It's that time again when divorced families start to worry about how to handle the holidays. I know because at the end of November I begin to get calls for advice from newspapers, friends and strangers as far away as Amsterdam. Should we have one celebration or two? Perhaps we should split the holiday for the kids, morning with Mom; evening with Dad, with the changeover at 2 sharp. Or maybe the evening before with Dad, and the day with Mom.
And what if he resides on another coast? Should the divorced parents and grandparents discuss presents ahead to avoid the child getting two tricycles or a large, beautiful American Doll from one parent and a picture book from the other? And what if we have not said a friendly word to each other all year? And what about new wives and new husbands and their children? And what about turkey versus duck? Or oyster versus bread stuffing? Whose traditions should we follow? And what if his new wife hates me and gives the children the same pukey vests every year? (I swear it's true). And what if he criticizes everything just like when we were married? I think his new wife smokes. How do we handle that? Or if she looks like a Paris model and refuses to lift a finger to help? Holidays are hard enough without this hassle. I'm a nervous wreck, please help.
Well, relax. It goes with the territory. True, one disadvantage of divorce at holiday time is that there are no clear traditions to follow. But, think positive, one very great advantage of divorce is that there are no clear traditions which leave you free to do what works for you. Of course, there is a proviso, which may be a hitch that you, your ex and his new partner or wife and your new partner or husband agree. So you are right to start weeks ahead. If you can afford it, start with a soothing massage and a new hairdo.
If the children are young and the divorce is new they would probably enjoy seeing both their parents together and doing much what they did last year. So try to approximate that if that was a happy occasion. If the last holiday was wretched, tell the children that this year it's going to be full of fun and you both will get together and have a great time. Be sure to explain carefully, and perhaps more than once, who is coming and who they are. So the children won't be frightened and put off by their presence. One troubling consequence is that children will think that you are reconciling. So it would be useful to say that you are still living in separate homes but that for the holiday you will be together just for that one special day.
Another way is two holiday celebrations, two birthday parties, two anything that you control. (Sorry, can't do two graduations). Splitting the day or the holidays also works. They all work if you are able to settle reasonably equitable gifts and logistics and prepare the children for who will be present at each celebration.
If you have teenagers they should be invited into the planning from the start. You may be surprised. You may disagree. But they still need to be asked. If they refuse, let it go. This is not a good time for a quarrel. It's a holiday!
For fuller discussion of holidays and birthdays in divorced families see
What About the Kids ? Raising Your Kids Before, During, and After Divorce. Judith S.Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Hyperion Press. 2003.