this can help. Ask yourself, "Is there a particular trigger that creates the situation? If so, then how can you avoid the trigger? How can you become aware of when you fall into this attitude? Are there people you respect who could help you?" Now write out an action plan to shift these attitudes. Remember to be kind to yourself and begin with small changes -- baby steps. Taking action can help solve the problem quickly as opposed to many emotional vampires who stay stuck in patterns for years. I promise: your relatives, friends, and coworkers will appreciate your efforts and your relationships will dramatically improve!

 

 

 

Follow Judith Orloff MD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JudithOrloffMD

Comments

[White Raven]

09:11 PM on 10/27/2011

I look at this list of behaviors and think this happens to be the majority of people.

[Hugatreetoday]

01:28 PM on 10/27/2011

I have a friend that I am convinced has a personality disorder, or even more than one. She displays both narcissistic and borderline traits. It is near impossible to have a conversation with her anymore as she is always contradictory &/or it always ends up being "about her". She claims she is just "frank and honest". Don't dare disagree with her either in that regard. I've had to distance myself because she is indeed an emotional vampire. :(

[Rebecca Davison]

07:21 AM on 10/26/2011

I can be like this sometimes...sometimes I'm the polar opposite..I can either be the most positive optimist or if i'm in a really bad place can turn into what's depicted here. Not a nice thing...wake up call!! I'm going to work hard on letting that side of me go and be who I really am...the nice, happy, confident girl.

[beth24]

11:51 PM on 10/25/2011

how do you distance from a 88 year old vampire mom who needs you everyday

[beth24]

11:46 PM on 10/25/2011

great book my mother has always and is draining our family..i have to work on my complaining habit that i learned from mom she doesnt realize it she is doing it she is ap[oerful communicator but if you dont raise the boundary she will step right in and devour..much needed book! thank you!

[meek the geek]

03:18 PM on 10/25/2011

These questions are WAY to subjective. You might as well just make the quiz one question: "Are you an emotional vampire?" One yes answer = Yes, you are.

[mrbasebal1]

12:14 PM on 10/25/2011

I know a guy who, if he was drowning in the ocean and you threw him a life preserver, would complain about the color of the life preserver and claim that life preservers hurt his back. Then, while he was still drowning, he would pull out his phone and start sending messages to others complaining about how insensitive you are for throwing a life preserver at him. While the story is fictional, the guy is real. He hasn't had a job in over 20 years, lost his house to foreclosure while buying a new computer, big screen TV and other accessories, and he refuses to get a job. Any time someone sends the guy a job posting, he finds something wrong with it, no matter what. He even sabotaged his only job interview by making sure to do everything the experts tell you not to do. It was as if he took an article on what not to do and made it his own personal checklist of things to try in order to keep from being offered a job. He keeps claiming that he was an independent sales rep and that he made a good living for years, but now is just a victim of the bad economy. The guy was even offered a house to live in rent free and he complained about how it smelled and that there was a dog living next door that he didn't like.

[ameliaparvaneh]

02:07 AM on 10/25/2011

I'm not 100% sure about the term "emotional vampire." It seems a bit.. dehumanizing. Everyone is needy and annoying sometimes. I know some people who bond by complaining to each other, but they seem to get recharged from the experience, and it doesn't prevent them from doing what they need to do. In that case - when the people are matched - I think it can work. However, I agree with the author that the problem is when one person is draining another person without noticing or caring; it's unbalanced. So it's not so much about the behavior per se, but more about who you are doing it to and why. I teach at a university, and although I care about my students and offer support when I can, I cannot seem to make it across campus without running into 2 or 3 students who attach to me and begin to tell me their stories of woe. I am not sure why I attract this, but it can be incredibly draining and does lend some credit to the vampire metaphor.

[American Subversive]

12:45 AM on 10/25/2011

I have a sister who very much fits the characterization illustrated by the author. In fact, she scored 6 out of 8 on the "emotional vampire quiz". It is really heartbreaking to have to make the decision to put significant space between yourself, and a family member who ideally should be very close to you, for the sake of your own emotional well being. My sister would either deny the existence of, or place responsibility elsewhere, rather than take responsibility for her 6 out of 8 quiz score.

