As a psychiatrist, I teach my patients the importance of learning how to deal effectively with draining people. In Emotional Freedom, I discuss one of these types, which I call "the victim mentality."
The victim grates on you with a poor-me attitude, and is allergic to taking responsibility for their actions. People are always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. They portray themselves as unfortunates who demand rescuing, and they will make you into their therapist. As a friend, you want to help, but you become overwhelmed by their endless tales of woe: A boyfriend stormed out... again, a mother doesn't understand, a diva-boss was ungrateful. When you suggest how to put an end to the pity party, they'll say, "Yes... but," then launch into more unsolvable gripes. These vampires may be so clingy they stick to you like flypaper.
Take the "Am I in a Relationship With a 'Victim'?" Quiz
If you typically get drawn into fixing other people's problems, chances are, you've attracted numerous victims into your life. To identify if you are in relationship with a victim mark, yes or no to the following characteristics:
Give each "yes" response one point and count your score. If your score is three or more, then you are probably in relationship with at victim. Interacting with this type of person can cause you to be irritated or drained, and will make you want to avoid them.
Strategies to Deal With a Victim Mentality:
Set Limits With an Iron Hand and a Velvet Glove
I love what Mahatma Gandhi says: "A 'no' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'yes' merely uttered to please, or, what is worse, to avoid trouble." Kind but firm limit-setting is healthy. People must take responsibility for their own lives. You're not in the business of fixing anyone. Enabling always backfires. Without limits, a relationship isn't on equal ground; and no one wins. You might well feel, "I'm sick and tired of your complaints." But instead, using a more measured tone, here's how to address some common situations.
Use These Methods to Deter Victims
With a Friend or Relative
Smile and say kindly, "Our relationship is important to me, but it's not helpful to keep feeling sorry for yourself. I can only listen for five minutes unless you're ready to discuss solutions." Get ready to be guilt-tripped. If the victim, irate, comes back with, "What kind of friend are you?" don't succumb to that ploy. Just reply, "I'm a great friend and I love you, but this is all I can offer."
With a Coworker
Sincerely respond, "I'm really sorry that's happening to you." Then, after listening briefly, smile and say, "I'll keep good thoughts for things to work out. I hope you understand, I'm on deadline and I must return to work." Simultaneously employ this-isn't-a-good-time body language -- crossing your arms, breaking eye contact, or even turning your back. The less you engage this victim, the better. (As I discuss in my book, studies reveal that most workers can barely focus for 11 minutes without being disturbed by an office mate!)
With Yourself
The way I snap out of victim mentality is by remembering how blessed my life is compared with much of our global family. I'm not fighting to survive genocide, poverty, or daily street violence from an insurgency militia. I have the luxury to feel lonely when I'm without a romantic partner or to get irked by an annoying person. I have the gift of time to surmount negative emotions. Seeing things this way stops me from wallowing, an imprisoning indulgence. So, when you think you're having a bad day, try to keep this kind of perspective.
Whether you're confronting a drainer or transforming your own negativity, being empathic is vital. Elevating you to the realm of the heart, empathy allows you to non-defensively understand, even have mercy on antagonizers. Also, you'll better intuit the feelings behind someone's words. If a friend complains that you're being selfish, the deeper meaning could be, "I'm hurt because we're not spending enough time together." With empathy, you're privy to hidden motives. Seeing people's frailties with compassion doesn't make you a doormat. Though you may not choose to subject yourself to them, you need not hold this suffering against them. Labeling someone "the enemy" is a spiritual wrong turn.
For more by Judith Orloff, MD, click here.
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Imo, work is a place for work. Period. Have fun after, but get it done. Take care of your own responsibilities. Know your responsibilities to others too. Do you/did you ever need help? Obviously don't do their jobs for them though.
I have been the one in need before & it is a terrible feeling when no one has time to have true patience and compassion. They may be over their heads emotionally & no where to turn. Seriously.
I don't know what happened to you, but this seems so cold. I think what the truer statement would be either:
'Hey, no one helped me' (even though you wished someone would have)
'I can't really deal with my own life, so I can't help you'
'Only my problems matter to me- not yours'
'I have no idea what to tell you. It is over my head.'
All callous & just as self centered as the victim which perpetuates both. I think there are so many answers to life & this is not one of them. Sorry but I disagree.