Children of divorce soon learn to get along. As they go from Mom's house to Dad's house and as they meet their parent's new lovers and acquire stepparents and new half siblings, they find that each family is like another country and getting along in both places is the child's job. They discover that each family has different rules and expectations at table, at bedtime, in manners, in what children are encouraged or forbidden to do or say. Always there are invisible requirements that are only spoken if the child trespasses. Children of divorce, as Elizabeth Marquardt wrote when reminiscing about her own childhood, are called upon to become little chameleons.
The challenges are formidable, especially because second marriages fail more frequently than first marriages, and the rules keep changing. The visiting child may or may not find his father available to him when he arrives. The joint custody youngster may be responsible for moving her younger siblings back and forth because her mother works very late regularly or is exhausted at the end of the day or is out with a new lover. In some homes the stepmother welcomes the young child. In others the stepmother is a fanatic about neatness and cannot stand the child's play. Half siblings differ. In one home the stepmother's daughter greets the child warmly. In another the child is met with a hostile stare "This is my home. "Don't you dare touch my stuff."
Yet many children of divorce learn to get along, to meet changing conditions, to acquire socially adaptive skills that stand them in very good stead when they grow up -- skills of tact and diplomacy that work well in the business world, in law offices, and in marketing. As one young man told me, "Some call this resilience." Others regard this as learned behavior. No matter its roots, children of divorce have social skills of which they are justly proud.
But what children of divorce don't observe and have no chance to learn is how to create a long term loving relationship, how to resolve family conflict, how to build trust, when to compromise, when to stand firm, and as they grow, how to choose a lover and how to commit to another with realistic hope that it can last. They tell me wistfully, "I have never seen a man and a woman on the same beam" or "It's not sex that scares me. Its getting close" or "Sometimes I feel like I was raised on a desert island. Combining sex with love is a mystery to me."
The world of men and woman who love and respect each other is an impossible dream for many. Yet, this is what they long for and have to learn. Many succeed. Many fail. Parents can hinder their development by holding onto past grievances or help with loving encouragement.
But for the child of divorce, the road to emotional adulthood can be an obstacle course.
For fuller discussion of the how to help children of divorce move into adulthood see Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee's What about the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce (Hyperion, 2003) and Judith Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee's The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study (Hyperion, 2000).
Natasha Koifman: Getting Your Children Through Divorce
You are neglecting the many divorced couples who renegotiate their relationship with each other and actually have a harmonious co-parenting relationship for many years. The children certainly learn how to resolve conflicts and fashion functional, happy, long-term relationships. People don't hear about them because they quietly (and happily) go about their lives.
I have no idea whatsoever about how to keep a marriage together. My parents are approaching their 50 year wedding anniversary. 50 years of mutual misery and stagnation. Had they had the balls to divorce, I'm sure I would have learned a lot more.
My siblings and I were fortunate to have been raised by both parents who were happily married till their deaths. Yes, I know, it sounds contradictory based on my first paragraph, but my husband and I were not suited, got married way too fast after meeting and at too young an age.
I happen to be an adult where my parent's had an incredibly volatile and not a loving relationship at all. For the last decade or so before my Mom passed away, they slept in different rooms. Rather than that impacting me in a negative way, I learned from my own experiences, talking with friends' parents, watching movies, reading novels, and coming to my own conclusions what a loving relationship ought to be like. I've been happily married for 10 years and I have a great relationship with my husband. He comes from a family where his parents have been together for 40+ years, so I think that helps.
Love, marriage, divorce, it's all incredibly tough and a lot of hard work. I do believe a child can separate themselves from how they grew up and make sure that their outlook on life is positive and learn how to deal with relationships in a flexible and loving way.
While our lives would have been far more stable (I believe) and in many ways simpler without divorce as a factor, I tend to agree with both Pauline and Sophia that generalizing about our kids' social skills (and emotional scars) is just that - a generalization. The individual temperament of each child matters. The age at which divorce occurs matters. The existence (or lack thereof) of other family to provide a "sense" of family matters. The financial devastation that may result from divorce (or not) matters. Other role models matter. The custody battles or skirmishes matter. The mature handling of divorce and subsequent attentiveness to kids (or not) matters. Who the children live with and the values they are taught matter. And so on.
While I may find logic in your generalizations, there are too many variables at play to draw individual conclusions from them. And aren't we always talking about individuals?
The other variables aren't as mysterious as you seem to think. Reams of research indicates significantly elevated risks for children of an array of profound and lasting ills through the medium of divorce. Not every kid is affected equally, identically or, conceivably, at all. But in general the negative effects are there. Should we ignore these well-established generally negative effects because sometimes, in some cases, the effects are not quite as bad?
