The Latest in College Dating Trends: Serial Monogamy or Bust!

This whole idea of dating only one person at a time seems to come so naturally to everyone in my generation except for me. The normal "how we met and started dating" for a college student goes like this:

We made eyes at a party and started talking. We exchanged [insert favorite mode of modern day communication] and then the next night we met up at a frat. We played some pong and then went back and hooked up. We had a pleasantly awkward breakfast the next morning. We e-mailed all week long and then met up the next weekend. This repeated a few times and then we were in a serious relationship. It would be considered taboo to flirt with anyone else. Getting dinner with a different person or taking a going to a movie with a cute boy/girl would be almost like adultery.

Notice how the casual hookup became a serious monogamous relationship in about two weeks without any traditional dates. A date is a simple thing -- it can be a casual lunch or a trip to the skating rink. At 21, I am still trying to figure out who I am and what kind of person I want to be with. In order to do this, I need to try out many different types of people and make mental pros and cons, and lists of characteristics until I find someone that is just my type and sweeps me off my feet. In other words, I, as well as other young people, should be dating lots of different people at once. I think the anachronistic term is "playing the field." Today, there is no such thing as playing the field. Dating as it once existed is dead. Now dating is synonymous with "going steady" and implies extreme loyalty and faithfulness.

Am I so amoral to think that until I have a ring on my finger I do not owe extreme amounts of loyalty to anyone? And that I should be able to date and flirt with multiple people at once until I find someone I am exceptionally compatible with? How did this generation of kids that grew up in overwhelmingly broken household become so neurotic about monogamy in dating? Perhaps we are turning against our parents' generation that got married early and divorced often.

The history of dating seems to provide some insight to how we got to this position today where a couple can "break up" even if they have never even been on a real date and friends can judge each other about "cheating." In the 1950s, young people dated. I envision soda shops and backseats of Cadillacs . They may have been some fooling around, but probably no sex. In the 60s and 70s, free love ran as rampant as white flowing skirts and tie-dye t-shirts. In the 80s and 90s, people grew more cautious because of AIDS and other STDs. Today, we have taken sex ed classes and attached a whole lot or morality to sexual activities. The result is that us college kids still do have sex, but only with one person at any given time. Hence, serial monogamous dating occurs.

I fear for my generation because there does not seem to be much of a difference between dating and marriage. Dating is a desert or a deluge. There is no such thing as casual dating or to date just a little bit. When it comes to relationships you are in or you are out. This sounds healthy enough, but I predict a backlash.

I think a lot of people are afraid to "experiment" with the dating scene for fear of becoming entrenched in something too serious and mucky to escape. No one develops game or skills, if you get my drift. People stick with a relationship even if it may not be working out because the world of not dating is as mysterious as Mars.

Some young people may be willing to commit now, but will this lead to happy marriages in the next decade? Jury is still out and I am still running away from relationships. I prefer to keep my options open and sometimes this means that I am alone on a Friday night writing about dating instead of experiencing it. Someday I will find someone I want to commit to and in the mean time, my laptop is an awfully reliable lover.

Comments

[Jasel]

I think too many people think that Dating Trend "A" works for everyone or Dating Trend "B" works for everyone. Not accepting the fact that different things work for different people. I'm 24 in a relationship with one person and that's all I've been interested in. I've never had a problem with people "playing the field" as long as it doesn't turn into blatantly deceiving 3rd parties who might be under the impression that they're involved in something more/deeperl.

Monogamy is not for everyone. And for some people (like myself) monogamy is pretty much all they prefer. Life is confusing and hectic enough without trying to juggle multiple partners, personalities, dating interests, etc on top of it. But that's for me personally. Other people are perfectly fine doing those things.

It could be that I never felt the need to "find myself" having already had a good sense of who I was and what type of individuals I'm interested in. I never really had to "play the field" to get a sense of what Iike. I know what I like and when I see it I home in on it and go for the kill so to speak.

Personally I think if people feel the need to find themselves then they should probably do that before entertaining the idea of any serious relationships. And I see nothing wrong with that as long as, like I said earlier, everyone involved is on the same page.

