I talk to many parents who experience difficulties because they make decisions on the basis of what their children want instead of what is good for the family unit. These parents say they're too busy to take care of themselves (e.g., taking time to get exercise) because they're always driving their kids from place to place. They are loath to inconvenience their children by dropping them off at their grandparents' so they can take a long weekend for themselves. They avoid getting their kids upset by insisting that they get rid of old toys in an overly cluttered, messy room. They tolerate cell phones at the dinner table. In short, they operate on a child-centered basis.
These parents believe, "I should do whatever it takes to make my children happy." Ironically, many children whose parents hold this belief grow up to be less happy than others. They don't learn to respect and honor the needs and desires of other people. They believe the world owes them something. They get easily frustrated when thwarted. They handle disappointment poorly. They expect that everything should go their way.
A more adaptive belief for parents is: "If I want my kids to be happy, now and in the future, I need to help them function within a good family unit." The latter includes giving children responsibilities and chores, from as young an age as possible. Even three-year-old children can learn to put their own toys away. Most four year olds can clear their places after a meal. Five year olds can put their folded laundry in the bureau. And when they're a little older, they can help the household as a whole, for example, by taking turns to help in cooking or cleaning.
Functioning within the family unit may mean allowing children to be temporarily unhappy because it is sometimes more important for their parents to go for a walk than to play a game. It may mean letting children take other modes of transportation instead of insisting that a parent drive them wherever they want to go. It may mean trying to do their homework by themselves without depending on parental help.
Functioning within the family unit also means that children learn they are entitled to their negative emotions but may need to calm down (they may need to be taught self-calming techniques) so they don't take out their unhappiness on others. Once they are in a better frame of mind, they can approach their parent for help in solving the problem.
Parents need not, and should not, sacrifice their needs (and some of their desires) for the sake of their children. They should be able to make decisions based on what is good for individual family members, including themselves, and what is good for the family as a whole. Trying to overly please children will get the family in trouble, sooner or later.
Follow Judith S. Beck, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/beckinstitute
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It's a very sad life cause I don't look forward to going home after work because there's just no order in the house. Kids decide what they eat for dinner (usually treats, instead of what's on the menu). Another thing, my wife wants to be around her children 24/7/365. They can't visit family members during the holidays, but other kids must come for visits. After getting married we didn't even go to honeymoon. I had no problem with this since they were still young by then (5 &3). But now it's becoming a rule to take them along on all vacations. In short, my wife doesn't want to make time for us to be together, even if family members ask her to bring them over for vacation.
I have had it with this family. I am planning to get a divorce and take charge of my happiness.
I'm a single mother of a (now grown) son and I (still) see myself all through this article. I love spending time with my son and doing things for him, his happiness is always going to be my priority but I would very much love to find a way to balance that with having my own *self* centered life without drowning in a sea of guilt. Mind you my son doesn't make me feel this way, I do it to myself.
I think it's very important for parents to understand that there are inborn characteristics that are at least partly responsible for how kids turn out and don't think your parenting style is to blame (or praise) for what kind of adult your kids become.
My daughter went nuts -the little monsters were so out of control--"Where is their respect for us? This is stupid!! As she and her beloved are expecting a child next month--she has the prerequsite 10 theories until she has her child and they all go out the window--in 30 years I never had so much breakage, ruin and dismay in having guests for what once was my favorite holiday...I am not sure they will be invited back!! The hostess and her stuff deserve some respect!
(1) My marriage
(2) the kids
(3) everything else.
Without a good marriage there is no family unit, so the marriage has to come first. Kids are next, because they are the most important thing in your life.
Thank you for saying so succinctly what so many need to hear and understand.
Ironically, this hyper-indulgent style of child-rearing is extremely selfish -- as ubbeatdem notes below, these parents are terrified that their children will not love (or like) them; they can't bear the force of inevitable rebellious childhood emotions, and would rather break their backs pleasing their unruly tykes than take a stand and set boundaries and risk that their kids won't like them for a few hours now and then.
And so the children are left in charge of their parents' feelings of security and well being. I can't think of a more dysfunctional arrangement than that...
And from this, the children learn from self-indulgence from the parents' conscious example, and confuse selfishness with selflessness from the parents' unconscious example -- as, no doubt, these parents view themselves as extremely selfless.
Another fave, as I am already a fan.
PREACH Ms. Carol!