The Difference Between Lust and Love

As a psychiatrist, I've seen how intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and intuition in the most sensible people. Why? Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. The brain in this phase may be much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the area that "lights up" (becomes active) when an addict gets a fix of cocaine is the same area that "lights up" when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Also, in the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection -- you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be -- rather than seeing the real person, flaws and all.

In my book "GUIDE TO INTUITIVE HEALING" I discuss the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy -- it often dissipates when the "real person" surfaces. It's the stage of wearing rose-colored glasses when he or she "can do no wrong." Being in love doesn't exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.

Signs of lust:

• You're totally focused on a person's looks and body.
• You're interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.
• You'd rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
• You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
• You are lovers, but not friends.

Signs of love:

• You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
• You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
• You want to honestly listen to each other's feelings, make each other happy.
• He or she motivates you to be a better person.
• You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn't easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it's essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you're attracted to someone. This needn't pull the plug on passion, but it'll make you more aware so you don't go looking for trouble.

Four negative gut feelings about relationships:

1. A little voice in your gut says "danger" or "beware."
2. You have a sense of malaise, discomfort or feeling drained after you're together.
3. Your attraction feels destructive or dark.
4. You're uncomfortable with how this person is treating you, but you're afraid that if you mention it, you'll push him or her away.

Over the years, I've spoken at women's prisons and domestic violence centers. My talk, "How Listening to Your Gut Can Prevent Domestic Violence," focuses on showing women how to identify and act on their inner voice. The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many women who'd been in abusive relationships admitted, "My gut initially told me something was wrong -- but I ignored it." The pattern was consistent. They'd say, "I'd meet a man. At first he'd be charming, sexy, sweep me off my feet. The electricity between us was amazing. I'd write off the voice in my gut that said, 'You'd better watch out,' as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked." Some gut instincts though, are anything but subtle. On a first date, one woman landed in the hospital with an IV, retching from "psychosomatic" abdominal pain. But did that stop her from seeing the guy? No. From these women we gain a real-world lesson: no matter how irresistibly attractive someone appears, close attention to your gut will enable you to see beneath exteriors.

It's so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you're not always guarding against a basic suspicion or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, "This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy." To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve.

 

 

 

Follow Judith Orloff MD on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JudithOrloffMD

Comments

[Joseph Burgo PhD]

05:35 PM on 06/24/2011

Wonderful piece. The link to addiction you mention in the first paragraph explains why falling in lust becomes such a difficult pattern to break. It functions very much like a drug, perhaps the greatest drug we humans know. When its effects begin to wear off and that particular partner-drug no longer works, we just go looking for a better fix elsewhere.

http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/love-junkies

[LoveAddict Book]

03:29 PM on 07/29/2011

Being addicted to lust is very common. There is a type of love addict called the Infatuation Addict, they flit from one romance to the next, rarely getting into a long-term relationship because, after all, “getting to know you, getting to know all about you” is exciting and “meat loaf—
again?” is boring. Novelty is the great aphrodisiac.

[laurarpeter]

03:11 PM on 06/18/2011

What a great article! If I had listened to my gut with one bozo I was in lust with, I never would have been injured. Soon after the bozo incident, my Mom gave me a book called "The Gift of Fear" & the author mentions the same warning gut reflexes as above. I was so naive back then and ignored my gut feelings on bozo. In the ten years since, I have steered clear of men who make my stomach hurt & have stayed healthy and happy. This article is right on the money.

[Chad Brewer]

12:28 PM on 06/17/2011

Nice article

[jeansrme79]

11:07 AM on 06/17/2011

Thank you so much for this article. You made it so clear after so many years of trying to figure out the difference between the two. Sometimes it's so hard because you want it so badly to be one or the other but the important thing to keep in mind that by fooling yourself you are only hurting yourself. And if your like me who really was in limbo a little of not knowing the difference and not wanting to know the truth than you need to do what Dr Judith says to do. "tune in" all your answers will come the fog will be lifted and the healing will begin. Thank you Dr Orloff, in the few readings that I have done of yours more healing has come than the years of psychotherapy. You are such a special soul. God Bless!!!