[johnnygoodwud]

seems this young lady had sex with her man on the first date. i think sex creates an artifical closeness. how can you truly feel close to someone you really don't know? sort of like putting the cart before the horse. years ago a friend told me each time you have sex with someone, you give them part of your heart regardless of how casual it is. being a male, i thought WHAT, but as i've grown older it's true. read the young ladies story again, and take the sex out. there you have a casual date, and casual dating. sex today for alot of young people is no big deal,,,,,,,,,,,but it's simply not the way we're wired up. it is meant to be a big deal,,,,,,,,,,just in marriage, well that's for you to decide, but if it's on the first date, all it is, is some sort of physical pleasure. i'm easily old enough to be this ladies father, and have been down the same road she has. when i was her age, just out of college, i worked at the most pop. singles bar in chicago, and it was like 'shooting ducks in a barrel'. seemed fun at the time, now not so much, and regardless of what you might think now, yes, each time you DO give part of your heart.

[Shotgun Mary]

Hi there, my name is Mary, and I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm also on the older end of Gen Y, being over 25 yet under 30. I've often wondered about the whole dating scene and frankly it freaks me out. Its not about fear of experiementation, its more about not understanding why anyone would go through the crazy ceremonial motions of setting up a "date" night, eating a sacrificial meal in an artificial setting, and trying to decide if you connect with this person you just met. My husband and I "hung out" for three or four years before we "hooked up" over MSN messenger. Five years and two college degrees later we tied the knot. At age 26 I've been in three serious relationships. The combined length of two of those relationships adds up to nearly half of my life. Do I feel like I missed out? Sure. I've never had an STD, or a one night stand. I've never woken up next to someone wondering if I can ever respect myself again. I've never had to obsess over whether I'm going to upset Bobby if I go for a malt with Johnny. Some people aren't cut out for monogamy. They'd rather play the field. In our group, they're the ones that are still living with mommy and daddy while the rest of us serial monogamists have jobs, houses, and are starting towards families. Maybe the SMs are the result of a backlash against the commitment-phobic Gen-Xers

[kismetj]

This makes perfect sense to me. My mom always said to not settle down, but get to know lots of people. When she first told me I recoiled in horror. But the older I got the more I understood. Your not married to these people and no they haven't godforbid the phrase "put a ring on it"

I don't know why young people try to act like old married couples. It's the cause for too much trouble and heartache in my opinion.

[MrsManarlican]

"...until I have a ring on my finger I do not owe extreme amounts of loyalty to anyone..." Who says that with this attitude about dating, your feelings will be any different when you finally marry? Loyalty, committment, compromise, and understanding appropriateness and boundaries do not magically become your strengths when you get married, you do not suddenly become a perfect wife when the rings go on the fingers. Dating is the perfect time to try to build this into your relationship because if it wasn't there before you hit the chapel, it will not be there afterward without a lot of trial and error and going to bed angry. Monogamy is a good place to start, and there is nothing wrong with it. Then again, what works for one couple may not be the answer for another couple, and being mature enough to know the difference is where this argument truly lies.

[tb92]

My daughter (17) and her friends follow this pattern. They don't date, they enter relationships. Some go through partners fast enough to gain some experience with people, but many stay with one person for years. I worry about them. It seems so strange to have to tell a teenager to stop taking things so seriously, and go play for a while.

[electricsquirrel]

Fascinating.

[BelGazou]

I'm surprised to read this. I thought that this generation was all about casual hook-ups, strange though that may be in this age of rampant HPV, AIDs, Herpes, Hepatitis C, Chlamydia et. al.

[LitDr2B]

Right. The vast majority of articles and demographic analysis of Gen Y supports the "hook-up" culture. Perhaps it's a difference between those on the older end of Gen Y versus those on the younger?

[Christopher Sanders]

I think there is a duality between the hookup culture and the serial monogamy culture. As a 22 yr old recent college grad, I can say that I know people on both sides of the line but there seems to be no medium.