[Gnomeo]

11:04 PM on 10/23/2011

Reading this got me to thinking about relationships in general. Although all of us kind of have a default personality state, still we tend towards relating to and interacting with different people differently. Sometimes how we approach this depends upon social setting, the roles we are in at the time or how we perceive the other person in the relationship. I'm reminded of work I've done in care homes with seniors ranging in age from 65 to 95 and certainly how I interacted with these folks (i.e., my expectations for the quality or nature of such interactions) varied considerably from how I would interact with a co-worker my age. For sure it wouldn't have seemed appropriate for me to require emotional support from them, yet if somebody there passed away crying alongside with one of them might.

Some of the behaviors on this list, I saw in folks there especially around holidays while they were waiting for visits or phone calls from family members (that possibly never manifested) yet I also saw their diminished cognitive skills, their physical struggles, etc. It didn't seem like they were emotional vampires draining me, but that they were fragile people sometimes needing reassurance. I can imagine many other contexts too, so possibly the subject is really not so general as it might seem.

Anyway, great article and I appreciate the chance to reflect.

[John Di Saia]

07:36 PM on 10/23/2011

"Emotional black hole" should get more than 1 point. lol.

[John Di Saia]

07:35 PM on 10/23/2011

People don't readily change their behaviors. They more often than not gravitate back to who they are.

[adelynmetze]

04:17 PM on 10/23/2011

I think I am an emotional vampire sometimes. So I isolate. Hooray for maladaptive coping mechanisms right? I'm also drained by crowds of people and being over stimulated. So I isolate.

[KimDC]

06:32 PM on 10/24/2011

I also used to have some of these qualities. I was an introvert for a long time into young adulthood, and I isolate, and I still don't really know how to make friends with someone. I got into volunteer work and found it really helped me be less isolated and seeing someone succeed made me feel really good inside, so I had less "vampire" qualities. I thought maybe something like this might be of use to you which is why I choose to share it.

[American Subversive]

12:52 AM on 10/25/2011

Being drained by crowds of people and being over stimulated, more accurately falls into the category of being introverted. I can relate.

[Gloria Con]

03:10 PM on 10/23/2011

lol sounds like my brother's girl friend.

[Scholastica8]

01:30 PM on 10/23/2011

What do you do when Everybody seems to drain you no matter what they are doing or how they are acting... and then when things are actually stressful, the amount of energy drained becomes a physical issue of headaches and exhaustion?

[Mokum]

02:25 PM on 10/23/2011

You are probably a sensitive person and this might be draining you.
Examine what you are feeling: is this emotion I'm feeling mine or somebody else's?
Try to distance yourself emotionally from the person or situation that is draining you.
I know, it's hard but with practice it can be done.

[Scholastica8]

02:52 PM on 10/23/2011

It's always been this way, so in group situations I have to raise the barrier... and if the situation involves a lot of people and their emotion.... doesn't even need to be stress... it can be at a concert or sporting event.... the barrier is battered..... and I might have to leave. I might even have to leave a crowded movie.

However, I have no fear of crowds... it's not any sort of phobia or panic. I just start feeling physically bad once it reaches a certain point.

When my mom and I would go shopping at Xmas in the malls, if the mall was crowded, I'd reach a point where I'd say, "We have to go. I can't breathe." It's like I've had all the air sucked out of me. I become physically weak and light-headed.

Also don't much like being touched. As hugging has become more popular, I've had to train myself not to totally stiffen and to just allow it. It can almost be like an electrical shock.

I can't let anyone know when I've suffered the loss of a pet, or even when my parents died. I can handle my own emotions, but not theirs and their attempts to comfort overwhelm me. With my folks, I was lucky because there was no other family left, no surviving friends. It's not that their emotions compound my own, but that their emotions slam me.

[65-Still Alive]

10:33 PM on 10/24/2011

You may well be an "empath" who unknowingly takes on the emotions of the people that you come in contact with.
Try this little trick. The next time you feel stressed, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and
say to yourself "I release all that is not mine". You may may feel a strong sense of relief.