[footdoc004]

07:07 AM on 06/17/2011

I think Dr. Orloff hits the nail on the head when she refers to people reverting to the primal sense or instinct when aroused by another person. This powerful force makes people act without thinking and get into big trouble. Good job doc.From Kolkata [e-mail]

[BIG-PICTURE]

12:52 AM on 06/17/2011

LOVE AND LUST - the difference is the energy that one manifests. Today with the dark energies that are entangled within people, you are not only sleeping with one person, but all the darkness that is within their aura. And we are forever energy. Dis-ease and disfunction is the new dis-ease 'cause of male medical issues revolving around their energy entwined in porn, as the audience. If you participate in that energy stream online, you are connected to the thousands, if not millions of 'the same low dense COLLECTIVE energy.'... Woman who are internal beings, carry this vibration within their being and they too are developing at a rapid rate dis-eases and lack of sexual stimulation. The art of tantric will return when one elevates their consciousness and discovers that sexual pleasure is as much about the 'new energy' transformation both in healing and pleasure... that IT is the union of two, not the marriage and license, but the joining of two that becomes the 'divine ONENESS...

[livefortruth]

12:03 AM on 06/17/2011

Judith, I don't think you got through to most.

I wish you had.

[quovadiszero]

04:10 PM on 06/16/2011

The Great Betrayer,,,,, HORMONES,,,, confuse your emotions and usually render one incapable of unbiased feelings.....clear thinking comes when that passes.

[Irina Wardas]

01:41 PM on 06/16/2011

Thank you for sharing signs of love and lust with us. Sexual wellness is so important at any age if we want to feel and look fabulous. I am pretty sure that we, women, always have to listen to our intuition, because we are good at it... as well as use common sense, am I right?
Thank you for a helpful article and video tip.
Breathe, smile and be happy.
http://www.holistichealthtalkradioforwomen.com

[aurora59]

08:08 PM on 06/15/2011

I've been with my husband for nearly 16 years and we're still madly in love. Still lusting after each other too, even after all this time. We are fortunate to have both and work hard to hang onto our love AND keep the passion alive. Why should people have to settle for one or the other?

[twayside]

03:40 PM on 06/15/2011

There has to be room for both. Lust in the bedroom, love everywhere else. I guess it could be vice versa too. Whatever works for the couple. Regardless both is nice. Good to have reality & fantasy/romance. Just one or the other can make a relationship difficult.

[twayside]

03:26 PM on 06/15/2011

"You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing." Is it my fault that I have never had this kind of experience? Never in 39 years of life. Someone always wants something. Does it really exist? Maybe now that I am older ; )

[Jenlv]

06:32 PM on 06/15/2011

I'm 38, and have been friends with a man for over 4 years. We've always had this type of "getting lost in conversations" but never moved beyond friendship until recently as I've been terrified of losing my best friend. I'm so happy I finally took the chance! :) Yes, though, I think being older definatly helps!! Good luck!

[twayside]

07:11 PM on 06/15/2011

All my best sista'!

[fiibias]

07:19 PM on 06/15/2011

#Filled to capacity is the sentence a bowl; in spite of grouping You say what You have have saying.

[April Pells]

09:38 PM on 06/16/2011

I don't think it's a matter of fault-It's just something you've never done. And I can say, it does really happen. My husband and I have had lingering conversations for hours and it's wonderful. I hope it happens for you one day, if you're interested.

[oldstudent10]

01:31 PM on 06/15/2011

Love is action that benefits the other person in spite of the possible negatives to you (getting up at 3am to change my kid's diaper because it is good for my child's health regardless of if I desire to get up) and lust is looking to satisfy your own desires and may be good for the other person but that is secondary to you (getting my jollies and not focusing on my partner's needs).

Love is action (speaking with words that you truly care for others).
Lust is my desire for someone or something else.

The two are not even close to the same.

[Militant Leftist]

01:12 PM on 06/15/2011

Lust is the vehicle that eventually arrives at love. In order to maintain love and promote a long-term relationship, a realistic amount of that lustful spark must be kept alive.

[katiek2o]

08:35 AM on 06/15/2011

i think the best relationship starts with lust. stays with love

[Elleni]

09:04 PM on 06/16/2011

It's the opposite. The most exciting love affairs start with friendship- and then there's the glory of discovering you're in love with your best friend! Then you actually know who it is that you're in love with: no disappointments.

[cookcar]

12:11 AM on 06/17/2011

So with the friendship initially is there lust??? Or does the lust come with the love???