4 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People (Video)

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself."
--Saint Francis de Sales

Every day there are plenty of good reasons to be frustrated: another long line, telemarketers, a goal that isn't materializing "fast enough," people who don't do what they're supposed to, rejection, disappointment. How does one deal with it all? You can drive yourself crazy, behave irritably, feel victimized or try to force an outcome -- all self-defeating reactions that alienate others and bring out the worst in others. Alternatively, you can learn to transform your frustration with patience.

As a psychiatrist, I help others see that patience doesn't mean passivity or resignation but power. It's an emotionally freeing practice of waiting, watching and knowing when to act. To many people, when you say, "Have patience," it feels unreasonable and inhibiting, an unfair stalling of goals. In contrast, I'm presenting patience as a form of compassion, a way to regain your center in a world filled with frustration.

In "Emotional Freedom," I discuss how to transform frustration with patience. To tame frustration, begin by evaluating its present role in your life, how much it limits your capacity to be happy. The following quiz will let you know where you are now so that you can grow freer by developing patience.

Frustration Quiz: How Frustrated Am I?

To determine your success at coping with this emotion, ask yourself:

• Am I often frustrated and irritable?
• Do I typically respond to frustration by snapping at or blaming others?
• Do I self-medicate letdowns with junk food, drugs or alcohol?
• Do my reactions hurt other people's feelings?
• When the frustration has passed, do I usually feel misunderstood?
• During a hard day at work, do I tend to lose my cool?
• When I'm disappointed, do I often feel unworthy or like giving up?

Answering "yes" to five to seven questions indicates an extremely high level of frustration. Three to five "yeses" indicates a high level. Two "yeses" indicates a moderate level. One "yes" indicates a low level. Zero "yeses" suggests that you're dealing successfully with this emotion.

Even if your frustration is off the charts, patience is the cure. In today's world there are plenty of opportunities to cultivate this invaluable skill. Life teaches patience if you let it.

When someone frustrates you, always take a breath first before you react. Decide if you want to talk now or wait to calm down. If you're highly reactive and upset, have the discussion later, when you're calmer; you'll be more persuasive and less threatening. At that time, use this approach:

1. Focus on a specific issue; don't escalate or mount a personal attack. For instance, say, "I feel frustrated when you promise to do something but there isn't follow-through." Do not resort to threats or insults. In an even, non-blaming tone, lead with how the behavior makes you feel rather than how you think the other person is wrong.
2. Listen non-defensively without reacting or interrupting. It's a sign of respect to hear a person's point of view, even if you disagree. Avoid an aggressive tone or body language. Try not to squirm with discomfort or judge.
3. Intuit the feelings behind the words When you can appreciate someone's motivation, it's easier to be patient. Try to sense if this person is frightened, insecure or up against a negative part of themselves that they've never confronted. If so, realize that this can be painful. See what change they're open to.
4. Respond with clarity and compassion This attitude takes others off the defensive so that they're more comfortable admitting their part in causing frustration. Describe everything in terms of remedies to a specific task rather than generalizing. State your needs. For instance, say, "I'd really appreciate you not shouting at me even if I disappoint you." If the person is willing to try, show how pleased you are. Validate their efforts: "Thanks for not yelling at me. I really value your understanding." See if the behavior improves. If not, you may have to minimize contact and/or expectations.

In communication, patience is a powerful emotional currency. As you're more able to tolerate the discomfort of frustration and not blow it by acting out, your relationships will function on a higher level. In any interchange, always define what you're after. Is it to resolve a specific frustrating behavior? To say "no" to participating in a dead-end pattern? Or is it to simply convey your feelings without expectation of change? Even if the frustration is irresolvable, patience sets the right tone to treat others and yourself respectfully.

 

 

 

Follow Judith Orloff MD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JudithOrloffMD

Comments

[athenasword]

01:14 PM on 05/15/2011

Wonderful post. Thank you, Judith. Fantastic insights from a masterful teacher.

[Benjo333]

04:46 PM on 05/13/2011

passive aggressive works the best I think....be sweet and get away.

[Terri Lorz]

04:44 PM on 05/13/2011

Thanks - that was insightful. Terri Jo Lorz

[Jokergirl]

08:18 PM on 05/12/2011

Ignore them usually or be really, really nice to them, that makes them steam up. I don't deal with difficult people, you just have to learn to tell someone to go to hell with a smile on your face without using those exact words.

[Melanie Hansen Spjut]

07:44 PM on 05/12/2011

Very good advice. Thank you.

[LivelyLexie]

11:45 AM on 05/12/2011

I don't really get annoyed with people, or at least I try my best not to. I just relax and remember that people probably think I'm difficult sometimes, too.

[TheLibraryOfCodex]

06:00 AM on 05/12/2011

I deal with difficult people by avoiding them whenever possible and not wasting my time with them

[ColumbiaPatricia]

09:36 AM on 05/12/2011

That is exactly what you should do. Mom was right, it does take two to make an argument. I simply do not engage and move on. Wish I had taken this route in my youth.

[InedaName]

10:43 PM on 05/12/2011

Agreed. I deal with them only when it is completely unavoidable and not for one second more than is necessary.

[french queen13]

11:56 PM on 05/11/2011

Sometimes the difficulty is not with a person being awkward, but because their memory, mobility or whatever - their health - is going, such as the case with an elderly parent. That's the sort of frustration I have and it takes a big effort to summon patience and compassion, sometimes.

[cheryl tobin]

02:11 PM on 05/11/2011

I just recognize difficult people are mentally disturbed and make every effort to get and stay away from them. If I have to deal with them I just tell myself they are not sane people and I feel sorry for them. I don't take it personally.

[ras121s]

04:17 PM on 05/12/2011

I'm not really sure how I feel about your comment. I work in a mental health clinic and take offense that you assume anyone who is difficult is "mentally disturbed". People with mental illness aren't always difficult, and difficult people don't always have a mental illness. Some people are just jerks - and while it would be convenient to call them "mentally disturbed", they are proabably aware of their actions, in complete control of their actions, and don't wish to change their actions - and that doesn't make them mentally ill, it just makes them jerks.

[cheryl tobin]

10:24 AM on 05/13/2011

I agree that many people diagnosed with a mental illness can be very nice people but I also believe that people who behave in a difficult manner are not jerks but mentally disturbed. Mentally healthy and happy people do not behave in a difficult manner. Sorry you take offense to my comment but as I stated previously I don't take it personally.

[WoodsideCraig]

11:07 AM on 05/11/2011

When I have difficult customers that are clearly unreasonable, I just cut a deal with them, usually to my disadvantage and move on.

It keeps my focus on better opportunities, rather than being locked in battle with crazy people.

[Terri Lorz]

11:05 AM on 05/11/2011

Good advice - much harder in practice than in writing. Thanks - Terri Jo Lorz

[Social Construct]

09:58 AM on 05/11/2011

Sound advice. Well done! Over the years, I've found, more often than not, many of the people that are my superiors (in the business sense) are, indeed, very insecure in the decisions and direction parts of their jobs. Being passionately pro labor, this understanding and some empathy goes a long way in negotiating. I may not always get what I'm after, but I don't make too many enemies, either. It helps a great deal when the next challenge comes along.