That viewpoint makes little sense, to me. We don't follow any such logic in most other areas of social concern. For instance, most drunken drivers won't ever kill anybody. But we don't forgive them if they drink and drive. Furthermore, since your analysis comes from a member of the group that receives the above-mentioned benefits from the current system, it can justifiably be regarded as a self-serving attempt to maintain the status quo.
The status quo regarding divorce significantly and lastingly harms men and children while benefiting the women who primarily drive divorce in the pursuit of emotional fulfillment. It's indefensible.
One of my friends knows my 17 year old daughter very well after she acted as a nanny for his kids in Europe last summer. He was extremely impressed with my daughters positive attitude, and the balanced, intelligent way she conducted herself. He reminded me of how "together" my Claire is, and what an unusually resilient person she's evolved into as a young woman.
"Sophia, think of a pearl," he explained. "It becomes polished, unique and rare because of all the irritation that it endures. That irritation is exactly what creates it. I really think that environment is a big reason why Claire is so mature. She hasn't had it easy, but it's made her into a strong person."
Chances are, my daughter would be the same had I remained married. I'll never know for sure.
But my Claire is now as strong, well-rounded, and beautiful as a gleaming pearl.
Perhaps not in spite of how things in our life have gone, but because of it.
We need to remember not to denigrate each other in front of children - to treat the other parent with respect, and acknowledge their right to their views. I've seen children come out of so-called "intact" homes in which one may be significantly alienated from a parent, because of the other parent's constant negative chatter or actions. It's parental alienation, but taking place during marriage.
I saw donald trump on cnn last night and i do see some attempts to deal with the situation and debacle plagueing not only the u.s. but north america a s a whole. Many people have just given up looking for work and there is some sense that this unemployment level is structural..given the way according to trump that the u.s. has been shut out of so many large markets worldwide its not likely to improve. He does indicate that if he does not have a candidate whom he can support in the coming election he will declare himself a candidate and bring his case for change to the american people. So much of what transpires as american policy trump argues should be related to trade policy and he has costed much out where the u.s. are big losers ie the recent libya case...there is much more but dont be surprised that this populist comes april bringh his message to the heart of america...his candidacy will benefit canada as well and bring benefits here as well where he is well respected.
us/canada agreement...
The recent canada u.s. border agreement which brings many u.s. forces directly to examine the
infrastructure of a lawless canada...i believe the only reason the canadian prime minister signed such an agreement thinks he believes obama will win and bring the oil pipeline across america...
That is not necessarily the experience of every child of divorce. Learning how to resolve conflict comes from dealing with siblings and friends and classmates, too. Building trust is learned with one's mother and or father and friendships, not just from "observing." Children can experience long-term loving relationships with other family members and often from new committed relationships their mother and or father have. Commitment is learned in many ways, in school, with friends, to one's parents.
Many of us lived with parents who should have gotten divorced, because their unhappiness and anger were destructive, and taught us ways how NO to marry. Is this better?
Again, if the divorced parents put their kids first, treat each other with respect and kindness, and are positive models for change, I can't see how that is as damaging as so many want to paint divorce. I don't encourage divorce, but if it is what must occur it is not the end of the world.
What if a parent dies and the remaining parent decides not to marry again but raise the child by him/herself. Do we have the same judgment against a widow/widower as someone who's divorced? Probably not.
Should they have gotten divorced? Or should they have grown up and made the efforts needed to stay together? When one or both wont get it together, divorce happens but the optimal would be for both parents to model keeping their commitments and figuring out how to get along. It takes maturity and discipline from both partners.
In fact all children learn to get along. In addition to mother and father; children are exposed to teachers, coaches, relatives, playmates, etc. I'm skeptical that divorce conveys some special skills. While children of divorce tend to have more emotional problems than married families, there is a nearly 9 in 10 overlap in outcomes.
As this essay points out, and as many scholarly studies have supported, divorce harms children in profound and lasting ways. It similarly harms men although generally not, except for financial hardship which seems unavoidable when the resources that supported one household are spread between two, women.
A fascinating question is: Why? Why do women so enthusiastically seek divorce when they surely must know it will be significantly detrimental to their children and former partners?
The answer may be that they place their emotional desires on a much higher platform than one might suspect. The most commonly cited reasons for divorce are things like feeling unloved, feeling unappreciated, lacking communication and lacking a feeling of closeness. Do these justify inflicting on innocent children the kind of harm this essay portrays?
In the minds of hundreds of thousands of American mothers each year, they do. And you will look far and wide to find a single woman who feels divorces based on these concerns are not justified. To me, that seems very, very strange. I'm not sure what to make of it.
Anyone awake and alive with brain activity in today's society knows full well that divorce is harmful to children.
A divorce-initiating mother knows exactly what she is doing to her children.
In too-many divorces the act of initiating a divorce says "I don't care what happens to my children -- this divorce is about me and what I want. And I want what I want and what [gender-biased, bad] divorce laws can get me."