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Fifty Shades of Grey: The Teddy Bear

02/09/2015 04:59 pm ET | Updated Apr 11, 2015

Oh, yes, it's true. Sad, twisted, and slightly demonic, but true. Just in time for both Valentine's Day and the much-anticipated release of the Fifty Shades movie, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company has come out with a Fifty Shades of Grey Bear.

Fondle and tie him to your bedpost for only 89.99!

And I quote: "Inspired by the best-selling book, the adult gift is specially designed for fans obsessed with Grey, biting their lips with anticipation over the movie. He features smoldering gray eyes, a suit and satin tie, mask - even mini handcuffs."

The only bear I want to see with mini-handcuffs is Ted. Ted is my quintessential dirty-minded, foul-mouthed, slightly angry, booty-spanking bad bear. This Christian-Grey-as-teddy-bear shit is just ridiculous. In a smack down between perverted bears, Ted would take Christian in a second.

However, like Anastasia Steele when first meeting Christian Grey, I am curious. I need to know more. My hands shaking with fascinated trepidation, I scroll down the Vermont Teddy Bear website to see what I can discover.

What do I like most about this product? Is it the fact that Grey, as a teddy bear, has no fingers, and therefore cannot perform half the tricks of the long-fingered Grey? Or the fact that the manufacturers want to make clear that this is an "adult gift," not to be given to an 8-year-old girl for her birthday? Perhaps it is the script font the bear uses to sign his name, weirdly reminiscent of a Puritan's calligraphy and not at all what I'd deem sexy handwriting?

No, best of all is the notice at the bottom of the screen: "Safety Warning: Contains small parts."

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